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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of Cool Girl Mum sister-in-law?

324 replies

ThatPlumViewer · 13/03/2026 14:41

Absolutely at my limit with my sis in law and want to know if anyone else has come across this kind of Mum. The best way to describe it is that she is a pick me/cool girl Mum who always gives the impression she’s too good for motherhood.

The straw that broke the camels back was last weekend. We were all at my Mum’s house and she was given a homemade card from my brother and sister in laws son, my nephew. I said something along the lines of “ah how sweet, did he make one for you too?” to my SIL, and in response she just laughed and said no, that she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day so that’s why he made the card for his Granny when they made them at school. I must have looked shocked because she went on to explain that she finds Mother’s Day really naff and cringey, and she doesn’t need a day to be celebrated for doing something ordinary. It was as if she was judging those of us who do make a big deal about it.

I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic she is. This is a long line of behaviour like this from her. She was weird about her pregnancy - she was constantly saying how easy she found it, she never got sickness, she barely even felt pregnant. She chose to have a c-section and kept joking with us all that she was “too posh to push” like she was better than having a normal labour. She didn’t even give birth in her local hospital because her and my brother did loads of research and she decided she had to be in an outstanding rated hospital, and so travelled for that. She didn’t breastfeed and I know she told my Mum she found it gross which felt goady to those of us who did, and was always telling everyone who my brother did everything for her post-partum and she couldn’t understand why so many women struggled to shower with a baby. She never wanted to be called “mummy” and I know she got into a row with a health visitor when they referred to her as such.

Her son sometimes calls her by her first name now and only sometimes Mum, which is so pretentious. Everything she does is like a dig at the way Mum’s usually do things. She always said she never really felt different when she became a mother, didn’t have the usual trenches with her baby and went back to work full time with no problems. She always says her son has slotted into their lives perfectly. It’s like she thinks admitting anything has been hard or a struggle is embarrassing. It’s exactly like all the Cool Girl wives on here who say they don’t care about their husband watching porn or going to strip clubs - I feel like she’s trying to make herself look better than all the rest of us who like Mother’s Day and found newborns difficult. Everyone else I know who became a Mum found a real solidarity in being real and honest with other mums about things, but she wants to appear completely relaxed and too cool to hang out with other Mums. I just think the Mother’s Day thing has tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
FairKoala · 13/03/2026 18:42

Next time she tells you why she couldn’t accept a hand made card from her DS or why she needs her son to hide the fact she is his mother ask her

Why are you so deeply ashamed to be a mother.

Frequency · 13/03/2026 18:45

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 18:42

Next time she tells you why she couldn’t accept a hand made card from her DS or why she needs her son to hide the fact she is his mother ask her

Why are you so deeply ashamed to be a mother.

@ThatPlumViewer Don't say this. You will look like a twat.

ChiliFiend · 13/03/2026 18:46

I don't celebrate mother's day, valentine's day, or my anniversary with my husband. I think this is because my husband does most of the childcare - if anyone needs a day to appreciate them it's him, not me (and we do father's day). I also couldn't care less about him watching porn. Having said all of that, I found the newborn stage (and later!!) incredibly difficult; I am so impressed by SAHMs as I think they've got the hardest job of anyone. So I'm kind of baffled by your description of "cool girl" mums; I can't work out if you're talking about me or not. I think you just need to do you, and pay no mind to her. Mums are just women; there are billions of us; there's obviously a lot we have in common but our experiences and attitudes vary wildly and that's fine.

Grapewrath · 13/03/2026 18:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 18:38

People who dislike this woman (based on OP’s highly partial post) seem to have an issue with her not wanting to “behave like a mum”, whatever that means.

Why are mothers required to behave in certain ways prescribed by other mothers and why does choosing not to identify solely as a “mum” have to be bad for their children?

You may not want to do this yourself but its a stretch to argue that anything she does is in any way damaging to her children.

Plenty of people have lives outside of being a mother and yet manage to have strong bonds with their children. It feels like OP and others find this threatening? I cant see any other reason to involve yourself in any of this. Honestly the post is one of the most narrow minded and judgemental things I have read on here.

