Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

Punish him for hitting her and punish her for covering him in cuts and bruises. Yes she should defend herself but not by beating her brother to a pulp. He needs to learn not to hit in anger and she needs to learn appropriate self defence, a slap if someone slaps you or beating someone up when they are really trying to harm you and you cannot get away. School will want to know about the cuts and bruises and how they happened

Nip in the bud now your son thinking he can use his hands when he doesn’t get his own way otherwise he’ll come up against people who aren’t his sister and will give him more than he bargained for, and good on your daughter sticking up for herself. Hopefully your niece telling everyone will make him think twice. At 11 if he does this at school or out and about he’s going to get a big shock.

So DS hit dd as she was beating him at games and she defended her self - but went a little too far

what would your brother /sister said if DS hit your niece instead of sister

both are wrong tho it may make DS stop and think a bit

so she’s 9 and he’s basically 12 next week - he will remember this and hope he won’t hold a grudge and beat her worse another day in years to come

you def Need to stop this now

when you say had to carry DS in - why couldn’t he walk / or you didn’t actually mean you carried an almost 12yr in / but helped him in

both need punishing. Both need to say sorry

don’t cancel birthday trip

going to school with bruises etc Monday will also be embarrassing for him if he says what happens

Oh right on cue, nice one.

He deserved to be hit by her but it sounds like she didn’t hit him in self defence (ie to stop him), it sounds like she assaulted him. Is there something else going on here? Jealousy or long term resentment? I would punish both quite harshly. Him for being dumb enough to start a physical fight and her for a complete failure to understand what an appropriate response looks like. They are both old enough to know better.

I’d suggest your son has had his punishment, so I’d be giving him a telling off for starting it and not cancelling his birthday.

What your daughter did was much worse. Beating a sibling so they have cuts and bruises and can’t walk is unacceptable. One hard swift punch back would have been commensurate, she can’t just launch into battering people even if they start it.

Good grief, I can’t believe you think any of this is OK.

It’s mental isn’t it. And to think some posters are encouraging it.

It’s sad to think that there are children who have to grow up with such ineffective parents.

All children should be able to live safely from violence and that includes sibling violence.

This is outrageous on so many levels. You really need to review your entire approach to parenting. You son hitting your daughter is awful and needs punishing but your daughter also sounds completely feral if she assaulted him to the extent he was covered in scratches and bruises. As for taking away both their phones, why does the 9 year old have a phone in the first place?

They both crossed a line. Tell ds he shouldn't hit anyone but especially not girls or women and certainly not anyone younger and smaller than him. Tell him he deserved to get hit back and should learn a lesson. Tell DD you are glad she can defend herself but that she shouldn't hit, unless she's in danger, and that although her brother was annoying that wasn't the way to deal with it. Point out in a few years it could have ended a lot differently and you won't tolerate fighting in the house. Then take away both of their screen time for the whole weekend and get them helping around the house.

Ffs

this response is all that is wrong with this thread

I think it’s reflective of the real world tbh. Women of all ages are sick of male shit and him being smacked back serves him right. A little bit of shame will do him no harm either.

I am so shocked that ANYONE would answer this thread without horror at the horrendous behaviour of any child attacking any other child to the extent they needed carried into the house! Your children sound aggressive and out of control, I don’t care their sex.

I generally tend toward "fuck around and find out" but the "find out" part needs to be proportionate. If he had hit her and she slapped him back, fine - that might have taught him to keep his hands to himself.

However, your DD completely lost control and took it way too far. Rather than feeling proud of her, you need to spell out that physical violence can result in serious, life-changing injuries.

Since she enjoys sport, maybe a martial arts class might teach her to regulate her temper.

This! There's a difference between lashing out (still not ok) and beating the crap into someone. Your daughter sounds like she needs help and absolutely the same (if not greater) consequences. Feeling proud of her is pretty shitty of you.

No. Violence is wrong full stop

Actually this is a complete load of bollocks.

Don't put adult issues onto young kids.

Op should be teaching her children that there are far more important qualities than who’s the fastest or the strongest. She should be teaching her kids that everyone is different shapes and sizes and about kindness and bravery and showing respect.

She should also be nipping in the bud ant silly
play fighting, because it always escalates and ends up with tears and injuries.

Well I suppose it's always good to know there are families out there more messed up than mine 😬

My brother and I used to fight something silly. Sometimes he'd get beaten up by me, sometimes I ended up worse.

We grew out of it with no involvement from parents. Kids don't fight anymore, they're just a bunch of weirdos with no self preservation

I think you need to allow DD to have friends round without him interfering - He should have a friend at the same time to hang out with -

He shouldn’t be in their games!

My brother, who is 14 months older, was very competitive. When we were primary school age he absolutely hated it when I beat him, and would sulk and sometimes push me but we never had actual punch ups. The competitiveness stopped when we both went to different secondary school. As teenagers we became close and have remained so.

I'm sure there's an element of 'boys will be boys haha' & I've no time for that at all - I don't doubt it's the root cause of violent adult men.

We never allowed 'rough play', I even banned 'jinx' & tea-towel whips (we work/ed in kitchens). The other day the younger two said something at the same time & laughed saying 'mum, jinx still banned?' - yes, always lol.

You & I shouldn't be unusual, it's crazy.

It sounds the daughter has anger management issues too, if she beat him so badly he couldn’t walk. And as for “she did nothing wrong” ..words fail me.

The whole point is that as parents it's our job to help our children learn how to interact with the world. It's not a shock that children misbehave, but that misbehaviour should come with consequences and explanations for why it's not ok.

@Silvertulips it reads like he was useful in their game as he could be thrown to the ground more as he isn't as strong as them. Obviously, they should not have been playing that game as it was likely to end up with someone being hurt, either accidentally or on purpose