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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of Cool Girl Mum sister-in-law?

324 replies

ThatPlumViewer · 13/03/2026 14:41

Absolutely at my limit with my sis in law and want to know if anyone else has come across this kind of Mum. The best way to describe it is that she is a pick me/cool girl Mum who always gives the impression she’s too good for motherhood.

The straw that broke the camels back was last weekend. We were all at my Mum’s house and she was given a homemade card from my brother and sister in laws son, my nephew. I said something along the lines of “ah how sweet, did he make one for you too?” to my SIL, and in response she just laughed and said no, that she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day so that’s why he made the card for his Granny when they made them at school. I must have looked shocked because she went on to explain that she finds Mother’s Day really naff and cringey, and she doesn’t need a day to be celebrated for doing something ordinary. It was as if she was judging those of us who do make a big deal about it.

I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic she is. This is a long line of behaviour like this from her. She was weird about her pregnancy - she was constantly saying how easy she found it, she never got sickness, she barely even felt pregnant. She chose to have a c-section and kept joking with us all that she was “too posh to push” like she was better than having a normal labour. She didn’t even give birth in her local hospital because her and my brother did loads of research and she decided she had to be in an outstanding rated hospital, and so travelled for that. She didn’t breastfeed and I know she told my Mum she found it gross which felt goady to those of us who did, and was always telling everyone who my brother did everything for her post-partum and she couldn’t understand why so many women struggled to shower with a baby. She never wanted to be called “mummy” and I know she got into a row with a health visitor when they referred to her as such.

Her son sometimes calls her by her first name now and only sometimes Mum, which is so pretentious. Everything she does is like a dig at the way Mum’s usually do things. She always said she never really felt different when she became a mother, didn’t have the usual trenches with her baby and went back to work full time with no problems. She always says her son has slotted into their lives perfectly. It’s like she thinks admitting anything has been hard or a struggle is embarrassing. It’s exactly like all the Cool Girl wives on here who say they don’t care about their husband watching porn or going to strip clubs - I feel like she’s trying to make herself look better than all the rest of us who like Mother’s Day and found newborns difficult. Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things, but she wants to appear completely relaxed and too cool to hang out with other Mums. I just think the Mother’s Day thing has tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 13/03/2026 20:19

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 20:09

But this isn’t all about her. It’s about her child who isn’t allowed to call her mum or make her a card or celebrate Mother’s Day

If you don’t have some deep seated shame or fear why isn’t her child allowed to go through the rituals of Mother’s Day. After all she is a mother and a mother wouldn’t want to disappoint her DS.

Yes mothers have lives outside of children but do we tell everyone every time we see them and if you know someone hasn’t got something as good as you do you tell people

Do we tell everyone every decision we made and try to one up the other person.

Its the fact this woman would have gone into school and talked to the class teacher about her not believing in Mother’s Day and if they were making cards her DS would have to make one for his gran
Its totally weird.

Something to be grateful for is you never need to give her a card or gift again. Just say you thought she would find it cringy and naff and knew she didn’t want one

Edited

I think making the child do the card for his granny and not her is taking it a bit far. But, on balance, we don’t all have to buy into motherhood being an in the trenches covered in breastmilk experience. Some people don’t want that or relate to that, whereas some do, and that’s absolutely fine. It’s only about judgement if you make it so.

inmyfashion · 13/03/2026 20:20

likelysuspect · 13/03/2026 20:14

A lot of these posts on here tell me everything I need to know about why young girls these days are pretending to be boys.

Horrendous

You dont fit the mould - well you're not a proper female and worse when you talk about that you're ashamed/traumatised/need therapy/boring/goady

I agree.

So many weird posts assuming that no one could possibly behave like this unless they were abused as a child or mentally ill. No wonder the birth rate is falling if motherhood has to be the suffering olympics.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 20:26

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 20:09

But this isn’t all about her. It’s about her child who isn’t allowed to call her mum or make her a card or celebrate Mother’s Day

If you don’t have some deep seated shame or fear why isn’t her child allowed to go through the rituals of Mother’s Day. After all she is a mother and a mother wouldn’t want to disappoint her DS.