Yes this- I said earlier many of my parenting experiences were similar and I’ve managed to raise and have great relationships with 3 adult children without making motherhood my whole identity.
One of them even calls me by my first name most of the time- what a shocker

SmallandSpanish · 13/03/2026 18:49

The lady doth protest too much. She sounds deeply insecure and tragically desperate to fight against the natural evolution of her life. Poor kid.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 18:50

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 18:30

Of course having a c section and bottle feeding isnt a dig. Saying youre "too posh to push" is incredibly insulting to people who had a natural birth. Saying she finds mothers day cringe and she shouldn't be celebrated for doing something normal, implies that other mums shouldn't either.
Its not about her parenting choices, its about her mocking others for theirs. Perhaps shes just incredibly vapid and doesnt realise how insulting it is, but I doubt that.

Too posh to push is usually used as an insult towards those who have had c-sections. I've had a vaginal birth and don't find it insulting at all.

She only elaborated about mothers day when she was asked a question by OP and then responded to her reaction. She simply stated how she feels about mothers day which is absolutely fine and doesn't automatically mean she believes everyone should be the same as her.

MiladyCBerserko · 13/03/2026 18:52

Ahahah, OP, if I had a sister-in-law, I would think you're talking about me, because you've described me down to a T. I'm so glad that at least another woman like me exists!

I'm sorry you find it so triggering when a woman has a child on her own terms and chooses to do things in a way that works for her as well as her child, and continues to have a life outside of being a parent. Maybe if you tried it, you'd see that it's actually a very healthy approach, but I can accept that everyone does things differently and that's ok. I wish you peace.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 18:54

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 18:42

Next time she tells you why she couldn’t accept a hand made card from her DS or why she needs her son to hide the fact she is his mother ask her

Why are you so deeply ashamed to be a mother.

She’s not “deeply ashamed” to be a mother (as far as I can tell).

She just chooses not to follow a “colour by numbers” approach to it, and doesn’t want her entire life to be defined by it.

What is wrong with this?

Motherhood isn’t the Freemasons: you’re not obliged to sign up to every visible signal of “being a mum”. And as decided by whom? Who gets to make the rules about what “being a mum” looks like? Why is her not celebrating Mother’s Day or choosing to research her birth options detrimental to her children?

It just pisses people off because they don’t like others making informed decisions about which aspects of the motherhood symbolism to choose or reject.

Her choices don’t impact on anyone other than her: why does the OP get to stand in judgement?

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 18:55

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 18:38

People who dislike this woman (based on OP’s highly partial post) seem to have an issue with her not wanting to “behave like a mum”, whatever that means.

Why are mothers required to behave in certain ways prescribed by other mothers and why does choosing not to identify solely as a “mum” have to be bad for their children?

You may not want to do this yourself but its a stretch to argue that anything she does is in any way damaging to her children.

Plenty of people have lives outside of being a mother and yet manage to have strong bonds with their children. It feels like OP and others find this threatening? I cant see any other reason to involve yourself in any of this. Honestly the post is one of the most narrow minded and judgemental things I have read on here.

This is exactly it.

Even OP mentions something about how mums 'usually do things'. Like all mums are robots and are exactly the same with identical experiences and behaviours.

the7Vabo · 13/03/2026 19:04

Gently OP, this sounds like a you issue.

If that was my SIL I’d find it a bit odd, funny in places but I just wouldn’t care.

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 19:05

She has missed the point on Mother’s Day

For youngish children it is more about their participation, making breakfast for their mum and making her a card. A mother denying her dc a chance to participate in this tradition can single the child out especially at school where it won’t have gone unnoticed that he made a card for his gran instead of his mother

Even if she thinks getting a hand made Mother’s Day card from her ds is cringy and naff, as a mother you would never say that. It hurts the child feelings

It’s like she has raced through so much that she has missed the point of it all and for all her boasting, it is her that will lose out

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 19:08

2O26 · 13/03/2026 16:16

Your SIL is extremely sanctimonious. She thinks she's above you pions (aka normal mothers). She must be exhausting to be around. OP, not sure why so many posters are jumping on you.

