AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

They literally got engaged a week ago. There doesn’t have Rio be a “plan” yet. Leave her alone, leave them both alone to enjoy being in their happy engagement bubble.

Agree with the other posters..is DS an only child?.. why are you doing his washing?. Did you bring him up to be self reliant! Amazed by some posts on here saying you shouldn't expect adult DC to pay anything towards household. This is why you bring the kids up to be responsible, contributing,aware of Bills, from an early age. My dks working ft Paid. They had all left home by 18, it was still there for them if needed, which they did a couple of times. Only one got married,it didn't last,he was conned by someone wanting a British passport unfortunately,he was 30 then..

Not all families share that view. It's up to the OP what she wants to do

While your son is 25 he sounds like he hasn’t had much experience of fending for himself and his girlfriend is still at uni. I think they are being very naive and don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. Not much you can do about it but the fact that they haven’t even lived together rings alarm bells for me.

It's not 1820 😆
Made me chuckle

People can offer advice and support but ultimately people have to make their own mistakes so that they can learn from them.

He may be doing things in a different way to what you would do them but that’s ok.
Your way isn’t necessarily right and his way isn’t necessarily wrong.

If he does make wrong derisions (like we all do) he will learn and grow from them.

You do need to help him by stopping doing things like his washing.

His gf will not be doing this for him and he’s going to be very embarrassed that at his age he can’t do it.

He needs to cook and clean for himself from now on, so that he is able to live independently and then with another person.

The OP didn't say that he didn't know how to use a washing machine, cook or clean. How do any of us know that the gf won't do his washing? Or how they'll run their home

It took him a week to tell you? Frankly, the only relationship you need to worry about is the one you don’t have with your son.

I had a similar experience @IJustLurk

Its a form of control ‘do as I say or I will withdraw my love’.

And for what? A certain way of doing things on a single day. What a waste.

OP, please don't worry about it being his first gf or that he hasn't lived alone before
It does work this way for a lot of people
I have been with the same man since I was a teenager, over 20 years together now, two kids and happy.
My 25 year old niece is still in a happy relationship with the boyfriend she had at 16, she hadn't left home when she met him either, they moved in together straight from home.
I know quite a lot of people like this.

Just be happy for him that he found the one without lots of dating and heartbreak.

Of course the gf won’t do his washing because he’s a grown adult and not a child, so why would she?
Just like I assume he’s not going to be doing his gfs laundry either.

And the fact that OP goes into his bedroom and leaves laundry suggests this is a normal thing for them (which it isn’t for most people) and so for his own benefit she needs to stop doing it.

Pretty sure some GFS would do their partners washing -or vice versa. Maybe some families wash everyone's clothes at the same time

She doesn't need to stop doing it just because someone on here says so

I think this would have been me if I hadn't toed the line! Fortunately neither my husband or I were particularly bothered about the wedding itself so just went along with whatever my mother planned.
Rarely talk about the day, never have, it wasn't our day. We've had many, many far happier days in the twenty years since!

Dd and her bf are 21, together over 2 years and I'm pretty sure marriage is on the near horizon. Just a note of sympathy in that I worry A LOT about how they are going to manage financially going forward as neither have stable employment on the near horizon. I remind myself all the time that they are adults and have to deal with this themselves some how and I try to ration any queries I have about that. So while yes you need to be happy for them and leave them to it - I totally get you might worry about their future. Just do it out of sight.

Agreed. If everyone does their own washing, imagine the electricity bill! - Especially when starting out in life.Surely more sensible to take it in turns to do the washing for everyone.

Chores should be shared not doubled.

Hes 25 mind your own business

It will be a learning curve for him. Maybe he wasn't ready to share the news with you as he was worried you would disagree with him and it was something he really felt he had to do.

So basically you’re going to tell your son’s fiancé that he is a waste of space and not mature enough to get married? Great idea if you don’t ever want to see your future grandchildren!

Poor fiancé… she’ll be on here in a few years asking for advice on NC with her controlling MIL.

I’d think it through very carefully if I were you

Oh behave! He's 25 ffs! He's not your child anymore. I hope this poor girl is aware of what kind of monster-in-law she will end up with. In fact, I think that's a film you should watch - The Monster In-law.

Christ on a bike.

It's fine to be concerned, but your chicks have to fly the nest at some point. Concern is okay but it's his life now.

So glad you’ve had a long happy marriage @BoudiccaRuled

I can attest as 40 plus year old I am still my parents child. They don’t interfere in any aspect of my life beyond advice. I can say though that for as long as I have my parents they will offer advice under the banner of care no matter how frustrating it may be as an adult to take it.

It could be a lot worse, OP. My closest friend went to live in the country of birth of her boyfriend at the age of 22. They got married there and she told her parents at the end of a phone call on Christmas Eve - 'Oh by the way, X and I got married yesterday'.

I do find it weird that he took a week to tell you

rather than running the house saying she said yes