To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

lol, no Brits are not all “low key alcoholics” are you normally this racist? Most Brits have a very good relationship with alcohol. Much more so than cultures who can’t seem to trust themselves round it so either outright ban it for some outdated reason or make it taboo (used to love a taboo and lemonade.

Drinking is part of British culture, if you don’t like it jog on and take your racism elsewhere, it’s disgusting

Interesting dilemma. I used to be a wedding coordinator. I think it’s your wedding, your choice. I once ran a vegan wedding where all the food and drinks for every guest had to be vegan. Some religions don’t allow alcohol, so it’s definitely not unheard of to have alcohol free events. I would, however ensure that guests are warned in advance. This will prevent the surprise/disappointment on the day from being a cause of conflict. It will also enable anyone who is really averse to going alcohol-free to either decline the invitation or bring their own secret stash (sad but true). This means you probably need to have an explanation ready when people inevitably ask why.

🙄 Ridiculous.

I think this 100%.

Im not a big drinker either, but I wouldn t host a traditional wedding without alcohol. Part of the wedding is catering to guests and what they would like.

What if it was acid, a laser show and Pink Floyd on repeat?

I think some of the suggestions here around changing the format a bit is a good idea.

The main question is how many of your guests don’t drink at all? Then make sure everyone knows.

Your husband is at a really tough stage at being sober. He will still be missing drinking and at heart he too will feel that an event without alcohol is worse.My husband felt that I would say for the first 4 years.

I would prioritise how your husband will feel if it feels traditional but flat.

15 years in and we both prefer not drinking to an event genuinely in our heart. We tend to leave a little early as people get repetitive and a bit boring when rotten although if music and dancing starts I will stay as now love a sober dance and have done ceilidh dances sober.

We have booze in the house for visitors and often have house parties with booze and that’s all fine now.

In the first 4 years we did but my husband was secretly offended when people snuck off to go crazy with an after party. Nowadays most stay at ours for drinks then go on coffee and then go home to bed as most of our mates drink a lot less (late 40s).

Think about something to mix it up a bit like a ceilidh dance with a caller or a really lavish evening pudding selection or rope some close friends and family in to start the dancing. Or have a music intro quiz with great prizes to start the dancing bit.

We asked for favourite song on the return invite which helps oil the dancing as people get up for their song.

I would also try to confide in a person on each table with a safe story about why no drinks to dim speculation.

Then do good alcohol free - erdinger and Guinness zero are very good then a peroni zero. Mixed cans of gin and tonic are good and crodini which is an alc free kind of Pimm’s. Do an alc free menu which is visible. This will honestly help a lot! Some people
want a bottle in their hand.

Good luck, he’s at a tough stage but it’s key to give your wedding another talking point other than the lack of booze.

Think llama petting, bonkers bingo, one of those spinning Photo Booth cameras, even a bucking bronco 😂

Have a wonderful wedding!

Mobile golf driving range? Something to build competition with the men for distraction. You will find most women will dance anyway but think about something novelty and competitive for the men. Mobile darts game? Anything you do like games or a quiz needs someone running it who can coral people into joining in. Gaming van? Only you know what the most boozy people would like

Ha ha- can't believe this thread is almost full. Having read all 40 pages, I can conclude there is no consensus but I think the "in the middle" people who are "it's fine but adjust the format" are probably right. People who say "I don't drink and I enjoy weddings" are forgetting that there's a well documented social contagion effect whereby just being around other people who are livelier and more disinhibited than usual makes you more lively and disinhibited too, so even though you're SCS you're more likely to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, act a bit silly or dance than you would be if no-one at all is drinking. If no alcohol then OP just needs something else to help create social connections(prob not dancing as that's risky for reasons mentioned many times) but shifting to afternoon format with garden games etc. seems a good idea.

However, this does seem like it is mainly family which I think makes the AF format easier than if it's mainly friends because most people will know at least half the people in the room.

Do you miss out details in the second half of most phrases frequently?

Might be worth seeing your GP.

I love how other cultures must have their traditions respected but British people, who are highly tolerant of the traditions of other cultures, can be insulted openly and rudely for theirs. Suddenly their traditions are due to a moral failing that runs through the entire nation. It is the cultural norm in the UK to offer alcohol at weddings and many other types of party or celebratory event. Insert any other nationality here for British and then perhaps you will be able to see how racist you are.

It isn't ridiculous, it absolutely highlights how adults should not impose their lifestyle/addiction needs on their guests.