Sounds like she is uncomfortable being a mother. She has to tell the world that nothing has changed for her -she's still exactly the same person she was before she became a mother. "Methinks, the lady doth protest too much". My advice, ignore her. She is to be pitied.

Edited

Just because her way of being a mother is different from yours, that doesn't mean she's uncomfortable with motherhood. 'Being a mother' doesn't have to mean doing everything the way you do it.

She has to tell the world that nothing has changed for her

If that's her experience, why shouldn't she talk about it? She's allowed to talk about her own experience of being a mother, even if you don't happen to relate to it. Jeez.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 19:09

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 19:05

She has missed the point on Mother’s Day

For youngish children it is more about their participation, making breakfast for their mum and making her a card. A mother denying her dc a chance to participate in this tradition can single the child out especially at school where it won’t have gone unnoticed that he made a card for his gran instead of his mother

Even if she thinks getting a hand made Mother’s Day card from her ds is cringy and naff, as a mother you would never say that. It hurts the child feelings

It’s like she has raced through so much that she has missed the point of it all and for all her boasting, it is her that will lose out

Small kids don’t know about Mother’s Day unless their parents introduce it to them. Its just another day.

Its like saying children are deprived if they don’t celebrate Saints Days. Its only an issue if you make it an issue. Every family has its own rituals and priorities. Who decided Mother’s Day has to be sacrosanct for thr children?

There are plenty of other ways to celebrate your appreciation for your parents.

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 19:12

SmallandSpanish · 13/03/2026 18:49

The lady doth protest too much. She sounds deeply insecure and tragically desperate to fight against the natural evolution of her life. Poor kid.

the natural evolution of her life

So the 'natural evolution' of her life in your opinion is to lose her entire identity and conform to some weirdly rigid societal notion of what a mother is meant to be? You think she, as a woman, is 'unnatural' for not wanting to make birth and breastfeeding and being called 'mummy' her entire identity?

Feminism is fucking dead on this forum

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 19:13

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 18:42

Next time she tells you why she couldn’t accept a hand made card from her DS or why she needs her son to hide the fact she is his mother ask her

Why are you so deeply ashamed to be a mother.

I mean, she could certainly ask that question if she wanted to seem mildly deranged and a total cunt, but I'd certainly advise against it otherwise

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 19:14

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 18:50

Too posh to push is usually used as an insult towards those who have had c-sections. I've had a vaginal birth and don't find it insulting at all.

She only elaborated about mothers day when she was asked a question by OP and then responded to her reaction. She simply stated how she feels about mothers day which is absolutely fine and doesn't automatically mean she believes everyone should be the same as her.

Its not that she believes everyone should be like her, if they did that she'd quickly take the opposite view, im sure.

Its for the fact that she made an insinuation that mother's day isnt special. She feels she shouldn't be celebrated for doing something normal, which insinuates that she thinks nobody else should either, as theyre just doing their job. Perfectly fine to think that, but saying it to others is going to cause offence, whether she was asked or not.

It was insensitive as best, and I think the SIL knows that but doesnt care. I think what's more sad is that her son probably wanted to make her a card, but had to make his grandma one instead because SIL didnt want a handmade card from her son. It would create feelings of rejection, coupled with the fact she prefers for him to call her by her name and not mum. She could of just accepted the card in the name of putting her childs feelings before her own.

Call my crazy but if I was a young child, this would feel very much like rejection to me at the least.

Calliopespa · 13/03/2026 19:19

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 19:13

I mean, she could certainly ask that question if she wanted to seem mildly deranged and a total cunt, but I'd certainly advise against it otherwise

To be honest it's the Dsis who is being weird about it all.

She is also missing the point that Mother's Day isn't all about her: it's about a day when the family come together and show appreciation, which should have a salutary effect on the children too, and give them pause to reflect and feel grateful.

Plenty of my friends slightly dread the tray on bed with cold tea, chewy toast etc etc, the "craft" items that come home from school but said they love and appreciate the fact of people trying.

