AIBU to be worried son proposed without telling us and lacks finances?

[OneOliveDeer]

My son is 25 years old and since graduating from University two years ago has been doing online tutoring.
He has been dating a girl who will soon be graduating too and is madly in love with the girl.
He bought an engagement ring worth £650 immediately he started working part time and I only found it accidentally.
He just announced to us that he proposed to the girlfriend a week ago and she accepted.
I was shocked that he proposed without informing us and I am worried that he is not ready financially yet. It is his first relationship, so that makes me even more worried. He says he is ready and plans to wed in the next one year. I want to talk with the girlfriend but not sure what to say. I’m I being unreasonable to think that he was supposed to inform us and that he isn’t ready yet?

@cupfinalchaos
Ignore the comments op. You don’t stop caring and worrying about adult children. I would definitely talk it through with him and ask him what his plans are re work, finance etc. Whatever anyone says here it’s a normal conversation to have with your parents at any age!

At the behest of the young person, not at the mum's insistence.

Also, not as a sign-off to the proposal to the future spouse, and certainly not before it.

I'd have this conversation with any of my kids, certainly, if they asked for my thoughts. What I wouldn't do is get all antsy because I hadn't been consulted. Because if it's any of my business at all, it's only to the extent that the offspring chooses. And that might be not at all.

My husband proposed age 20 when we were both students and had known each other for less than a year. He wasn't working and spent his life savings on my ring. His parents were delighted and we've been together 30 years now.

He's 25??!!!

@OneOliveDeer

I think this previous post is key:

Is he living with her now? Or does he live with you?
What are you worried about? That they'll expect to live with you? Expect you to pay for the wedding? Have children fast and expect you to provide childcare?

Does your ds live at home / in a shared flat? If at home does he contribute financially to your household or are you supporting him? Does his dgf live in a flat /student accommodation? What are her / their living plans once she graduates?

Re worrying about him not being ready financially - firstly, a wedding doesn't have to cost much at all. Nobody has to have a party, a special dress, a ring, a honeymoon etc etc. But it sounds like you're more worried about finances once he's married. Why would that be a problem? Living with someone and sharing bills is cheaper than living alone. His wife would also be earning, and maybe more than your son. Men quite rightly aren't expected to be the breadwinners any more.

You ‘only found it accidentally’.

Supposed to inform you…

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

I was 25 when I got engaged and I didn’t feel even slightly too young. I had my first baby at 28 and had ‘geriatric mother’ on my notes.

It doesn’t look like @OneOliveDeer is coming back but it is really relevant if the DS is living at home, paying not much rent and has yet to launch. If he is intending to move his wife into the family home then it’s absolutely his parents business. However it’s a great opportunity to push him out of the nest ‘how wonderful, you’ll have to start looking for somewhere to rent together’ Hopefully they will fly!

😂

At 25 - I’d been married for 5 years, been living in my house I purchased with finance / then husband for 6 years… had a disabled 3 year old that needed 24/7 care due to needs… totally independent from my parents and taking care of my little family including a lovely little cat!!!

he’s 25 - wind it in - he’s not a baby - it’s his life - let him live it as he sees fit.

The OP reads strangely? AI.?

Wow! Your sound like you're going to be a fun MIL..... 😂😂😂

I was 28 and had the 'geriatric mother' notes too. And I got married at 22 and didn't feel too young. Our finances were dreadful and it just didn't matter then. We were very happy.

I think it's very common not to tell your parents you're going to propose beforehand.

I know many people who married in their mid 20s and are still happily married decades later.

I also know people who got married without having much money.

He's an adult. Be happy he's found a partner.

Thank you for this brilliant idea and thank you mumnetters for your input and for helping give my head a wobble.
I guess I just have to cut the strings and be happy for them.

Thank you @Catnanna. I went into his room to leave some laundry and found it on the chest of drawers.
I can now see clearly that I’m being over protective and expecting too much. I will back off as advised. I just wanted to speak to the fiancé to hear what the plan is and her perspective.

no you didn't. Or someone made a mistake. Geriatric pregnancy is 35 or older.

I definitely did.

What would you think if he proposed with a 6000 ring? 😱 . Grounded to his room for life?

@Kettless, many thanks. The plan is for them to rent when they get married but it would be a good idea as you have mentioned for him to rent by himself alone. He has always wanted to rent but we advised him to stay with us and save up before moving out.

I married my dh when he was 24 and I was 22. We bought a london flat 4 years after marrying, having saved £60k in 3 years as we lived with MIL. We didn't have a wedding, just went to the registry office.

We didnt have money when we married either. A lot of mumsnetters would probably disapprove and we were from different countries so it was that or do long distance/break up. We are still happily married 10 years on and have a 8 month old son.

30 or over where I’m from - 28 with first and 32 with second and only mentioned with second

Views of course differ, but IMV 25 is quite young to look to get married and I would be somewhat concerned if my kids were looking to do this. I also think it is quite legitimate to ask questions such as how you will find yourselves and what does any wedding look like? We cannot and should not control our children, but we can feel nervous for them?

My worry about finances is for the wedding and living expenses thereafter. I have had conversations with him regarding their plans and he has explained they will move North where it is cheaper to rent and as he work from anywhere, this won’t affect his earnings. Thank you for your kind words and advise

Is this AI?

They have been dating for two years and DS lives at home with us. I have met her 3 times and she’s a nice person. She lives two hours away, so DS travels to meet her on day visits as she is at Uni.