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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of Cool Girl Mum sister-in-law?

324 replies

ThatPlumViewer · 13/03/2026 14:41

Absolutely at my limit with my sis in law and want to know if anyone else has come across this kind of Mum. The best way to describe it is that she is a pick me/cool girl Mum who always gives the impression she’s too good for motherhood.

The straw that broke the camels back was last weekend. We were all at my Mum’s house and she was given a homemade card from my brother and sister in laws son, my nephew. I said something along the lines of “ah how sweet, did he make one for you too?” to my SIL, and in response she just laughed and said no, that she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day so that’s why he made the card for his Granny when they made them at school. I must have looked shocked because she went on to explain that she finds Mother’s Day really naff and cringey, and she doesn’t need a day to be celebrated for doing something ordinary. It was as if she was judging those of us who do make a big deal about it.

I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic she is. This is a long line of behaviour like this from her. She was weird about her pregnancy - she was constantly saying how easy she found it, she never got sickness, she barely even felt pregnant. She chose to have a c-section and kept joking with us all that she was “too posh to push” like she was better than having a normal labour. She didn’t even give birth in her local hospital because her and my brother did loads of research and she decided she had to be in an outstanding rated hospital, and so travelled for that. She didn’t breastfeed and I know she told my Mum she found it gross which felt goady to those of us who did, and was always telling everyone who my brother did everything for her post-partum and she couldn’t understand why so many women struggled to shower with a baby. She never wanted to be called “mummy” and I know she got into a row with a health visitor when they referred to her as such.

Her son sometimes calls her by her first name now and only sometimes Mum, which is so pretentious. Everything she does is like a dig at the way Mum’s usually do things. She always said she never really felt different when she became a mother, didn’t have the usual trenches with her baby and went back to work full time with no problems. She always says her son has slotted into their lives perfectly. It’s like she thinks admitting anything has been hard or a struggle is embarrassing. It’s exactly like all the Cool Girl wives on here who say they don’t care about their husband watching porn or going to strip clubs - I feel like she’s trying to make herself look better than all the rest of us who like Mother’s Day and found newborns difficult. Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things, but she wants to appear completely relaxed and too cool to hang out with other Mums. I just think the Mother’s Day thing has tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
vitahelp · 13/03/2026 16:36

It is possible she is just being honest and decided not to go down the road of pretending things were hard when they weren’t. I’ve done that to some extent and it is exhausting.

Blairwitch82 · 13/03/2026 16:36

It sounds like you feel she is sneering and putting down women who do find it difficult to be a Mum and also those who celebrate Mother’s Day etc

In which case I guess all you can do is limit time with her and not rise to it as she probably wants a reaction.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 13/03/2026 16:37

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. She sounds pretty similar to me.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 13/03/2026 16:39

I think you’re just insecure and dislike this woman and it’s coming out of you nastily. She doesn’t believe the same things you do… that doesn’t make her pathetic.

When she says she didn’t want a vaginal birth, didn’t feel pregnant, found breastfeeding icky she means FOR HERSELF. You are inferring that she’s judging you but she has never said anything about you. She doesn’t feel how you feel. That’s her prerogative

Knittedfairies2 · 13/03/2026 16:39

godmum56 · 13/03/2026 16:33

what is a "pion"?

@godmum56 Maybe a peon, as in peasant?

Calliopespa · 13/03/2026 16:39

Moltenpink · 13/03/2026 14:55

Just from another perspective, I was a bit like this and it took me a long time to recognise it as bad PND and denial at becoming a mother.

I was going to say this.

She sounds brittle to me.

Primrose86 · 13/03/2026 16:40

ThatPlumViewer · 13/03/2026 14:41

Absolutely at my limit with my sis in law and want to know if anyone else has come across this kind of Mum. The best way to describe it is that she is a pick me/cool girl Mum who always gives the impression she’s too good for motherhood.

The straw that broke the camels back was last weekend. We were all at my Mum’s house and she was given a homemade card from my brother and sister in laws son, my nephew. I said something along the lines of “ah how sweet, did he make one for you too?” to my SIL, and in response she just laughed and said no, that she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day so that’s why he made the card for his Granny when they made them at school. I must have looked shocked because she went on to explain that she finds Mother’s Day really naff and cringey, and she doesn’t need a day to be celebrated for doing something ordinary. It was as if she was judging those of us who do make a big deal about it.

