AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

Perhaps they belong to the Royal Family . . . 😉Prince Charles had to ask permission from his mother to propose to Lady Diana . . .

We got engaged after months as late teens, married a couple of years later. Didn’t inform parents first. No money. No clue. Somehow we’re still married over two decades later. It can work. Marriages fail who marry in their twenties and they can fail if you marry in your fifties.
Hes definitely not a child!

I want to talk with the girlfriend

Do not do this. It's fine to get to know her, but do not discuss anything about the proposal, her age, his age, finances etc.

I don’t understand - is he vulnerable in some way, is that your concern?

otherwise it costs £100 - 150 to get married.

it’s his decision. It sounds more like you want him to ask you for consent rather than be informed - which you have been.

I would not have been happy if DH had told his mum before asking me!

What the fuuuuuccckkk.

Why should he tell you? 😂

Mum, that you??

I can perfectly well believe this is real, I have a mother just like the OP. Down to her 'accidentaly finding things' aka snooping, going through my stuff, my handbag, trying to break into my laptop and phone, opening my letters. Reading my diary when I was a young teen and then deriding me for it. It was locked with a little lock, she broke it.

Anyway, something similar to your son's situation happened in my life in early 20s and my mother ran screeming to another party and even their parents. She caused a huge scene, called them vile names, etc.

I moved to another country straight away and haven't spoken with her for the next 11 years. When she finally found out where I am, she crawled back begging, and we reconciled, she learned her leasson and doesn't interfere in my life anymore. But I keep her at arms length and would never trust her with anything personal and important to me.

Whatever you do, DO NOT go and speak to his fiancée. Other than congratulate her. Don't. If you value your relationship with your ADULT son.

Our role as parents once our DC are adults is to only give tactful advice if we are asked.
The correct response is to sincerely say ‘congratulations, what wonderful news’.

Is he living at your house?

It’s perfectly normal for a son to announce he is engaged after a proposal rather than before.
25 is quite young but he’s an adult and he doesn’t need to consult you about his life choices. If you stick your oar in at this stage you risk alienating him and his fiancée.
i would wish them both warm congratulations if I were you.
i have seen a mother/son relationship break down over this exact thing by the way!

Do you have a close relationship with your son ? Did you know he was dating her ? (Im presuming they were dating before he proposed)
I think he should have told you about it but it's possible he didn't as he thought you would talk him out of it or try to stop it.
Why else wouldn't be have purposely not told you ?
Yes its okay to worry about him and if the relationship will work or not, its normal for us mums to worry but at the age of 25 he's old enough to make mistakes and learn from them, as his mum you will be there for him if anything was to happen. I think you should support him and make sure he knows your there for him.

If you do talk to her make it a nice, friendly talk. Because anything negative will get back to your son and they will learn to keep their distance from you.

Its also a positive thing for him to fall in love and get married, rather than go around using lots of girls.. its great he's found someone.

He's 25!!!!

This has got to be a joke thread

While I do agree with other posters that he’s a grown man and he doesn’t need to run anything past you I must admit I’d be a bit sad about finding out after the event.
DS1 and I are very close, he told me he planned on proposing and asked me to take him and help choose a ring.
DS2 is only 18 and while we are equally as close I suspect he’ll do things more independently which is fine too.

This post is wild. Why on earth would an adult ‘inform’ you about anything. Unless I guess he’s asked you for money?

If my then boyfriend, later DH, had asked for permission from my dad the answer would have been a 'no' from me. And I would have told my dad that I wasn't a parcel to be handed from one person to the next. And that was over 40 years ago. If he'd asked his mum first I would also have said, 'you are joking. If you can't do anything without mummy's say so, I'm not interested'. For the record I like my MIL, she doesn't interfere.

My cousin got married at 22. I think she was only his second serious relationship. He and his wife are still married over 20 years later.

Say what now? WTAF does an adult man’s proposal have to do with his mother? I call wind-up.

Eh? He's an adult?

I suspect this is real. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she can’t be controlling or over involved.

hopefully this thread is a wake up call for her, otherwise she is going to be that mil and not welcome, the one always trying to interfere in their lives.

What did I just read 🙄

You do know that you dont OWN your 25yr old son?

Why on earth would he be running it by you whether he can get married or not? He's a fully grown adult, as is she? What would you even say to this girl... "Oh he didn't ask me if he was allowed marry you?"

Also, if he can afford a ring for 650quid just starting out in his career, good on him. He didnt squander it on drink and drugs, he thoughtfully picked a ring for the woman he loves.

You sound extremely overbearing.

I've read some daft things on here over the years, but this is worthy of a prize.

So I don't think OP will come back but for my tuppence worth... they are only getting engaged and could be engaged for years before deciding to get married or not. Seriously needs a plate of chillout!

I don't think OP is coming back . . .

This is really sad as, with the limited information available, her DS sounds like a lovely young man who is planning a wonderful future with his GF.

Much better than one young man I know who, when his GF informed him she was pregnant, ran a mile as he "felt he wasn't ready for that sort of commitment yet"