Yes mothers have lives outside of children but do we tell everyone every time we see them and if you know someone hasn’t got something as good as you do you tell people

Do we tell everyone every decision we made and try to one up the other person.

Its the fact this woman would have gone into school and talked to the class teacher about her not believing in Mother’s Day and if they were making cards her DS would have to make one for his gran
Its totally weird.

Something to be grateful for is you never need to give her a card or gift again. Just say you thought she would find it cringy and naff and knew she didn’t want one

Edited

But he is allowed to call her mum, he just sometimes uses her name too. The OP says nothing about SIL refusing her son calling her mum.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 20:31

the7Vabo · 13/03/2026 20:19

I think making the child do the card for his granny and not her is taking it a bit far. But, on balance, we don’t all have to buy into motherhood being an in the trenches covered in breastmilk experience. Some people don’t want that or relate to that, whereas some do, and that’s absolutely fine. It’s only about judgement if you make it so.

There's also a lot of assumptions about how it happened too. If his mum has never celebrated mothers day, it will be very normal for him to not make her a card and make one for granny instead.

It also doesn't necessarily mean that she would reject a card or be unkind to her son about it. She clearly understand that Mothers day is important to some people whilst not enjoying it as a day herself or she wouldn't allow her son to take part at all.

Midnights68 · 13/03/2026 20:33

JassyRadlett · 13/03/2026 19:28

It's not special for her.

I've got a friend who doesn't celebrate her birthday. She has a total antipathy to it. But she doesn't think other people shouldn't celebrate and enjoy their birthdays. She happily celebrates other people's. She doesn't think they're lesser people for enjoying their birthdays.

Similarly, the SIL didn't stop her child from celebrating her MIL on Mother's Day, so presumably she recognises that it holds meaning and value for others. She didn't mention how she feels about it until OP asked.

She didn't share the information about how she felt about breastfeeding with OP. She shared it with her MIL who passed it on, yet OP still finds it "goady". It's not exactly as if bottle feeding is rare, either.

Try engaging with the world on the basis of taking what people say at face value, rather than assuming it's a coded and intentional dig on your own choices.

Some of the best advice I was ever given is to try to take the best interpretation of other people’s behaviour, rather than taking things as a coded dig or slight or criticism. Once you start doing it, it’s incredibly liberating.

She sounds like someone I would find irritating - although I’m with her to a point on Mother’s Day. I love the homemade cards but the overpriced afternoon teas and flowers etc do make me shudder.

But I don’t think her behaviour is intended as a slight to anyone else.

Liveafr · 13/03/2026 20:34

The issue isn't that the chose to formula feed. The issue is that she told OP (who breastfed) that she finds it gross. Yes she is entitled to her opinion but she doesn't necessarily need to share it.
I find Birkenstock utterly revolting, but I don't feel the need to say it out loud to people who wear them. Not every negative opinion need to be shared.

Flannelfeet · 13/03/2026 21:01

Fuck me! She sounds like a pain in the arse. Just grin and bare her, and silently in your head do the 🖕🖕🖕. Personally, I canny wait, my mum is sadly not here so I have my mother in law coming to mine for an afternoon tea, which will end up with drinks (scottish). Went to the graveyard and put a wee flower to my mum on Tuesday with my dad 😪. Xxx

RawBloomers · 13/03/2026 21:04

Liveafr · 13/03/2026 20:34

The issue isn't that the chose to formula feed. The issue is that she told OP (who breastfed) that she finds it gross. Yes she is entitled to her opinion but she doesn't necessarily need to share it.
I find Birkenstock utterly revolting, but I don't feel the need to say it out loud to people who wear them. Not every negative opinion need to be shared.

No she didn't. She told her MiL. And if her MiL (or anyone) was asking why she didn't breastfeed or telling her why she should breastfeed then answering that question honestly is not unreasonable of her.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 21:24

Liveafr · 13/03/2026 20:34

The issue isn't that the chose to formula feed. The issue is that she told OP (who breastfed) that she finds it gross. Yes she is entitled to her opinion but she doesn't necessarily need to share it.
I find Birkenstock utterly revolting, but I don't feel the need to say it out loud to people who wear them. Not every negative opinion need to be shared.

