To stick with an alcohol free wedding even if some people think it’s odd?

[PopItStar]

Hi all. Slightly nervous posting as I read MN loads but don’t start threads much.

DP and I are getting married later this year. Nothing massive, about 70ish people, family and close friends mostly. We’re trying to keep it fairly simple and low key rather than a huge big production.

One thing we decided quite early on was that the wedding would be alcohol free. Properly alcohol free, not just limited drinks or whatever.

The reason is DP is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for about 18 months now and has done really, really well. It hasn’t always been easy but he’s worked incredibly hard and life is just better all round now. Calmer, happier, all of that.

Before anyone suggests it, yes he’s completely on board with the idea. It was actually him who first said maybe we should just not have alcohol there at all. I agreed pretty quickly.

Also for context I don’t drink either. I barely drank anyway before all this, maybe the odd glass at a wedding or Christmas but that was about it. So giving it up wasn’t a big dramatic thing for me and I genuinely don’t miss it.

We were planning nice alcohol free cocktails, good food, music, the usual wedding things just without wine and prosecco etc.

Anyway I was chatting to a friend yesterday about the plans and mentioned the alcohol free bit. She doesn’t know about DP’s history.

Her reaction was basically “you can’t have a wedding without alcohol, people will expect it”. She said people might think it’s a bit strange or leave early if there’s no bar. She also suggested we could at least do wine with the meal or something.

I sort of laughed it off at the time but it’s been niggling at me since.

Part of me thinks it’s our wedding and surely adults can cope for one afternoon and evening without a drink. And if it helps DP feel completely relaxed on the day then that matters more than someone missing a glass of prosecco.

But equally I don’t want people thinking we’re being weird or tight or something when that’s not the reason at all.

We’re not planning on explaining DP’s situation to everyone either as that feels like his business.

So AIBU to stick with the alcohol free wedding and just leave it at that? Or should we reconsider having at least something available?

Just, please, have non-sugary sweet 'mocktails' and drinks.

I would drink water (which would be OK) rather than Elderflower

I thought the same thing.
I was also thinking can you dictate to a licensed premise that they can't serve alcohol? (if indeed that's the type of venue it is)
OP, you and your partner should have the day exactly how you want it.

Your comment does shownhow bad out culture and society is with alcohol.

We are an international embarrassment with alcohol culture for a reason I suppose.

If anyone has an issue with a groom, with a recent history of alcohol problems, having an alcohol free wedding they shouldn’t be there.

I think 18months in recovery is amazing... Well done to him! I think it is right to support your husband and go for an alcohol free wedding. But as previous posters have suggested, I would mention it so you so not have people asking the waiting/bar staff continuously or coming up to you.
I will also say, be prepared for the atmosphere to be more low key. I went to a wedding which was on a Monday, most people never drunk as they had work the next day. The dance floor was empty apart from the bride and a couple of others, which was really sad as the band was fantastic.

I think you should make it clear on the invite that its alcohol free, thwn everyone that accepts knows. Those that dont want to come can say no and make up an excuse.

Again that says far more about your relationship with alcohol than anything else

You need to let people know in advance, otherwise you’ll get bombarded with questions on the day.

it is unusual, but absolutely fine to have an alcohol free wedding.

if I went to a wedding with no alcoholic I’d be happy to be there.
I would expect alcohol to be served at a wedding and would be very surprised if none was available on the day. If I knew in advance that would be no problem! Surprising people on the day is probably asking for trouble.

Completely reasonable, have a lovely day. 🌺

I’d be fine with it, but would prefer to know in advance. We would usually enjoy a few drinks at a wedding and make travel plans (sometimes convoluted) appropriately. Best to let guests know in advance so they’re not needing to book unnecessary hotels or taxis.

I don't drink alcohol at all however I would not impose my teetotal choices on anyone attending a celebration of mine. I think it's far too much to expect guests not to have a drink at a wedding of all things!

It smacks to me of controlling what others do in order to protect one person. That person (your DP) is going to have to accept functions and gatherings etc. where alcohol is served. It is part of the recovery process I'd imagine, to not drink even in places where it is available.

If you are determined not to have alcohol, then I'd elope just the two of you. Seriously. People will up and leave after the dinner. Even as a non drinker I know and actually enjoy the fun that happens when people have a few drinks and get up to dance. I know it can be done without alcohol, but come on..... it's a wedding, people will be bored and will be restless, and probably can't wait to escape down the road to the nearest pub!

