AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

He’s a man now and can make his own decisions, mistakes and achievements. You sound very bossy and controlling, at least you know why he didn’t tell you.

It wasn't a mistake back in the 90's. When I was 28 I went to my GP for genetic counselling and mentioned I was considering starting a family my GP told me I'd be classed as a geriatric mother.

fuxake! are you a bot?

away to fuck were yer!

That's what my GP told me not that it influenced me as I waited another couple of years before starting my family.

Aye right.

Inappropriate surprised OP has not told us she had selected a suitable girl for DS to marry, having inspected her bottom drawer.

And did your son ask permission of his girlfriend's father before proposing?

They’ve made their minds up so be happy for them! You can’t change it so enjoy, and work at keeping good connections, Have you taken them to dinner to celebrate, bought them a gift? Make plans and celebrate them. It’s wonderful he has the flexibility to work remotely and be with his fiancé who is presumably working. Smile and let them get on with it. Whatever you do don’t judge and always be welcoming.

Thank you for your kind words @LoveCromb
This is very reassuring. I just have had this worry at the back of my mind as he isn’t in a regular job. As other PPs have mentioned, these are conversations to be had because he still lives at home and worrying about these issues is part of being a mother. I will do my best to not interfere and only provide advice when requested

This is good advice OP

Tbh weddings are expensive at any age. Average UK wedding is over 20k and that is a 10% deposit on an average first time buyer property in the UK. Even in london it would have meant i bought my flat 1 year later!

I know mumsnet says you can do cheap weddings but inflation and wedding guest numbers as well as the expense of catering mean that it is easy to go into 5 figure territory without being particularly fancy. My brother in law had his wedding in a nearby European country and upon hearing my wedding lunch for 50 family members (2019 prices as I only celebrated my wedding after I bought my flat as is the custom in my home country, civil wedding was in 2015) was around £4k (my home country has an over supply of 5 star hotels and cheap food costs), he told me that this was nothing compared to what he spent. And he just had a simple wedding at the synagogue with a dinner in the synagogue for 100 guests, bride's dress was thrifted. I estimate it was probably around 10k euros. I wanted to do a simple celebration in uk but gave up on it after the pandemic happened and just did the one in my home country as it wasnt expensive and it is the custom in my country to give cash gifts.

My other sister in law had a wedding which was definitely 30k. I have yet to attend a wedding which didnt cost at least 5 figures.

tbf that's choice. Weddings are as big or small as you make them.

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding @whymadam
Truly appreciated. I do want the best for both of them and that is probably where the worry came from. I do agree that I need to move myself from the engagement approval committee 🙂

Im mid 30's and we married with no money and rented togerher for 2-3 years initially.

Good things are she has agreed to marry him for love, where as if your son was rich either through his own business or a trust fund - youd likely be worrying is she marrying him for his money.

Renting, yes a waste of money in some ways but its a fantastic way to test run being a proper relationship. But if theyd decided to get a mortgage for first moving in together and then realised they dont actually get along doing daily mundane life, well thats hard to detangle and would cause you a lot of worry Renting protects them both from serious commitment. They can have a go at playing house and if it all goes wrong and they realise they dont actually like one another, he can pop back to yours, lick his wounds and reassess things.

I'd try and count yourself lucky. An engagement and renting are very easy to walk away from.

For what its worth ive known 3 couples who skipped the renting stage and went straight to a mortgage but then they realised they couldnt get along in the day to day of life.

In each case took 6 months to a year for the relatipnships to crumble. In one instance there was a couple who had dated 6 years and in that time they did a lot of holidays and dates while living with their parents saving up for mortgage - you know the fun stuff of being in a relationship. Once they actually lived together and dealt with boring parts of life and dirty washing etc they broke up after only 6 mpnths. All those years wasted as they couldnt actually bear to live with on another.

So i think your son and by connection you - are in a good position.

I agree, dont interfere, try and focus on positives and let his life unfold. Just offer support.

Best wishes x

Sounds like how DH and I started out, 23 years ago. Except we were younger and more broke.
Don't meddle and become that MIL. You will lose if you choose that path.
My MIL took my DH ring shopping and supported us (emotionally). Wonderful woman.

He's an adult. You are being overbearing. Trust that if you parented adequately, your son is equipped to adult without you sticking your nose in and offering unsolicited advice.

My husband decided to propose within a year aged 23 and we’ve been married 15 years.

If you ask him why, he says he knew what he wanted and didn’t see the point in waiting.

So why isn’t fiance wearing the ring if he popped the Q last wee

I literally made an account to comment this because you need to hear it.

My husband proposed to me without telling anyone. He’d been planning the proposal for a while, and planned to tell people ahead of time. We had a hard week. A lot of loss and bereavement. And suddenly it blurted out. We’ve been married about three years now, just bought our own house, rescued a dog.

My MIL did not react well. There was lots of pointed comments about how we intended to marry, because like everyone else in their mid-twenties these days we couldn’t afford a big wedding, so we had a tiny wedding to avoid credit card debt. Arguments about us not providing three course sit down meals and dancing. It ended in her refusing to come to our wedding (she no-showed the dinner the night before, leaving empty seats opposite my husband where she was meant to be). We haven’t spoken to her since. There was a lot of pain and awkwardness.

We didn’t do things the way she thought they should be done. And she just wouldn’t adapt, wouldn’t let go. I tried communication and it went nowhere back then. I still wish it could have been different and she could have seen the beautiful home we’ve bought and made, helped my husband through my diagnosis of illness, met our adorable little dog. She refused to acknowledge that time, culture, society, cost-of-living has all impacted the “done thing”.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. And I hope you heed this warning.

If he’s going to get married and move out I would suggest you stop doing his laundry! It’s fine that he still lives in home to save money but he needs to know how to pull his weight before he moves in with his fiance so she doesn’t end up being more of a mother than a wife doing all of the housework for him.

Are they actually planning a wedding? They must also be aware of their own finances so if they cant afford it, im sure they also know. Just because they have got engaged, it doesnt mean they are actively planning a wedding.

I got engaged when I was at uni, looking back we were kids playing at having a grown up relationship, but it was nice :) we never actively planned a wedding or set a date, was just nice to be engaged.

We drifted apart after graduation and eventually split up.

My concerns would be. How much is he earning from this tutoring given it's part time-where are they going to live. That's about it

If he's 25 years old and expects his fiancee to do his laundry and put it away for him like his Mum (that's how you found the ring, right? And the receipt, it would seem), then she may be throwing him back before long... I hope young women aren't putting up with that sort of thing these days...

Don't think it's going to be quite as easy as moving up north and renting. Landlords often want to see a month's deposit and some will ask that you earn a certain amount every month before they'll even consider you.