She told OP's mum not OP and for some reason, OP's mum decided to share it with OP. It also depends on the context such as if she was asked why she didn't breastfeed, why wouldn't she answer honestly?

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 21:31

@FairKoala

But this isn’t all about her. It’s about her child who isn’t allowed to call her mum or make her a card or celebrate Mother’s Day
If you don’t have some deep seated shame or fear why isn’t her child allowed to go through the rituals of Mother’s Day. After all she is a mother and a mother wouldn’t want to disappoint her DS.

It is quite literally called Mother's Day. The clue is in the name. It's a day for mothers. It's their prerogative to choose not to celebrate it if they want.

We didn't celebrate Mother's Day when I was a child. My mum couldn't be arsed with it. I didn't feel deprived and I'm not scarred by it today: I celebrate it. We had plenty of other rituals throughout the year and I expressed my appreciation for my mother in a variety of ways personal to me and to our family, as opposed to having to tick a box imposed upon me by a combination of church ritual and Hallmark Cards. We don't all have to follow the same orthodoxy.

If you think that choosing to sit out Mother's Day is a sign of "deep seated shame or fear" I honestly wonder how you'd cope with a serious life crisis.

nutbrownhare15 · 13/03/2026 22:24

I'd be sick of her too. Yes she can make her own choices but she doesn't have to look down on others.

the7Vabo · 13/03/2026 22:54

nutbrownhare15 · 13/03/2026 22:24

I'd be sick of her too. Yes she can make her own choices but she doesn't have to look down on others.

And based on the OP’s post, I don’t think she has done that.
The OP has taken issue with stuff like her going to a private hospital, cracking jokes about her own c section, and her child sometimes calling her my her name which the OP has decided is pretentious.

. Her views about breastfeeding are described as “goady” even though they weren’t said directly to anyone who was BF.

How SIL wants to parent, be a mother is up to her.

I think the OP is triggered by it when it isn’t about her.

SmallandSpanish · 13/03/2026 23:49

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 19:12

the natural evolution of her life

So the 'natural evolution' of her life in your opinion is to lose her entire identity and conform to some weirdly rigid societal notion of what a mother is meant to be? You think she, as a woman, is 'unnatural' for not wanting to make birth and breastfeeding and being called 'mummy' her entire identity?

Feminism is fucking dead on this forum

Nope. Not what I said. Not questioning the minutiae.

But she parented a child. Yet she doesn’t want that child to acknowledge that relationship, and seems to look down on those who do find that relationship worthy of acknowledgement/ important/ meaningful.

I’m curious about why she feels the need to play down a key relationship in her life. Why? That seems sad. And how the child feels.

No need to wonder how her SIL feels, we already know she finds it belittling and dismissive for things that matter to her to be written off as ‘ordinary’ and ‘gross’ etc.

If a friend/ husband/ wife/ other relative was belittling a woman they were in a relationship with we’d say they were out of order. We can support the OP in the same way without it being about feminism.

I identify as a feminist. And apparently that’s all that matters these days so, there we go, I
am one. #bekind. 🙄

EnterQueene · 14/03/2026 07:40

SmallandSpanish · 13/03/2026 23:49

Nope. Not what I said. Not questioning the minutiae.

But she parented a child. Yet she doesn’t want that child to acknowledge that relationship, and seems to look down on those who do find that relationship worthy of acknowledgement/ important/ meaningful.

I’m curious about why she feels the need to play down a key relationship in her life. Why? That seems sad. And how the child feels.

No need to wonder how her SIL feels, we already know she finds it belittling and dismissive for things that matter to her to be written off as ‘ordinary’ and ‘gross’ etc.

If a friend/ husband/ wife/ other relative was belittling a woman they were in a relationship with we’d say they were out of order. We can support the OP in the same way without it being about feminism.

I identify as a feminist. And apparently that’s all that matters these days so, there we go, I
am one. #bekind. 🙄

Edited

Dear god, fathers never have this weight of expectation heaped upon them because they decided to have children. You may identify as a feminist but your words are a mouthpiece for the patriarchy - once you decide to reproduce, get into the straitjacket labelled 'mother'.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/03/2026 08:26

@SmallandSpanish

But she parented a child. Yet she doesn’t want that child to acknowledge that relationship, and seems to look down on those who do find that relationship worthy of acknowledgement/ important/ meaningful.

