AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

Ignore the comments op. You don’t stop caring and worrying about adult children. I would definitely talk it through with him and ask him what his plans are re work, finance etc. Whatever anyone says here it’s a normal conversation to have with your parents at any age!

Errrrr yeah, you are definitely being unreasonable.

He is 25!!! Why does he have to inform Mummy and Daddy that he wants to propose to his girlfriend? He makes his own decisions and its not for you to decide if he is 'ready' or not.

My DD is 25 and her boyfriend proposed to her before Xmas. My first thoughts were to be excited for her, to say congratulations and to buy them a card and some champagne to celebrate. I am genuinely happy for her. She is happy, so that makes me happy.

I think we have a tendency to worry too much about our kids these days. Let him go and make his own adult decisions, and take his own path in life, and yes, make his own mistakes if necessary. If it ends up being a mistake then let him make it.

Is there another reason you think he should have informed you? Will this impact you in any way?

If you are wondering where they will live together etc, then take him out for a coffee to chat about his news and then just ask him the question in general conversation (not grilling him)

And please don't speak to his girlfriend/fiance! You will come across as batshit crazy and overbearing.

well your reaction isn't exactly positive so if you've got form for this, I can see why he didn't want to tarnish a happy occasion with negativity.

You can care and be worried for him but ultimately he's 25 and what would you have done if he had of told you before? Tried to talk him out of it? Which could possibly be why he didn't tell you?

A couple I know who both have decent jobs and plenty of money got engaged at about 22. They are now 36, still together and still not married. Own a house, nice cars, no wedding. Don't worry about it. It may well fizzle out yet but if it doesn't, it doesn't mean there is automatically a 25k wedding on the horizon, or three kids before he's thirty.

WTF?

My late DH and I got engaged when we were 23. Our parents were not remotely involved in our decision, and simply congratulated us.

If he’s living in her home and he’s already working PT and has spent £650 of his money on a ring, then it’s most likely going to affect how much he contributes.

This. As long as he has is own home/ she does they are adults and it is good they have found a life partner.

If he is expecting her to move in with you, then he is totally out of order.

Why would he have consulted you?! He’s 25 years old. A grown man doesn’t need to ask his mother before he proposes. And how did you ‘accidentally’ find the engagement ring? Are you going through his stuff?

What do you mean by ‘not financially ready’? His finances are none of your business but presumably he and his fiancée are planning to rent somewhere together and will look for jobs to fund it. That’s for them to sort out.

Don’t talk with the girlfriend. You shouldn’t interfere; this is their relationship, not yours.

I expect he didn't tell you because he had a good idea of how you'd react, OP.

Anyway, he's 25. Unless he's a desperately immature 25 year old, he's perfectly capable of making his own decisions.

This reminds me of the poster who expected her son to thank her in his engagement party speech even though she hadn't helped or contributed to the party and would have said no if he'd asked her to!

Good lord! No wonder there's an epidemic of snowflakes and young people who "fail to launch" if this is a parent's response to a young man being responsible and thinking of the future!

Congratulate him, support him!

And congratulations to you for raising a responsible young man who's not leading on a woman in her most fertile years.

Perhaps have a listen to this podcast - Amol Rajan's interview with Ed Davies about the importance of young men making important commitments and supporting their girlfriends/wives in establishing stable families.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m002stwm/radical-with-amol-rajan-the-decline-of-marriage-and-family-stability

@OneOliveDeer
Are you in the UK? It is not the cultural norm for an adult man to check his life decisions with Mummy.

Sounds like he lives at home with you? In which case, yes I think he should’ve talked about his intentions. Is he wanting her to move in with you all?

Maybe he was planning to tell you on Mothers day or another day. I don’t see that not telling you yet is a problem.

However, if he’s only working part-time, I can see why you may have concerns about the financial side of things. Where do they plan to live, and pay for it? How will they pay for the wedding etc.

I also agree that you shouldn’t talk to the gf, apart from welcoming her to the family. You don’t want to be that (interfering) mil!

"supposed to inform us" 😂

Where on earth do you get that idea from?

I was about to say the above ^. If they don’t live together then I’d be a bit concerned about it all. If he is expecting you to house the girlfriend and pay for the wedding then yes I would expect him to discuss it in advance. If they were living together then he would be an independent adult and can do what he wants, but it doesn’t sound like he is

Readiness for marriage is about commitment to one another, not about having a mortgage or a regular income. Be happy for him.

I agree with pps.

If he's financially dependent on you or living at home or relying on moving in (or likely to ask for wedding contribution or deposit) it's your business.

If not it isn't, "congratulations!" is all you need to say.

Online tutoring can actually be very, very lucrative for hourly rate. If he's only doing (say) 20 hours a week it may look casual/part time but his salary will be good.

Plus the conditions will be better than a graduate scheme job (wfh, flexible, no boss, can live anywhere).

So if he's been doing it for a few years and is experienced he's probably doing more than Ok. Added to having a good relationship and he's officially winning at life.

Incidentally, most MEN do much better career and finance wise if they marry young. Less risk of going off the rails!

Why did he have to tell you first? Were you going to disinherit him or something?

I have a son a similar age and he’d probably tell me his plans and ask questions about buying a ring with his girlfriend or choosing himself etc I certainly wouldn’t want to be ‘informed’ it’s nice to share but depends on the relationship with your kid really doesn’t it, perhaps he will become better financially, my son has had a bit of a tough time but is an amazing lad, am very proud of him and I tell him!
Maybe be a bit more positive, your negative post will come across to him a don’t speak to the fiancée, best way to push them away. Could you try to be happy he’s in love and found someone he wants to spend his life with?

Meh! Engagements are made to be broken so it might not end in marriage anyway.

But even if it does, no he is not 'supposed' to tell you before he proposes.

How have you managed to "find (snoop)" the ring that was already proposed with? Should it not be on his dear fiancé's finger, since she accepted?

I got married when I was 24 - a woman I worked with those son was the same age as me said she would be horrified if he said he was getting married - so fucking rude, it’s none of your business, definitely don’t speak to her!

Edited to add - we are still happily married almost 20 years later.

Presumably he bought the ring after the acceptance.