AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

He’s 25. I’m intrigued to how you “accidentally” found the engagement ring. He doesn’t need his mum’s permission. Please don’t speak to his girlfriend. If my future in-laws had done I’d be mega pissed off. He thinks he’s ready so you need to let him get on and not interfere unless he asks for your input.
I have a close relationship with my son, albeit he lives overseas. We only found out he proposed when they posted a picture on the family WhatsApp chat.
I got married 2 days after my husband graduated. Not flush with money but we made it work.

Please tell us you were not snooping and found the ring.

honestly I think we are all quite horrified by your behaviour here. He only needs to inform you if he’s 16. Being ready is his decision, not yours.

you need to accept he’s an adult and not even a young one now. And you need to go away and think about how you’re behaving and how unacceptable your thought process is and how controlling.

How old were you when your husband proposed op? How old was your husband. Did he need to ask his mummy first?

Yes speak to the girlfriend to say congratulations! Anything other than that and you will scupper any thoughts of a good relationship with them as a couple going forward

Where does he live/how does he support himself?

I was engaged whilst still at uni- got FT well paid job as soon as I could. Didnt care for my parents opinion on this. But also didnt want them to house me and dh

He's 25, not 15, and not your baby boy.

He didn't ask you for the money for the engagement ring so he doesn't have to inform you.

Unless you're going to drip feed that he lives with you and is planning to move his wife in to your house, you are going to have to let him make his own decisions.

Imagine getting engaged and then have your fiancé's mum say to you...i don't think he's ready for this.

Of course you're being unreasonable; she might have turned him down and he wouldn't want to share that with you.

He’s 25, Jesus Christ. I met my partner when he was 23 and he’s now 27. If at any point in the last couple of years he’d proposed (he hasn’t, but instead we’ve bought a house and had a baby, saving the wedding for later) I would laugh my head off if his mum was upset he’d proposed without “informing her first” and she felt like she needed to “say something to me” about it all. He’s an adult. Cut the apron strings. Get a grip.

Probably from ye olden days . Although that’s was the man asking the father for his daughter’s hand 🙄. Which we didn’t do 40 years ago so is probably very outdated now . Although I’ll probably be told lots of you did this now ! It’s the concept of the woman being the man’s property I struggle with .

By the time my DF was 25 he had completed an apprenticeship, served 7 years in the armed forces, married & become a father. It took my DP 10 years to save to buy their own house by which time they had 3 children. I doubt whether you would consider my DF to have have been financially ready at the time of his marriage, but my DP were in love and had a wonderful 50+ years together

You are concerned that your son is not ready but say that he has been to university. Was he still living at home during his university days? Is he still at home now? What makes you say that he isn't ready?

Edited for clarity

Why on earth do you think he needs to inform you in advance? He's a grown man. This is his life, his relationship.

Surely she means to say “oh congratulations darling, let’s see the ring, oh beautiful… I’m so looking forward to welcoming you officially to the family..: so, any ideas for dates yet?”

Did ye, aye

Bloody hell, this is coming across as very controlling by 'mum'.

In 1820 he’d most likely have been married for years with 3 or 4 kids by 25!😂

back off Op, I’ve been married over 30 years and pretty sure that 24yr old DH didn’t ask his mummy before he asked me, even back in the 1990’s!

Living together is cheaper than living alone.

By the time my dad was 25 - he had been married 4 years, they'd moved house twice in the UK based on my dad's job promotions , and were living overseas and my mum was pregnant with second child..

appreciate times are now different - but still he is a grown up.

It’s one thing to have concerns about his relationship but he’s under no obligation to discuss it with you beforehand. In fact I’d go as far as to say that anyone who needs to discuss getting married with their mum before their partner prob shouldn’t be getting married. No one wants to be married to someone who feels the need to run every little thing past their mum first.

Oh my god what would you say to the girlfriend?! Do not do that!

however if you had just posted my 25 yo has only worked casual part time jobs in the two years since graduating and has just proposed to his fiancee, aibu to think he can’t afford a wedding? You’d probably get lots of agreement. Especially if he still lived at home.

this.

Is this going to be yet another one post rage bait thread?

He's a grown man, but if you are still subsidising him financially, physically, emotionally and mentally then you have done an absolute crap job of parenting. Your one and only job was to get him ready to fly the nest.

FFS, why would a 25 year old adult man tell his parents that he plans to propose?!

I knew my son was going to propose, because the ring was a family one that I was looking after.

You know he is an adult right? You don't get to decide when he is ready to propose or be informed in advance.

The only thing you should be doing is getting them a card and some champagne and saying congratulations.

If he lives at home, by all means ask what his plans are for living together.

WTF do you think you could possibly say to his girlfriend other than congratulations!

If my 19 yo announced he had got engaged I would be surprised but would still do the above regardless of whether I thought he was ready or not!

I got engaged at 22 and bought a house with my then fiancé after being together a year although we had no immediate plans for a wedding. It didn't last but it could have and our parents were nothing but supportive which I appreciated.