I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic she is. This is a long line of behaviour like this from her. She was weird about her pregnancy - she was constantly saying how easy she found it, she never got sickness, she barely even felt pregnant. She chose to have a c-section and kept joking with us all that she was “too posh to push” like she was better than having a normal labour. She didn’t even give birth in her local hospital because her and my brother did loads of research and she decided she had to be in an outstanding rated hospital, and so travelled for that. She didn’t breastfeed and I know she told my Mum she found it gross which felt goady to those of us who did, and was always telling everyone who my brother did everything for her post-partum and she couldn’t understand why so many women struggled to shower with a baby. She never wanted to be called “mummy” and I know she got into a row with a health visitor when they referred to her as such.

Her son sometimes calls her by her first name now and only sometimes Mum, which is so pretentious. Everything she does is like a dig at the way Mum’s usually do things. She always said she never really felt different when she became a mother, didn’t have the usual trenches with her baby and went back to work full time with no problems. She always says her son has slotted into their lives perfectly. It’s like she thinks admitting anything has been hard or a struggle is embarrassing. It’s exactly like all the Cool Girl wives on here who say they don’t care about their husband watching porn or going to strip clubs - I feel like she’s trying to make herself look better than all the rest of us who like Mother’s Day and found newborns difficult. Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things, but she wants to appear completely relaxed and too cool to hang out with other Mums. I just think the Mother’s Day thing has tipped me over the edge.

What's wrong with going to a better hospital. Esp with the incredibly poor maternity care in many hospitals, I wanted to be safe rather than sorry with my first and only pregnancy.

I went to a central london hospital even though I live in the north london suburbs. As I dont drive, frankly its not a huge difference on public transport. When they did send me to the local hospital when I had bleeding during my pregnancy and they sent me there via ambulance, they got my gestational age wrong 'as the wheel said so'. Yes I am looking at you Whittington hospital. I was so glad I wasn't giving birth there and it was fortunate as I ended up with sepsis

FutureStuff · 13/03/2026 16:40

She's going to grow old to be my MIL. I bet she'll say menopause doesn't touch her, although DH would argue that the shouty, miserable woman with frequent migraines aged between 40 and 50 looked remarkably like her.
Not feeling the need for HRT she's now very frail with a terrible hunch.

I didn't get the in-laws I deserved. It's actually a real shame, looking back over decades of contact but I can't change them. Wish I'd bothered less with them in my 20s and 30s. And I can't say my kids feel particularly warm towards the cousins so best face up to that sooner rather than later.

godmum56 · 13/03/2026 16:42

Knittedfairies2 · 13/03/2026 16:39

@godmum56 Maybe a peon, as in peasant?

Edited

I honesty have no idea....I thought it was some kind of new jargon

TheLemonLemur · 13/03/2026 16:43

Different people have different experiences of motherhood. It sounds like you have struggled and are jealous of her - nothing you have said about her behaviour seems she is digging at you. You are 2 different people with different opinions and that is ok

BonfireNight1993 · 13/03/2026 16:44

I agree with her on all points, and did everything the way she has done it. I don't see motherhood as the defining aspect of my personhood, I love my children more than anyone else in the world but I'm not that into being perceived as a 'mum' in the traditional sense. My mother was much the same, I called her by her first name (still do). It's just a different way of doing things.

Grapewrath · 13/03/2026 16:46

From another perspective I fucking hated NCT meets and other moaning mum centered stuff.
I did bf and have a vaginal birth but the rest of motherhood I approached in a similar way to SIL. I had easy pregnancies, easy births and with my first baby just got on with my life. She did ‘slot in’ and I felt no need to have lots of coffee mornings etc on my mat leave. I found that kind of thing super boring.
As a young parent I had few expectations and didn’t seem to suffer the same way other mums did.
I hated the HV calling me mummy- I’m not her Mummy and it’s really cringe.
I didn’t and still don’t give a shit about Mother’s Day.
im wondering now if me and Dd just living our lives was a huge trigger for everyone 🤣

CautiousLurker2 · 13/03/2026 16:47

What stands out is that her comments completely denigrated motherhood and the day for her MiL - she was effectively sneering at a get-together intended to centre your MiL. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person, really, whether that is fed by lack of self-esteem or narcissistic self importance.

Primrose86 · 13/03/2026 16:47

I genuinely think formula feeding is harder than breastfeeding/cosleeping. I think she took the harder route!