Calliopespa · 13/03/2026 19:22

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 19:14

Its not that she believes everyone should be like her, if they did that she'd quickly take the opposite view, im sure.

Its for the fact that she made an insinuation that mother's day isnt special. She feels she shouldn't be celebrated for doing something normal, which insinuates that she thinks nobody else should either, as theyre just doing their job. Perfectly fine to think that, but saying it to others is going to cause offence, whether she was asked or not.

It was insensitive as best, and I think the SIL knows that but doesnt care. I think what's more sad is that her son probably wanted to make her a card, but had to make his grandma one instead because SIL didnt want a handmade card from her son. It would create feelings of rejection, coupled with the fact she prefers for him to call her by her name and not mum. She could of just accepted the card in the name of putting her childs feelings before her own.

Call my crazy but if I was a young child, this would feel very much like rejection to me at the least.

Yeah it reminds me of a loudmouth at a Christmas carol service going on at the end about how he doesn't actually view it as a special festival. Fine to have his opinions, but don't go to a carol service at that time of the year and hold forth about it. Its fine to have opinions and soften them according to the circumstances. It's called having a fliter.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/03/2026 19:24

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 19:14

Its not that she believes everyone should be like her, if they did that she'd quickly take the opposite view, im sure.

Its for the fact that she made an insinuation that mother's day isnt special. She feels she shouldn't be celebrated for doing something normal, which insinuates that she thinks nobody else should either, as theyre just doing their job. Perfectly fine to think that, but saying it to others is going to cause offence, whether she was asked or not.

It was insensitive as best, and I think the SIL knows that but doesnt care. I think what's more sad is that her son probably wanted to make her a card, but had to make his grandma one instead because SIL didnt want a handmade card from her son. It would create feelings of rejection, coupled with the fact she prefers for him to call her by her name and not mum. She could of just accepted the card in the name of putting her childs feelings before her own.

Call my crazy but if I was a young child, this would feel very much like rejection to me at the least.

Mothers day isn't special to her and that's absolutely fine. She was just sharing her opinion after OP's question and reaction. If someone is offended easily then maybe they shouldn't ask questions knowing they might not like the answer.

You also have no idea how her son feels about it or if he's just as excited to have made Granny a card because she enjoys Mothers Day. OP also never said that SIL prefers that he uses her name, just that he sometimes uses her name as well as mum.

My son also sometimes uses my name. I have no preference, it's his choice what he calls me (within reason, of course).

Calliopespa · 13/03/2026 19:24

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 19:05

She has missed the point on Mother’s Day

For youngish children it is more about their participation, making breakfast for their mum and making her a card. A mother denying her dc a chance to participate in this tradition can single the child out especially at school where it won’t have gone unnoticed that he made a card for his gran instead of his mother

Even if she thinks getting a hand made Mother’s Day card from her ds is cringy and naff, as a mother you would never say that. It hurts the child feelings

It’s like she has raced through so much that she has missed the point of it all and for all her boasting, it is her that will lose out

Agree

JassyRadlett · 13/03/2026 19:28

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 19:14

Its not that she believes everyone should be like her, if they did that she'd quickly take the opposite view, im sure.

Its for the fact that she made an insinuation that mother's day isnt special. She feels she shouldn't be celebrated for doing something normal, which insinuates that she thinks nobody else should either, as theyre just doing their job. Perfectly fine to think that, but saying it to others is going to cause offence, whether she was asked or not.

It was insensitive as best, and I think the SIL knows that but doesnt care. I think what's more sad is that her son probably wanted to make her a card, but had to make his grandma one instead because SIL didnt want a handmade card from her son. It would create feelings of rejection, coupled with the fact she prefers for him to call her by her name and not mum. She could of just accepted the card in the name of putting her childs feelings before her own.

Call my crazy but if I was a young child, this would feel very much like rejection to me at the least.

It's not special for her.

I've got a friend who doesn't celebrate her birthday. She has a total antipathy to it. But she doesn't think other people shouldn't celebrate and enjoy their birthdays. She happily celebrates other people's. She doesn't think they're lesser people for enjoying their birthdays.

