Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

No, if DD has no consequences for her actions then all DS will be learning is that might is right. He'll learn that if some day a girlfriend hits him in frustration, it's ok to beat her to the floor in response. After all he'd be "defending" himself.

Having been on the receiving end of that sort of treatment from my exH

Your post is a good example of why people really need to try and heal their own wounds before having children.

This is not a domestic violence situation. These are children.

Sibling rivalry in children is extremely common. Siblings hitting each other as children, whilst undesirable, is extremely common.

The sex of the siblings is irrelevant - the dynamics are the same regardless.

What is not extremely common though, is one sibling beating the other so badly that their injuries are visible and they are unable to walk after the attack.

The amount of adults cheering on the kind of violence exhibited by the OP’s daughter is absolutely unhinged.

Staggering really.

You are so right, it’s horrifying really how many adults are projecting onto two young siblings.

Sibling rivalry is a thing regardless of gender. The parents should be managing it not letting them hurt eachother.

No, if DD has no consequences for her actions then all DS will be learning is that might is right. He'll learn that if some day a girlfriend hits him in frustration, it's ok to beat her to the floor in response. After all he'd be "defending" himself
Exactly that. It's horrifying that you are using your own children to push a societal agenda about women's power. Your children should be equal in your eyes. They should be raised with the same values.

Cant you see you are doing exactly the same than what women have been trying to fight for years, men using their strength to overpower women?

Young women are becoming bigger and stronger to the point that many can now overpower men. Does this give them to right to use their strength to batter men?

How can you be so absorbed in your ideology that you can't consider for a second how outraged you would have been if it had been the other way around, and it your daughter who'd been brutally taly attered by your son because she hit him.

You are a disgrace to feel proud of your violent daughter and I am gobsmacked your husband could agree with you, unless your daughter is taking after her mum.

Most sibling fights are a bit of pinching or a single slap or push It sounds like she went way too far. But he started it. So address it differently for each, but don't condone either's actions.
I used to beat up my elder brother - he hit puberty later than me and was a bit of a weakling when we were 10 (me) and 12 (him). Scroll forward a few years and he was a multiple Olympic medal winning power house so I don't think he carries any lasting resentment.

I wouldn’t be proud of her for beating the shit out of him, no. You want her to be assertive and stand up for herself, but she also needs to learn that with power comes responsibility; you don’t abuse your physical advantage over others, even if they are male. Get her into some martial arts training so she can learn to control herself before she seriously injures someone.

Fuck around and find Biatch!

Did she say this to him OP? Please say yes …

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!
Read your choice of words again.... She injured him... you call this confidence. He is physically hurt, with marks that constitutes battery... and you speak of humiliation. You don't mention anything about providing medical help and comfort... you talk about him getting further humiliated, him learning a lesson and being further punished by taking away his birthday fun.

You do realise that this would be considered potential abuse by social services, ceetsinly enough to be investigated. Your son might tell his teacher who would make a referral. When SS knocks on your door, should anyone rejoice in your feeling of humiliation and hope you've learned your lesson?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You said you saw her beating him (as in hitting him). And in the game of strength of pushing him down on the ground she was winning. So she was using her strength to over power him. The thing we berate men for, using their strength to over power women or weaker men.

Beating someone up is not self defence

It wasn’t me that said FAFO … I just added to it

With utmost glee.

These are children.

Greyblankie · Today 10:33
"Fuck around and find Biatch!
Did she say this to him OP? Please say yes "

It's so disheartening that many of the women on this thread sound as immature as the OP and her children.

You being conflicted is problematic, they were both very wrong. Self defence is one thing but it turned to an assault quickly because she chose to use her physical strength advantage to harm her brother physically.

He let his jealousy and insecurities get the better of him which he used as permission to assault his sister.

You and your H should have worked harder to address your son’s jealousy and temperament. Oh and if your daughter is the type to go to school bragging about assaulting her brother, then you as a parent have a lot of work to do on the parenting front.

They were both wrong and both need to be disciplined and taught that their behaviours are unacceptable. There were ways they both could have managed the situation better, you were lucky that your DN was there and alerted you to what was happening.