The op has said he can be around booze, they offer it to others at Christmas etc so what on earth is the point of making such a big drama where everyone is going to be treated like kids and thinking wtf.

Gosh some of these comments! It’s your wedding day and your choice and guests should respect that.
I like a glass of wine at a wedding to help with a little social anxiety but if I was told in advance there’d be no alcohol served then of course I’d still go! You may end up saving guests money so they can drive rather than booking taxis.
You sound lovely OP and I wish your future husband lots of luck with his recovery.

You are right here as we haven’t drank for 15 years and are fine socialising with people that are sober or people that are drunk but people that normally drink but can’t due to driving or forced dry events are a right ballache. They often dont know how to have fun if not drinking and feel a little resentful (no judgement). Best scenario is those people have a few drinks, if not you have to cater in some way for these people.

So they need to work out who these people will be and specifically cater to them with someone running this entertainment (lawn games won’t cut it). Competitive is key, look to day entertainment at good corporate events or what they do in spare time.Golf, gaming, quiz….

Agree with this, definitely let people know as some may prefer to drive if they know there is no alcohol.

They’re getting it perfectly

No sexist cliches here eh.

Your wedding, your choice, but if you’re expecting wedding gifts then you do need to tell your guests in advance and give them the option to not attend.

DH is in his 70’s and over 30yrs sober. We rarely go to a pub unless it’s for a meal with others but he’s ok being around people who are drinking.

We met 25 years ago and got married 15 yrs ago but didn’t make it a dry wedding as we both think that dictating what others do is a step too far.

This is so depressing.

Not share the most special day of your lives as a couple with loved ones, just because of ALCOHOL?

I'm also in recovery. It sucks. Other drug users are encouraged to avoid people and places where their drug of choice is dealt/used whereas we just have to suck it up. On TV, in stores... It's crammed into every special occasion... On the end of every aisle in the supermarket in the summer and at Xmas. Even birthday cards. We just have to get on with it. If people have that much of an issue with going to a tee total wedding it's then that has a bloody drinking problem!

15 years is quite differnt from 18m though isn’t it.

and to be fair it doesn’t really matter. It’s his wedding and he wants it his way.

shouldn’t matter what others want. Whether that’s alcohol or something else.

it’s one evening. If people are that desperate to have a drink then they can drink the other 6 evenings. If they can’t have fun without a drink then that’s a them problem!

@PopItStarI've changed my mind and think you should warn people. Just so you don’t get selfish moany people attending your wedding, and only the ones that love support and respect you attend.

have a great wedding!

I disagree with this.

Just because you can be around drunk people without drinking doesn't mean you enjoy it.

I CAN spend a night at the pub til closing time but I leave when people start slurring and repeating themselves because it's at that point I am having a very different time to everyone else.

I don't think it's unreasonable at your own wedding to not have to deal with that.

I think most people prefer a drink but can cope without it. They might enjoy the wedding less but would still go.

The worrying ones on here are the ones who cannot enjoy an event without alcohol, to the extent they would refuse to go a close friend’s dry wedding. It is part of an unhealthy drinking culture and mentality; they are too much in denial to see it. They can’t see how extreme their attitude is. Maybe they are surrounded by people like them, who don’t know how to enjoy themselves without alcohol, so they have not developed the skills to participate in dry social events.

No-one goes to a wedding just to get drunk
Are you a teenager?

The extreme views on this thread are ridiculous and full of hyperbole.

As someone who enjoys wine but is often the driver, I have been to a few weddings and not had a drink. It isn't the end of the world to not drink. Although I completely understand that when you're in a room full of stranger, having a drink or two does make socialising easier.

I do feel, however, that the evening will probably end earlier than you anticipate. The suggestion upthread about the bar being able to sell alcohol once the bride and groom have left is a good one, but I expect many people will have left by then.

I also agree that people don't drink non alcoholic drinks at the same pace as alcohol. I was trying unsuccessfully to make this point earlier.

I agree we have an unhealthy drinking culture and it will be impossible to change that quickly. But there does seem to be a gradual change happening with younger generations not drinking as much. Maybe in time, alcohol free weddings, parties, holidays, events etc won't be seen as odd any more.

Yes, as I mentioned before (which attracted some frothing!), the next generation have a more balanced approach to alcohol I think. Which can only be good for everyone.

Anyway OP, do warn people and then have the dry wedding of your choice. The ones with an unhealthy attitude to alcohol (like some on here) may not attend. But you can celebrate with those who value you the most. Congrats!