to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

[OldPossumsPracticalCats]

My friend asked to borrow my baby’s play gym when my first wasn’t using it anymore. I said that was fine, but I would want it back for a second child. I am now expecting my second soon, so I asked for it back. When it was returned, it looked like it had been really badly treated. The mat is stained, some pieces are missing, the sensory cards are bent or gone, and the guide booklet has gone as well.

It was immaculate when I handed it over; all the parts were there, the fabrics weren’t stained. It was used every day for about seven months by my first, and intermittently until about ten months when my friend asked for it, and I had a refluxy baby who played hard with it, and it’s suitable from newborn so it’s not as if it has lots of tiny parts that are easy to lose.

It sounds petty but I cried when I saw it and wish I hadn’t lent it. Obviously I can’t go back in time but would I be unreasonable to ask for a replacement for the mat for my new baby? She didn’t mention the condition when she dropped it off, just thanked me again for it so I don’t know if she’s just hoping I don’t mention it because she must know that it’s not in remotely the same condition as when I lent it.

You would have to be a massive CF to hand it back in that condition and not say anything. Not sure why people are defending them like that’s acceptable, it’s clearly not. If she couldn’t look after it she shouldn’t have borrowed it, I think you are well within your rights to ask her to replace it.

She probably assumed you'd given it to her. Babies do ruin things. I'd just bin it and buy another cheap one.

I also think your friend was a bit cheeky and mean asking to borrow it. Why didn't she just buy one herself? They are not particularly expensive.

Doesn’t sound like baby damage!

I'm going to repeat what I wrote earlier to another PP

"Have you read the thread?

To summarize . . .

This was an expensive (£140) Lovevery baby gym which was purchased for the OP's first child with the help of grandparents

Her friend asked to borrow it and has just returned it with a nasty stain on the mat, many of the attachments are missing, cards are bent and the play guide is also missing

Understandably OP is very upset that a much loved item which she was looking forward to using with her new baby is stained and most of the attachments are missing or bent"

JL sell them for £130 so I'm surprised if a Vinted seller would get £90 for a second hand one.

Although it's a lot of money, you can get similar ones a lot cheaper.

I just think that if you lend something- anything - to a baby or a kid for more than a week or two you have to accept that you might not see it again in its proper state/working order. Possible damage does along with play and usage where babies and young children are concerned. Given that you probably lent it for what, a year (?) I do think you’re being unreasonable. And your friend wasn’t to know that you’d spent £150 on it when most half decent ones only cost £50.

But I mean, of the dozens of things new parents have to juggle and deal with, keeping a play gym “stain free” and baby flash cards “not bent” is hardly a priority for parents trying to pay the bills and keep their sanity is it? I don’t think the friend is without blame and perhaps should have done better at keeping it in good nick but it all seems a bit much. At the end of the day you can’t really “lend” items to other babies/children. You give it away or don’t give it.

Some here clearly have the same morals as the CF friend 😬🤦‍♂️

I think she should have offered to buy you a new one instead of returning it in that state but in all honesty I wouldn’t ask her to buy you a new one . It’s not really worth the hassle and awkwardness in my opinion but that’s just me

alot of people are just skanky. they don't care about the condition of something . My kids are green now, but i only gave things to other people when I knew i was done with them.

While your friend should obviously not have returned a damaged borrowed item to you, you may want to think about whether or not you want your baby to use a play gym as occupational therapists warn against them. Apparently it is far better to place your baby on a mat on the floor with no added equipment as you don't want your baby staring in a fixed position

So unacceptable OP. I would have been so mortified as your friend in this situation is have bought a brand new one and given it to you with a big apology that the original got ruined.

Have you ever watched Emma Hubbard on YouTube? She is a Paediatric Occupational Therapist and is extremely pro using baby gyms. If you look at her videos about the best toys for young babies, baby gyms are her first recommendation

And if you look at her recent video
3 Essential Steps To Help Avoid Developmental Delays From a Pediatric OT
you will see the different positions she recommends, tummy, back and alternating sides

Play gyms like the Lovevery one are designed so that baby has different activities for the different positions you put them in and most baby gyms have movable items so that baby has different things to look at, reach for etc

YANBU OP - I would be mortified to hand something back in that condition especially when she knows how expensive it was ! When I was pregnant with my first I was offered lots of things to lend and I always refused them as I’m known to lose things and didn’t want to have to stress about remembering who gave what when.

I can’t believe she didn’t even mention it when she dropped it off which is beyond rude.

I do think there is an emotional attachment as you have such fond memories of your eldest playing on the Mat and I do completly understand you wanting that for your second. Just want to reassure you even if you don’t get all the bits back, your youngest will have a sibling to keep them entertained which they will I’m sure no doubt find far more interesting than a playmat no matter how many bells and whistles it has.

I do thjnk friend should contribute / pay for replacement parts if not pay for a whole new Mat

I had a similar situation and my dp collected the item and it was mouldy where they had left it in their outhouse. I could have cried. She did apologise but I learnt from it. It wasn’t the only level of disrespect in the friendship I eventually realised.,

That is a life lesson right there.
Ask for the money and u will ruin the friendship.
Forget about it and don't lend stuff that is important to you.

Agreed.

I've said elsewhere on the board that my mum was guilted into lending her SIL-to-be her wedding outfit.

The dress came back with armpit stains and the veil with a cigarette burn (the SIL had smoked throughout the reception).

I was a toddler at the time, and I'm certain that the SIL knew that the dress was wanted for me.

Years later, the SIL asked to borrow the veil and headdress for one of her relatives. They were never returned. I was a teenager when that happened and annoyed. Mum said that she'd never felt the same way about the outfit after it was returned in poor condition - she'd thrown out the dress.

No, it is relevant if the OP feels she needs to replace the gym and can’t afford a Lovevery one.

I would use this as a lesson not to lend things again.

It might sound petty but I only ever lend things to Ds2 as he always returns things as he was lent them.

If anyone else asks to borrow something from me I only let them have things im not bothered about getting back, so from my POV I'm not expecting to see it back again.

At first I found it hard to say no but you soon learn!

The OP’s friend asked if she could borrow it and OP agreed out of the kindness of her own heart. If the so called friend is going to be that pushy then the least she could do is treat the item with a bit of respect or replace the missing items.

You talk about the onus being on the OP preserving the ‘friendship’, but the person who borrowed the baby gym doesn’t sound like much of a friend anyway.

Theres a lot of inverse snobbery on this thread. People quite often have one or two special items. It doesn’t automatically mean they are unreasonably extravagant.

I agree. Op said her dc1 used it daily, which is under a £1 a day if they kept it until past 6 months. We don't know what other things they had - maybe far less than other babies because OP felt a lot was built-in to this item.

But really that cost is so much not the point. In fact, the more it cost, the more generous she was to lend it. Just because she was more generous than I'd necessarily have been, I'm not going to give her a hard time for that ...

None of it changes the fact the toy should have been respected and returned in good order, or an apology (at least) should have been made.

What did she reply?

I also think there is a lot of focus on this thread about how people should learn to say no when someone asks to borrow something, but perhaps the best advice is that people shouldn't ASK to borrow unless prepared to undertake to replace the item if something happens.

I think this is so true . . . it's really difficult when people ask and you have to make a snap decision

It happens to me often with books, not expensive admittedly, but I do wish people wouldn't ask to borrow them as I rarely get books back