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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

303 replies

OneOliveDeer · 13/03/2026 10:10

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

OP posts:
DestinedToBeOutlived · 13/03/2026 11:14

You mean you're not ready.

It's weird that you 'accidently' discovered the ring, and the price. Its weird that you think you should be informed beforehand, and it's weird that you want to talk to the fiancé about you thinking this 25 year old man isn't ready.

You really need to learn to back off or you won't be told anything and be kept at arms length forever.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 13/03/2026 11:14

He’s 25… why would he inform you? 😂 Don’t be ridiculous. Getting married doesn’t mean they need loads of money or that theyre going to start a family yet or anything. Relax.

I married my first adult boyfriend. We are 13 years in, very happy.

G5000 · 13/03/2026 11:17

I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say

Yes I am also not sure what you want to say.
He has no money - well getting married doesn't change that and finacee is probably quite aware of this? If you are worried he will take out a massive loan to finance the wedding, talk to your son about it.

Throwmoneyatit · 13/03/2026 11:18

What age does he need to be for Mummy to allow him to choose which friends to play with??

Wheresthebeach · 13/03/2026 11:18

Informing you??? That's mad. You actually mean 'asking your permission'.

Stop it now. Smile, say congratulations and keep your noise out.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 13/03/2026 11:18

This is why he doesn’t tell you things, hess a 25 year old man stop babying him your being extremely weird.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 13/03/2026 11:20

Throwmoneyatit · 13/03/2026 11:18

What age does he need to be for Mummy to allow him to choose which friends to play with??

At least 50 in OPs eyes. 😂

00deed1988 · 13/03/2026 11:23

My husband worked part time and lived at home aged 24 when we got engaged. We did a fairly cheap wedding and moved in together the Monday after we got married. We are now 37/38 and financially secure. Have good jobs. If anything we supported each other where we wanted to go. Neither spoke to our parents about it till it was done.

Happyjoe · 13/03/2026 11:23

Ah, be happy for them, even if only on the face of it otherwise you will drive him away. He's 25, he can ask whoever he wants to marry him without asking parents first!

If he really wants to make this work, this may just be the making of him, full time job, moving out, him and his wife to be being a team.

FlowerFairyDaisy · 13/03/2026 11:24

You are being so unreasonable here, just be happy and congratulate them!

Rhubarb24 · 13/03/2026 11:25

CraftyNavySeal · 13/03/2026 10:12

He’s 25, cut the apron strings

She needs to cut the umbilical cord first.

Superhansrantowindsor · 13/03/2026 11:28

Flipping heck. I got married much younger. Neither of us had a pot to piss in. It was our first relationship and we got engaged within a few months of meeting. Been together 30 years now and so happy. Thankfully our families didn’t interfere. They recognised we were adults who made their own decisions and would be responsible for any consequences.

HoppingPavlova · 13/03/2026 11:28

Are there Special Needs going on here? If not, this is not remotely normal.

openall · 13/03/2026 11:29

My spouse and I were engaged at 24/25 and not only did we not tell anyone beforehand we didn't tell them until three years later when planning the wedding!

Snorlaxo · 13/03/2026 11:31

He’s not obligated to inform you but I’d be asking gentle questions like where they plan to live and how quickly they are able to save for a wedding etc

I have a similar aged son in full-time employment and I would be surprised if he told me the same but he’s forthcoming about his financial goals like saving for a big holiday next year and putting money towards his pension and LISA.

In your case I would be concerned about a baby pregnancy coming soon when there’s no financial plans. Even if the gf is a high earner, she may not be happy going back to work while your son stays at home.

FlapperFlamingo · 13/03/2026 11:32

I also have sons in early/mid twenties. I wouldn't expect to be told in advance of a proposal - I'd expect to be told later when they are both ready to share. As for their finances, firstly it's their business and not yours. Secondly, how do you know what his finances are? I have no idea about my sons' accounts, that's up to them. As long as they don't expect me to keep financing them then it's fine. I hope you have congratulated them and been absolutely lovely and not raised concerns - because you really don't want to alienate them!

PepsiBook · 13/03/2026 11:33

Why did he need to inform you beforehand? He has told you, he didn't need to ask permission.
What has money got to do with getting married? You can marry super cheap?
Was is a mistype that he is 25? As that's mid 20s, not a young child or even young adult.

Frugalgal · 13/03/2026 11:33

OneOliveDeer · 13/03/2026 10:10

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

He's 25!! He's not 'supposed' to tell you anything!!

I can see why you might have reservations in relation to her being his first girlfriend but they are your reservations to keep to yourself. Express all the joy and congratulations and let them get on with it.

He could be ten years older marrying his latest in a long line of girlfriends having undertaken full and formal consultations with you and the chances of him ending up divorced would still be high.

For god's sake don't go quizzing the girlfriend in an effort to undermine the relationship, it will be counterproductive and set a negative tone for her joining the family.

People will do what they want to do, irrespective of anyone else trying to persuade them out if it

So get your happy welcoming face on and be there to provide support whatever happens.

Wildgoat · 13/03/2026 11:33

Oh op, you need to step back. He’s a grown man not a child. It is right he informed you after and you don’t get to judge his readiness.

you need to accept he’s a grown man, and you need to simply wish them both congratulations, maybe have a meal to celebrate and welcome her to the family.

for your future relationship don’t do anything other than this. Don’t be that mother in law, who tries to over involve herself in her child’s life and control them.

IceStationZebra · 13/03/2026 11:33

Phrasing it as “the girlfriend” speaks volumes

fashionqueen0123 · 13/03/2026 11:34

Be pleased your son has some commitment!

shhblackbag · 13/03/2026 11:34

I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say.

Why on earth would you do that? Red flag behaviour.

It's his life. You really need to realise that he's a grown man and doesn't have to run life decisions by you, or next time he likely won't even inform you.

Snorlaxo · 13/03/2026 11:36

Is this a cultural thing where your DIL and your son plan to move in with you after the wedding?

BrieAndChilli · 13/03/2026 11:36

Unless there is some massive drip feed (he has the mental age of a 10 year old, they are drug addicts, he is heir to a billion pound fortune and you think she is a golddigger or you are royalty and he has to marry someone of regal standing) then you just need to butt out!!

When I was 25 I was pregnant and engaged to DH. We have been together for 6 years, travelled and worked abroad for 3 years in various countries! We probably were not 'financially ready' still rented etc but We are now mid forties, still married, 3 kids and a good life.

Trying to control his life at this age is only going to push him away.

Sahara123 · 13/03/2026 11:36

I got engaged at 24 and married at 25. First proper relationship. First either set of parents knew of it was when we walked in with the ring. Been married 40 years …