AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

[Louisa80s]

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

I can't believe you even contemplate putting the odious boy before your child. I'm getting the feeling that this is about your feelings, not his.
Oh, and take up the bullying, because that's what it is, with the school asap.

I'd ask yourself how would you feel if this child invites 7 out of the 8 friends to his next party and leaves your son, and just your son out...

Bloody relieved, I'd imagine.

I think people are confused about which is which. I don't think you would be unreasonable for leaving the boy out that your child does not want at his party. Tricky yes, but if your son feels that strongly, then you must listen to him.

I don’t think this is hard at all. If my kids didn’t want to invite someone they wouldn’t be coming. If the shoe is on the other foot and they weren’t invited that’s something we have to deal with - whether by parental tactness (ie. Organising a trip) or upfront discussing the issue and exploring the whys.

If you are friends with the mother and she’s got her head in the sand I would give a heads up and whitelie it’s a numbers issue and you have family members coming. She can then do a tactful coordination to be busy if she pleases.

Stop people pleasing. You only have to manage your child’s emotions, not the others.

He has made his position clear and I would honour it.

At that age I let my children choose who they want to invite to their party resting easy in the knowledge that it’s nothing to do with my wishes.

I cant find it now, but someone asked what happened in previous years. DS has always invited all of the boys to every party he has had, without question. Only this year has he said no.
I'd say out of the group, they're the most opposite. DS is the quietest and this other boy is the loudest which I think is why their relationship is probably worse out of all of them.
I'm going to take the majority of the advice and back my son. School are aware of how my son feels so it's being monitored that side, and I think I'll bite the bullet and reach out to his mum to explain the situation as I know they'll hear about it before long. She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me, she will likely be devastated though which does make me feel a bad on her.
She did say to me a while back her son doesn't seem to have a really close relationship with any of the boys (most of them will go for 1 on 1 play dates with each other but hers isnt ever asked). She wasnt asking for my opinion, more just getting off her chest that she's worried why he never gets asked. I wish I'd have said something then, but I didn't want to speak on behalf of the other parents as it doesn't feel fair.
But we're all of the same opinion that this boy generally is just not very nice sometimes.

Respect your son's wishes. He even said he'd rather not have a party than invite the boy. He cannot be more clear that he does not want the boy to come.
It's tough on the other lad, but his actions have caused this. He will be OK.

That's because you haven't been clear what the voting means.

I voted YABU not to listen to your son because your post reads as if you want to invite this boy regardless of your son's feelings (which is bonkers!)

I think your son should be able to choose and it sounds like he has a good reason. It's not your responsibility, but I wonder if you could message the mum and explain? This could be a learning opportunity for her son and could improve how he behaves towards others if he realises the consequences. As hard as it would be to hear, I feel like I’d appreciate the context behind the lack of invite. I know some mums might be defensive, but others (myself included) would definitely be open to better understanding the social dynamics between my child and others, to help foster better relationships.

You could word it in a way that gives her son the benefit of the doubt, but let her know that you have to prioritise your son’s feelings but you didn't want it to go without explanation.

Except OP has said it's not actually bullying, just that this child has a 'boistrous personality'. Sounds more like a child struggling with something like ADHD than a bully.

I voted YABU because you seemed to be ignoring your son's wishes - then only afterwards saw the thread title. I am on your son's side, you shouldn't force him to invite someone who bullies him to the party.

I think the MN voting system is fatuous so have never used it. I read what people write. Old school.

if the child is going to behave like an arsehole then they’ll get treated like one. Do not gaslight your son into befriending and placating those who seek to bring him down and humiliate him. It’s life 101.

Do not reach out to the mum and explain. Seriously

This is crazy!
Ask yourself how you would feel if you told your mum you didn't want someone who is nasty to you at your party and she just rode roughshod over your feelings.

He has said he would rather NOT HAVE THE PARTY if this boy comes - it isn't just a minor feeling of dislike. Listen to your child.

Your son must come first OP.

It's crucial for his mental and emotional well-being, and his trust in you, that you honour his wish.

There may well be fall-out as a result - the boy may be unhappy/angry, the friendship group may split, there may be awkwardness or difficulty with the boy's mum, your son may be excluded from this boy's own party etc.

But any such collateral damage is far less important than your son standing up for himself and choosing the relationships he wants in his life. If you respect this, he'll be able to trust you with any relationship issues in the future. He needs you on his side.

I feel for the mum and the boy, and normally I'm all for inclusion, but your son has been crystal clear that inviting this boy is a no-go and you must support him: it's a reasonable boundary for him to establish. It is awkward and I can see how strongly you want to be kind to this boy, but your son's feelings really are the most important here.

I can't say that I do, no. We also aren't talking about someone who is a bit annoying, we're talking about someone who belittles and gets physical.

I wouldn't put up with that and wouldn't expect my child to either.

Trouble is that excluding will set you and him up for more problems

This thread might be useful!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5441096-kid-left-out-of-party-why

Well he’s about to learn how he impacts on other kids thanks to your brave son. Put his feelings first and let him enjoy his party. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for a bully that ruin childhoods and sometimes entire lives.

Or, it might end up doing good.

It might be that it's mostly the impact of parents keeping the friendship group together (with exactly the thinking that the OP presents in her op) and this may be the catalyst that changes the balance of power within the group.

No excuse, if he’s in mainstream education he needs to learn consequences to certain behaviours same as anyone else. It’s not op’s kids responsibility to shoulder another kids ‘boisterous personality’ or their adhd

I think your son is old enough to know his own mind and you should respect his wishes. This child is being actively unkind to him. He’s been spoken to repeatedly and his behaviour is affecting your son’s ability to participate in class.

Your son has said that having this boy there will ruin his party. So obviously you don’t invite him. Your son should be able to have his friends there without a boy who makes him feel unsafe.

OP also says in the very next comment that her child is so scared to be laughed at by this child that he doesn't even put his hand up in class.

It sounds like bullying to me.

Leave the boy out and if the parent asks why I would be honest with them. It is unfair to invite someone who treats your son so badly.