I’m sorry but this is a huge stretch. You are assuming this because she doesn’t buy into a set of “mummy” signifiers which most people follow. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want the child to acknowledge the relationship.

She just wants to not have to follow a predetermined template for how that relationship should look.

Evaka · 14/03/2026 08:39

You're being daft OP. Mothers Day is a complete non event for lots of people, and nothing else you described is odd. Loads of kids don't use mummy and call their parents by their actual names. My 47 year old sister did from toddler age and believe me, my parents weren't try hard or cool.

BauhausOfEliott · 14/03/2026 11:01

Liveafr · 13/03/2026 20:34

The issue isn't that the chose to formula feed. The issue is that she told OP (who breastfed) that she finds it gross. Yes she is entitled to her opinion but she doesn't necessarily need to share it.
I find Birkenstock utterly revolting, but I don't feel the need to say it out loud to people who wear them. Not every negative opinion need to be shared.

She didn’t tell the OP. She told her MIL, who then told the OP.

Wtafdidido · 14/03/2026 11:33

Just because her way is different to your way doesn’t make it better or right. It’s just her doing life her way and it sound like the fact you are being so judgemental would suggest you are the insecure one. Just do parenthood your way. If it works for her and she’s happy that’s all that matters.

Bumble2016 · 14/03/2026 11:52

I think it would really depend on if she volunteers these parallel statements or if they're responses to things

SerafinasGoose · 14/03/2026 12:09

I always found it helped to concern myself less with other people's parenting methods and more with my own. I didn't want my whole identity subsumed under the 'mother' idea, either. None of my friends are 'mum friends' - albeit BF was tough in the first 3 months and I found the local support group a great help.

By all accounts my DH's sister also found BF 'gross'. I baby-wore and did BLW and heard a couple of barbs about the 'earth mother' thing - something that's about as far from my personality as it gets. They disapproved when I went back to work FT as well. When you have a child, you quickly find that seemingly the whole of society is standing on the sidelines waiting to tell you you're getting it wrong.

No skin off my nose. People could think what they liked and I'd still parent in a way that best suited my DC, my career aspirations and my family.

You are giving this woman a prominence in your life that she doesn't merit.

Loubelou71 · 14/03/2026 12:12

I agree with you Op. Your sil is definitely in the minority. I'd take a step back and not let it bother you. She sounds hard work.

SerafinasGoose · 14/03/2026 12:30

SmallandSpanish · 13/03/2026 18:49

The lady doth protest too much. She sounds deeply insecure and tragically desperate to fight against the natural evolution of her life. Poor kid.

The 'natural' evolution of a woman's life is not to become a mother and nothing outside of being a mother.

I use the cynic-quotes because, although the mechanics of motherhood in terms of gestation and BF are very definitely biological and part of the natural order, most of the other assumptions surrounding this very emotive word are nothing more than social conditioning.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/03/2026 17:45

sunsetsites · 13/03/2026 17:09

You sound so bitter OP, whatever this woman does would wind you up because you just don’t like her.

I agree - though my post saying something a little less strong than yours got deleted!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/03/2026 17:48

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 18:13

I dont like it either, but I dont start rows about it cos im not a freak. I imagine she was quite snarky with the health visitor given that that she seems to think the sun shines out of her arse and everyone else is beneath her.

I don't get that impression at all of her interaction with the health visitor

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/03/2026 17:56

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 18:30

Of course having a c section and bottle feeding isnt a dig. Saying youre "too posh to push" is incredibly insulting to people who had a natural birth. Saying she finds mothers day cringe and she shouldn't be celebrated for doing something normal, implies that other mums shouldn't either.
Its not about her parenting choices, its about her mocking others for theirs. Perhaps shes just incredibly vapid and doesnt realise how insulting it is, but I doubt that.

"Saying youre "too posh to push" is incredibly insulting to people who had a natural birth"

'Too posh to push' is typically used an insult for those who have elective caesarians and sometimes even for those who have a Caesarian to avoid a traumatic birth. Sounds to me like she's being self deprecating / deflecting with humour a choice that might otherwise be subject to criticism and censure

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