AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

Ok, I can see why you’re a bit worried, with his part time work and the first ever relationship (at least to your knowledge)

But YABU. He’s an adult and doesn’t need to tell you or ask permission. On no account speak to the woman in the way you suggest!

Congratulate him, and maybe suggest taking them for dinner to celebrate - no weird chat about permissions!

Um, he is an adult not a toddler.

Are you usually this interfering in his life? Perhaps it puts him off telling you anything?

You know your son better than strangers on the internet and, of course you may be right that he he is not ready to get marries yet but you are absolutely being unreasonable to think he was “supposed to inform you”.
He is a 25 year old adult. There isn’t really anything that he is “supposed to inform you” about and if you believe there is, then there is a decent chance that you are still treating him like a child which is quite likely to slow his development into an adult. It’s a vicious circle.
Why do you want to talk to his girlfriend? What information do you think she has that you could not get from chatting with your own adult son?
There may be lots of practical and emotional reasons why this gives you legitimate cause for concern. But you need to respect that he is an adult and approach your conversation with him respectfully. Be curious, not judgemental.
My DD25 has a lot of half- baked ideas (mostly about moving abroad) but they are better dealt with by me saying “what an amazing idea. I can see why you’d love that. What’s the cost of living like there.” Try saying “Congratulations! That’s amazing. Tell me about your plans. Where do you think you want to live?” Or “are you going to move in together first”?
If your still financially supporting him and you really think this is a bad idea, consider how you might stop supporting him without it being any sort of confrontation. He wants to be an adult and a husband and that means independence.

This.
It gets very tiresome.
At 25, I moved to another country, because of my imposing parents.
Best decision made.

You want to talk to his fiancée? Why? Are you going to ask her to not marry your son because you don't think he's ready? Because that would be utterly insane.

You say congratulations, get some champagne in and make it clear to both of them how happy you are for them?

Personally, I think the first people to know about a (potential) engagement are the people getting engaged. Given that DH and I did not run our engagement past either set of parents before we decided I’d find it rather odd if my son told me ahead of the woman he loved that he wanted to get married. I think my reaction would be to wonder what she thinks about it.

I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet? reverse or some AI made up bollocks?

On the off-chance this is real you are the mother and mother-in-law from hell, and I suspect your soon-to-be DIL will be posting about you here soon. Just before the two of them go no contact.

In fact if I were them I would advise them to elope and never look back. HTH.

Unless he still lives at home and plans to move his wife in as well, you are completely unreasonable.

Frankly OP you're really weird!

I’m not sure why he needed to inform you in advance?

How can he afford to live if he’s only working PT?

It sounds as though you are giving him an allowance/allowing him to live at home for free and you’re concerned how him getting married is going to impact you.

But this may make him grow up.
He needs to get a FT job and focus on a career.
Be very clear that his woman cannot come and live with you.

Congratulate him, take them for a celebration dinner and then help them look for somewhere to live and a FT job for him.

If it impacts OP and her home then I don’t think she’s being overbearing.

He's an adult, he has no need to inform you of his decisions.

Does your son still live with you? If so then you would have cause for concern but take them out for a celebratory meal and wish them well!

Are you always this controlling? Because he's an adult and the decision on whether to get engaged/married (or anything else that for that matter) is his alone.

Why would it impact the OP or her home?

I was married at 25. When DH and I decided to get married when I was 24, I didn’t tell my parents before I made that decision. Why would I?! I don’t consult them before every life decision, I mostly tell them what my decision is afterwards or ask for their advice if I don’t know what decision to make. I knew I wanted to marry DH, I didn’t need a consultation beforehand to confirm that.

Stop infantilising your adult offspring and let him live his own life.

Where is your son living? Are they living together?

I can see why you're worried tbh, despite his age.

How long has he been in this relationship?
Does he still live at home?
Have you met her?

Omg. He’s a grown up. It’s nothing to do with you.

Dh and I met when he was 21. First proper relationship for him. Got engaged when he was 23 and married at 24 and pregnant with our first 6 months after that. That was 18 years ago and we are still very happy.

We didn’t have any money. My ring cost £700. We lived in a shitty cold damp cottage, Dh was earning £18k a year and I was still a student. Nearly 2 decades on, we have a big beautiful house, very comfortable life, happy well adjusted children.

Support him and guide him, but lots of people have children and mortgages at his age. He’s a proper adult and can make proper adult decisions.

Bet the ring was in the last place you thought of looking.
😉😁😁.

It’s none of your business leave him and his fiancée alone no wonder he didn’t tell you he knew you would react like this. He’s 25 not 15 it’s not your place to tell him what he is ready for and what he’s not ready for.

You are obviously worried, but it will be fine.
Just make sure you are ready to pop a condom on him so he doesn’t have a baby whilst he is still one himself.

OP, unfortunately you do not have any control over his decision making in this matter.
Best to congratulate him and wish him the very best and her of course.
Lots of positivity.

However, should he think that he and his new wife to be, are moving in with you anytime soon, you can definitely have a view on THAT.

I would remain calm and positive and ask him when he has plans to move out and experience living on his own before marriage, which IMO is invaluable for both men and women.

He may not have given any thought to such matters, and he needs to.

Last year my recently retired friend had a similar issue.
Her son assumed that his girlfriend from university and himself could move into her home and live there and work from home as it would save them so much in rent now that they were planning on moving back to his home city.

She had been so looking forward to retiring and having two working from home adults was most certainly not on her cards.

She had to be very clear on that point as her son had simply never considered an apartment as his parents had a nice well located home.
Whilst she would have accepted a brief period whilst finding an apartment, she had no intention of spending her new retirement tip toeing around her home whilst two people work from home.

They had been sharing in a house together in their university city so there was no need to assume that they could automatically return home.
She loves to welcome them for sunday lunch, the odd mid week meal, etc., but living with her, no.

Some might think that harsh but I think that is her choice to make.

That's how I'd see it.

Definitely don't try to raise your concerns with his girlfriend.