HScully · 13/03/2026 16:47

The is not one right way of being a mother, if you are happy, she is happy the kids are what is the issue? You do not have to agree, and you do not have to fallout if you do not agree.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 16:50

This reply has been deleted

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Calliopespa · 13/03/2026 16:51

Primrose86 · 13/03/2026 16:40

What's wrong with going to a better hospital. Esp with the incredibly poor maternity care in many hospitals, I wanted to be safe rather than sorry with my first and only pregnancy.

I went to a central london hospital even though I live in the north london suburbs. As I dont drive, frankly its not a huge difference on public transport. When they did send me to the local hospital when I had bleeding during my pregnancy and they sent me there via ambulance, they got my gestational age wrong 'as the wheel said so'. Yes I am looking at you Whittington hospital. I was so glad I wasn't giving birth there and it was fortunate as I ended up with sepsis

It isn't the hospital it was the snidey comments about Mother's Day that sound a bit off.

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 16:51

You had it in the first few lines

Definitely pathetic

Tell her DS you will be his mum if he ever needs one

Why on earth did she have kids if she doesn’t want to be seen as a mother.

Always called my mother by her first name as that was what she wanted. Went NC at 18 and have never missed her.

Kettless · 13/03/2026 16:52

I have come across variations of that.
Women who feel the need to assert that everything is easy, perfect, no big deal, yada yada etc., when actually no one asked them.
I have always put it down to a huge lacking in them and general insecurity, kind of sad.

I remember one such woman saying to a glowing new mother at the school "wow, lord you really are thrilled to have had another baby".
It struck me as such a deeply weird thing to say.
Another parent quickly said "yea pretty normal to be delighted that your baby has arrived safely🙄".
It shut her up, but it screamed weird to me.

I think women who go on like that don't particularly like motherhood and thats how they cope with those feelings.
I would pity her more than anything else.

PfizerFan · 13/03/2026 16:53

Hmm. I went for an elective c section, and didnt go with my local hospital as it got bad reviews.

Are you going to judge me?

2O26 · 13/03/2026 16:54

godmum56 · 13/03/2026 16:33

what is a "pion"?

Typo! Thanks for catching that. It should be "peon"

BdayQ · 13/03/2026 16:54

TBH I feel like I could’ve been perceived as the SIL, in that despite by no means being some born-to-be-a-mum, and I was not at all braggy, I also didn’t make a big deal about anything in particular. I didn’t find everything easy, nor did I claim to, but I can see how I could’ve come across as breezy.

My SIL thought I was a dick and was happy to criticise a lot that I did, even if I didn’t do the same to her. For example because I had an elective c-section, she would openly tell me I was selfish and putting my baby at risk, that I was “too posh to push.” I on the other hand didn’t tell her she was selfish and putting her baby at risk by getting pregnant again with baby number 5 after doctors had told her to stop after severe complications with baby no 4 because they could be at risk. Thankfully all ended up being fine.

She said I thought I was better than her because I was breast feeding… I’d always said I’d try it and see how it went… I said I’d been fortunate that it had been an easy process for me and baby and therefore that’s what I’d done, but wouldn’t have been upset if it hadn’t worked out. She took this as a criticism that she chose to bottle feed, which wasn’t the case.

She started weening her babies at 4 months and scoffed at me waiting until the recommended 6 months. I didn’t criticise her in any way, but she was very happy to criticise me. She still does TBF.

OP seems a lot like my SIL, and I bet OP would think I was a lot like her SIL. Why not just get on with your life and let her do her thing?

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 16:55

Kettless · 13/03/2026 16:52

I have come across variations of that.
Women who feel the need to assert that everything is easy, perfect, no big deal, yada yada etc., when actually no one asked them.
I have always put it down to a huge lacking in them and general insecurity, kind of sad.

I remember one such woman saying to a glowing new mother at the school "wow, lord you really are thrilled to have had another baby".
It struck me as such a deeply weird thing to say.
Another parent quickly said "yea pretty normal to be delighted that your baby has arrived safely🙄".
It shut her up, but it screamed weird to me.

I think women who go on like that don't particularly like motherhood and thats how they cope with those feelings.
I would pity her more than anything else.

SIL was asked about mothers day though when OP asked her about receiving a card. If OP doesn't want to hear SIL's opinions then surely she should refrain from asking questions if she's just going to complain and take it personally when SIL answers her?

dananananana · 13/03/2026 17:00

Sorry but you seem to have as many issues as she does. Focus away from her.

powersthatbe · 13/03/2026 17:02

OP if you were comfortable in your own skin you wouldnt be bothered by your SILs choices. Maybe explore why you are having such a strong reaction to how she lives her
life.

She cant be held responsible for your feelings which only you are in control of.