That's the reality. I think anyway.

Weddings equal alcohol to me in the UK I wonder if people would take hip flasks or nip to their roons for alcohol if there was a total ban.

I completely understand the rationale. I have also been to an alcohol free wedding (muslim wedding) which included speeches, dancing, great food etc. As it’s not part of your culture and you are breaking with established norms for your culture, your friends, I would think about a few things. Are you having a big wedding, lots of acquaintances or close friends and family only? Ideally, you’d be able to tell those attending the reason, and tell them in advance to avoid people speculating on the day. I’d also think about the format of the day - are people going to get up and dance and stay until midnight? You’ll need to entertain them in a slightly different way as rightly or wrongly alcohol is part of the entertainment at a lot of weddings. What about a ceilidh or something like that? Or an earlier ceremony -morning followed by lunch and speeches? I think doing everything but booze might not work so well and would change up the format / focus my day on close family and friends in your shoes.

Please please stick to you guns. If anyone has a problem with it be a "dry" wedding they are not your friend and don't deserve a place at your table. People that love and care for you will support you all the way.
Make sure there is a great range of hot and cold drinks and absolutely no alcohol free wines, lagers or ciders available and make sure folk know they are not allowed to bring these along either.

If its a room over a pub or in a hotel next to the hotel bar people WILL go to the bar for a drink (to drink it there) , just as smokers congregate outside and form a temporary sub social group outside at many events. And it can be quite noticeable.

I agree you need to let people know in advance, mainly so they don’t kick off on the day when they get there and find there’s no alcohol. Some people seem (wrongly IMO) to think that you can’t have a good time without a drink, so heading any comments off before the wedding is probably a good idea.

This.
I rarely drink, so would absolutely not mind, but if I was invited to an alcohol free wedding with no context I would most likely judge the couple, as when hosting an event you are supposed to cater for your guests, not impose your preferences.
So, yes to alcohol free but think about what to say when people mention it.

It is not a teetotal "choice" it is a bloody necessity. Did you read why there will be no alcohol ?

If I was invited to an alcohol free wedding I probably wouldn't even notice because I don't drink myself 😂

If it was explicitly mentioned I'd be delighted that there might be a wider range of non alcoholic drinks than usual.

I might wonder if the wedding was alcohol free for religious, cultural or personal reasons but only through curiosity, not judgement. I know loads of tee-total people.

It's a difficult one. Ultimately it's your wedding and your choice, but if it was a typical wedding ie. Service, wedding breakfast then reception, most people would expect alcohol to be available. I would make sure you are explicit in your invitations that it will be an alcohol free wedding.
For me personally I wouldn't attend an alcohol free wedding that lasted into the evening as it would involve child care, possibly booking overnight accommodation/taxis/travel etc and I would be looking forward to having a few drinks.
I would attend an alcohol free wedding if it was an earlier event ie. Ending early afternoon whereby I could drive home afterwards.

I would have no issue with this, but I do think you need to be clear about the communication, if your guests are usually drinkers. You don't need to justify it but you do need to make clear that it isn't just that alcoholic drinks aren't provided but that they won't be sold. I have been to AF weddings and genuinely enjoyed them - much more chilled! - you might want to think about timings. Traditional British weddings have lots of waiting around, and that does drag if everyone is sober.

Completely fine, but it’s unusual unless people know you are of a religion which doesn’t drink or something similar.

So I agree with most others - mention it upfront on the invitations, “for personal reasons” is fine or say, if asked directly, that you want to make it a comfortable experience for people close to you who are recovering alcoholics. I think it would be very unreasonable of people to have a problem with this. But they might not understand it’s serious if you don’t address it head on.

I would assume that someone in the family was a recovering alcoholic or there were religious reasons and so would be perfectly happy about it.

I wouldn't ask any questions. It would be rude.

Plenty of cultures have alcohol free weddings.
In my 20s I’d have found it weird but okay, in my 40s it just isn’t an issue. You can still raise a glass with a mocktail.

i wish everyone would have the celebrations they want and not the ones they think they should have.

Did you read my post properly? I was referring to MY teetotal choice and not imposing it on others in any celebration I was hosting. You're welcome. 😊