I can’t even imagine the kind of person that gets this excited over child on child violence.

be interesting if school asks DS where he got his injuries and he says his sibling did it and his parents allowed it with no consequences

Vivi0 ·
"I can’t even imagine the kind of person that gets this excited over child on child violence"

Me neither. It's horrific.

Sibling fights can be fucking brutal. Me and my sister had some genuinely horrific fights (shared a room, if you know you know 😂). Her and my brother are twins and they were the worst out of all of us for scrapping.

You need to take this as your sign to nip it in the bud. Tell DS that he should never lay a hand on his sister again, and that this is a lesson. Tell DD it’s never acceptable to beat your brother up like that, even if he hits you first. She went way too far and she needs to get that temper in check.

They probably will scrap again, but you need to take it very seriously and dole out serious punishments.

Playfightining isnt harmless and should not be encouraged or condoned in any home.

Its how kids get hurt and end up as bullies or being intimidated by siblings. Your dd is a bully. She chose to humilate and abuse your son by beating him up.

They should both get same punishment. Mine would be grounded for a week with no electronics.

So if someone pushes your dd in sxhool and she punches them in the face several times - you would think thats ok?

Absolutely. Also I imagine the school will have concerns about visible injuries on a child. None of this is remotely normal or acceptable and I would be proud of my violent daughter either. Grim.

It’s a tough one. I would first want to know more. Were the girls taunting him etc as they were winning the games… ie trying to provoke a reaction? When he apparently hit her first- what was that? A frustrated shove in response to a taunting? Or an unprovoked ambush of a punch to the face?

Either way, I think both need encouraged to discuss their feelings and how they could have done better. for DS, he needs it made super clear how hitting anyone, as a way to get out frustration at not winning a game, is totally unacceptable. He has received the natural punishment of a beating and humiliation in this case, plus phone removal. if he ever hits in that circumstance again he will receive a much more severe formal punishment. And he needs to know that starting unnecessary, unjustifiable fights can end him up in jail or hospital- as this almost did. After this clear line/punishment, he may well also need a chance to talk about his humiliation, his worries about not being strong yet, how to deal better with frustration, reassurance that physically he will develop etc…. He may well also well have a lot of pent-up anger/humiliation, made worse by this beating, and this could get solidified into an angry, defensive stance in life. As parent, you need to try to help him process those feelings so they don’t become embedded.

For DD, I’d tell her you are glad she has the confidence and strength to fight back when she is attacked, and that you want her always to be able to do that. But that it was wrong to go so far. Ask her why she did keep going? Was she blinded by rage? Feeling truly threatened? Or Wanted to humiliate? Enjoying it? Talk about being proportionate, and that even if you are initially the defender, you become the aggressor if you are bigger, stronger, or beating someone beyond what’s needed to be safe and to stop the fight.

I would give them the same formal punishment- him for starting a fight. Her for continuing it disproportionately. He of course has the additional punishment of experiencing the beating and humiliation. Make sure they both know there is zero tolerance for aggression between them going forward. Try to reset them to a positive dynamic with each other.

And in another few years DS will inevitably be bigger and stronger, then what? OP needs to stop this violent competitiveness from both sides before it escalates any further.

It is never disproportionate for a girl.or woman to teach a person who will one day be stronger and bigger than her, or who is now stronger and bigger than her, to treat her with the respect he owes her.

It is never OK to teach a girl that the feelz of a male must be put ahead of any desire she may have to win a race or to demonstrate superiority in any other field.

I think @mathanxiety ’s post makes the point that is the minds of several PPs. The sexes are not reversible here because :

• eventually the boy will be naturally stronger then his sister
• we live in a culture where men’s violence is normalised and women/girls are required to take the blame for it
• the brother seems to be channelling a particularly fragile sense of identity and masculinity - hitting his sister because she, a girl and younger , beat him? Arrogant, much?

I think that @ForAmpleRobin and her DC’s father (mostly absent in this discussion) need to look at why their son is competitive but a bad loser, and quick to rage against those who beat him. How is this attitude and behaviour emerging from the general family culture? Does the brother behave this way at school, for example?

Play fighting at a young age is totally harmless and in fact been proven to be developmentally important. Children learn boundaries and how to control themselves physically. Like puppies.

The point is the play. It is absolutely not the same as fighting out of anger, violence with the intention of causing harm.