AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

I'm amazed that any parent would expect to be told about a proposal in advance. I can't see what it would achieve.

If he keeps doing naughty things like this, maybe put fewer sugary snacks in his lunchbox. I was amazed how much difference it made to my children's ability to concentrate and make good decisions.

Should he have asked your permission to get engaged? He is 25yrs of age, it's his life and he can make his own decisions. If it doesn't work out, you will be there for him, if it does, even better. Dont dare talk to his girlfriend, you could cause so much upset Be happy for them, or you could end up losing him...

Agree, no one wants to marry a man who thinks he has to ask his mum before he proposes.

If they struggle financially they will have to figure it out, most people had to when they were young.

One of my friend's son went on holiday to the US and got married in Vegas to a girl he had only been messaging up until then, that was a bit much. The marriage didn't last long.

Re His finances - regarding coaching fees - learn a few days ago cost for coach per hour for A level economics is £75 - this is London and I will be paying! So his finances may be very good!

He's 25!! Yes -it would have been nice for him to mention it - but do not in any way discuss it with his fiancee!

My husband asked my mum and dad permission then didn't tell anyone else, including his own parents - who were thrilled for us.

Do you know what her financial situation is?

He did not have to tell you first, how did you find the ring? Why on earth do you want to talk to the girl? Mind your own business. Hes not a child.

I suspect that the OP is concerned because this is her son's first relationship and he might not actually be 'in love'. He has nothing to compare his current feelings with, as he's never been in a relationship before.

Having said all of the above...the son is 25, and if marrying his girlfriend does turn out to be a huge mistake, then it's his mistake and he'll need to learn from it.

No one can protect their children forever. They have to live their life, and yes that might mean making mistakes along the way.

On the other hand, the relationship might go from strength to strength, proving she is definitely his 'one'.

My upcoming wedding cost £155 to book and all in all (clothes, lunch after etc) will be costing less than a grand. Maybe he’s planning something similarly low key?

For heaven's sake, he's 25, not 15! This is a decision entirely between him and his girlfriend. Back in the late 60s DH and I married straight after graduation, when I was 22 and he was 21. We had our 2 children by our mid-20s and are still happily married.

My husband was 25 when he proposed to me, his first relationship, and we are still together 15 years later. Don’t think I would have said yes if he needed
to get permission from his mum first

He’s a big boy - don’t meddle, especially don’t speak to the girl unless it’s just congratulations!

I know a couple who married straight after graduation too . . . both 21, both in a first relationship, both with student debt. They now own a lovely house (bought entirely through their own hard work ~ no family help or inheritance) and have adult & teenage children. They are a lovely family

Ignore all the comments except yours? 🤣

unless they are planning on living with you and being financially supported by you, it’s none of your business. So what if they don’t have much money? Who does in their twenties?! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You need to take a big step back from your son’s life.

People are giving you a hard time here, OP. It's a mixture of feelings and concerns though that have been dumped on you all at once. I know how you feel, because my son did this too (and he was much older). We were confused, and I'll confess, a bit hurt. Sounds ridiculous, I know, dont shoot me Mumsnet! Siblings and other close fam and friends felt similar (sisters were bloody furious) and you know what? We had all missed out on that delicious anticipatory stage of that kind of will they / won't they stage preceding the engagement of a loved one. We all love that, come on. Your son missed a trick there, everyone did. So sorry, OP, but I agree with PPs here: get celebrating, get together with future dil and parents and go from there. Congrats and good luck.

Unless you're going to come back and tell us that there's some cultural and/or religious aspects at play here you are being very unreasonable. As long as it's legal and he is not asking you to contribute resources he is free to make his own choices regardless of what his family think.

Sorry, but why does he need to tell you? It's his life.

It’s his life.

As for being his first girlfriend, my brother didn’t meet his first girlfriend until he was 24. They got married and are still together in their fifties. They have a great relationship.

You are not sure what to say to the girlfriend?
I think you mean fiancee.
And what you say is this...
"Congratulations. Im very happy for you both. Let me know if either of you need anything. Its a joy to see my son happy".

Other than that, it aint your business.

Sorry gang the Op didnt bother posting again since 10am this morning how bloody annoying

But she could be some harlot luring the posters son into a relationship with her feminine wiles and his mother needs to ensure this isn't so.