Similarly, the SIL didn't stop her child from celebrating her MIL on Mother's Day, so presumably she recognises that it holds meaning and value for others. She didn't mention how she feels about it until OP asked.

She didn't share the information about how she felt about breastfeeding with OP. She shared it with her MIL who passed it on, yet OP still finds it "goady". It's not exactly as if bottle feeding is rare, either.

Try engaging with the world on the basis of taking what people say at face value, rather than assuming it's a coded and intentional dig on your own choices.

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 19:54

JassyRadlett · 13/03/2026 18:34

Yep, SIL definitely chose where to give birth and how to feed her baby as a put down to OP. She organised for her child to make and give OP's mum a Mother's Day card, and then reply to OP's questions/shocked expressions to make OP feel bad.

She formulated all her views on Mother's Day, what her kid should call her, going back to work etc just to make SIL feel judged.

She even went so far as to have an easy pregnancy and bay jus to spite SIL and other mothers who had a harder time.

If there's one thing I've taken away from the endless WOHM/SAHM rows here over the years, it's that one person's personal choice is not automatically a criticism of someone else's different choice.

Why do the apparent adults on here take comments and run with them and turn them into something theyre not? You just put so many words in my mouth, im choking.

I never said any of that. I dont even think this comment is worth replying to its so out of depth. It is quite obvious what i meant by my comment, perhaps try reading it again.

FairKoala · 13/03/2026 20:09

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/03/2026 18:54

She’s not “deeply ashamed” to be a mother (as far as I can tell).

She just chooses not to follow a “colour by numbers” approach to it, and doesn’t want her entire life to be defined by it.

What is wrong with this?

Motherhood isn’t the Freemasons: you’re not obliged to sign up to every visible signal of “being a mum”. And as decided by whom? Who gets to make the rules about what “being a mum” looks like? Why is her not celebrating Mother’s Day or choosing to research her birth options detrimental to her children?

It just pisses people off because they don’t like others making informed decisions about which aspects of the motherhood symbolism to choose or reject.

Her choices don’t impact on anyone other than her: why does the OP get to stand in judgement?

But this isn’t all about her. It’s about her child who isn’t allowed to call her mum or make her a card or celebrate Mother’s Day

If you don’t have some deep seated shame or fear why isn’t her child allowed to go through the rituals of Mother’s Day. After all she is a mother and a mother wouldn’t want to disappoint her DS.

Yes mothers have lives outside of children but do we tell everyone every time we see them and if you know someone hasn’t got something as good as you do you tell people

Do we tell everyone every decision we made and try to one up the other person.

Its the fact this woman would have gone into school and talked to the class teacher about her not believing in Mother’s Day and if they were making cards her DS would have to make one for his gran
Its totally weird.

Something to be grateful for is you never need to give her a card or gift again. Just say you thought she would find it cringy and naff and knew she didn’t want one

likelysuspect · 13/03/2026 20:14

A lot of these posts on here tell me everything I need to know about why young girls these days are pretending to be boys.

Horrendous

You dont fit the mould - well you're not a proper female and worse when you talk about that you're ashamed/traumatised/need therapy/boring/goady

worldshottestmom · 13/03/2026 20:16

JassyRadlett · 13/03/2026 19:28

It's not special for her.

I've got a friend who doesn't celebrate her birthday. She has a total antipathy to it. But she doesn't think other people shouldn't celebrate and enjoy their birthdays. She happily celebrates other people's. She doesn't think they're lesser people for enjoying their birthdays.

Similarly, the SIL didn't stop her child from celebrating her MIL on Mother's Day, so presumably she recognises that it holds meaning and value for others. She didn't mention how she feels about it until OP asked.

She didn't share the information about how she felt about breastfeeding with OP. She shared it with her MIL who passed it on, yet OP still finds it "goady". It's not exactly as if bottle feeding is rare, either.

Try engaging with the world on the basis of taking what people say at face value, rather than assuming it's a coded and intentional dig on your own choices.

I cba with this stupid thread anymore tbh