AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

[Louisa80s]

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

If the bully has had his bullying pointed out to him multiple times, his mother will know about it

No invitation can be easily explained

I'm really not sure what the issue is

Does your son understand how the friendship group dynamic might work out if he excludes that one boy? Could that end up doing more harm than good? If that’s a risk I think I’d explain that and err on the side of inviting them all - BUT say to your son that you’ll keep a very close eye on the boy and will make sure your son doesn’t have to be with him in a smaller group at the party or for the food.

My concern otherwise would be that in allowing son to leave the boy out, it would make things much worse for him at school.

There’s a girl like this in my daughters class and I Never invite her neither do the other mums, my daughter would hate it

it’s your child’s birthday so they get to choose who comes I’d say x

Have you raised these incidents with the school? Have you spoken to the boys mum about it? As otherwise, it’ll probably come as a shock when he’s the only boy in their group who isn’t invited. I’d also worry, if he’s already cruel to your DS, could he escalate that after being singled out. It’s hard though as I agree with others, if he feels that strongly about him not being there he clearly isn’t a friend to him and shouldn’t go. Really difficult situation, I feel for you OP!
Would you feel comfortable reaching out to his mum about these behaviours at school thus why he’s not been invited?

I think you need to listen to your DS.

Listen to your child.

Ok, then it's your call really. I personally wouldn't leave someone out at that age, as it's pretty nasty/exclusionary. I'd be more inclined to have a chat with his mum and explain the situation and ask her perhaps to come along too as a "helper" so that she could ensure your child didn't have to deal with any bad behaviour from her child.

I'd ask yourself how would you feel if this child invites 7 out of the 8 friends to his next party and leaves your son, and just your son out...

You need to listen to your son, he doesn't want this child there for valid reasons.

I think there is a chance that the friendship group might split, the boy might try and turn the others against your son, and he might get accused of bullying by leaving the boy out.

Not saying its the right thing to invite him, sometimes I think a point needs to be made, but I think at 9 I'd be talking through the possible consequences and making sure he understands these before making a final decision.

I'm not sure I'd have the confidence to do this, but think the right thing to do would be to give the mum a heads up and explain the reason, if you're friends

Listen to your son. At the same age I made the mistake of inviting the kid my daughter didn’t want there. She ruined the party, bullied my dd in her own home and made her feel awful. The bullying just got way worse after the party and it all ended very badly. Trust your son and back him up. Show him his feelings come first. And it sounds like this kids mum needs a reality check. I would be honest with her about why he’s not invited.

Problem is, for all everyone says ‘would you have someone like this at your party’ we do, don’t we?

I have a couple of ‘groups’ of friends where to be honest there are a couple of people I’m not all that keen on. One from my NCT group, who is dour and miserable and one from a previous job who is loud and irritating. Leaving them out of an event the rest of the group are invited to would be so pointed and so rude that it would be unlikely to go down well with others in the group.

That is the main problem I can see with this; that it makes the others’ attendance uncomfortable.

I don’t know what I’d do. I do think it’s a difficult situation and not as straightforward as not inviting the child, though.

Stop framing it as he isn't invited - instead the boys he does want are the ones he chose to invite. All the other kids in the class weren't on the list - not a case of one singled out and not invited. Listen to your son and maybe it will make the boy teasing him have a think about his behaviour.

Why are you putting a bully’s feelings before your own child’s?

This is utterly bizarre

Your son definitely shouldn't be forced to invite someone he doesn't get on with to his own birthday party just to 'keep up appearances'! Especially someone who has been so unkind to him.

However i do think if the friendship group is that 'tight knit' excluding one boy is unfair...not condoning the behaviours towards your son, but he is a child after all and you don't know what he is going/has been through or if he has SEN.At 9 it would really sting and be noticed by him if he was the only one not invited, as they would all be chatting about it before and after etc.

Maybe DS could choose say his top 5 out of that group? Surely there are some he is closer to than others....

It's pretty nasty to belittle someone and to assault them. Bullies will never do better when they are being pandered to. The OP needs to protect her child or she is failing him.

I think it’s great that your son is learning to set boundaries and deciding what behaviours he won’t tolerate from others. I wouldn’t override that and potentially ruin his birthday just for the sake of keeping the peace.

I genuinely wouldn’t have someone I didn’t like along to a celebration. I’m surprised to hear people do as adults. I’m not antisocial- I have more friends than I have the time/social battery to keep up with but there’s no way I’m socialising with people I don’t like that much.
I encourage a bit of choosiness in my DC too. They’re both popular and confident, and there is no way we’d encourage them to invite someone unkind to their party.

op- don’t encourage your son to be a total doormat- he needs to develop standards of how he can expect to be treated by others.

Absolutely not. I don’t get why anyone would voluntarily socialise with people they don’t like purely because they’re too uneasy with saying ‘No’. I’m quite at ease with being ‘pointed’.

Support your son
100%

I put you are being unreasonable. Unreasonable in the fact that you are chosing a random boy's feelings and your own embarrassment over you sons wishes on his birthday.
It is his decision, support him.

It sounds like school have repeatedly told this boy he is being unkind and he choses not to change his ways. That's willful bullying unless he's seriously mentally/learning disabled which I imagine your DS would have clearly picked up on by now given they are all 8/9 not 3/4/5. Don't invite the boy.

Your sons birthday so his choice 100%!

Why are so many Mothers so intent on pushing their children to be kind to bullies and ignore their own autonomy around what acceptable behaviour is?

The child is a bully, bullies should be ostracised and left out.

YABU.

Yeah I’m gobsmacked at this.

Yeah don’t ruin your child’s birthday by inviting their bully!