Page 12 | AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

Louisa80s · 2026-03-10T21:21:12+00:00

Please help me out here... DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers. DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with. This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down. He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do. I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to. I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly. Please help me decide what to do...

TheIceBear · 11/03/2026 13:20

Grammarninja · 11/03/2026 09:52

I invited my boss to my wedding even though I hated her. It's called diplomacy and boxing clever. Children need to learn these skills early. He may not like this boy but he could be unleashing something far more unpleasant by excluding him from the group. Have a good chat with him about it all and try to help him see that leaving this boy out might not be the best idea in this situation.

Inviting a boss you hate to your wedding isn’t diplomatic. It’s ridiculous. I can’t imagine anything worse than a boss I hated being at my wedding.

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/03/2026 13:24

Grammarninja · 11/03/2026 13:05

I think the lesson that needs to be taught here is that we all meet people that are annoying in life and have to learn how to deal with and work around them.
I taught a group of 10-year-old girls a few years ago. There was a girl that was incredibly immature and annoyed everyone. Class clown, mocked everyone, drove everyone nuts and obviously had no real friends. A very happy, well-adjusted girl in the class who had plenty of real friends found her particularly annoying and accused her of bullying. From a teacher's perspective, it was farcical. Yes, she was very irritating to be around but she didn't focus her nuisance behaviour on anyone in particular. She was just very socially immature.
Thankfully, the girl who accused her had reasonable parents. I explained the situation fully to them. As a teacher, you're like a parent to them both. You can see where it's going wrong and why each of them is seeing things the way they do. You feel sorry for the socially maladjusted child because you know they don't mean to be as painful as they are, they're just too immature to understand what they're up to.
If you had 2 children and one was 2 years younger (at least socially and emotionally) you would work harder to get them to see each other's point of view and gain common ground rather than let them just exclude each other from their lives.
This isn't a teacher ignoring 'bullying' , it's a teacher that is trying to navigate two charges, of different maturity levels, through childhood and socialisation.
When a child is actually being bullied in my class, believe me, I would never let it stand.

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Did she also hit and push people on top of that?

Siblings have to live together so common ground is important. OP's son shouldn't have to find common ground and put up with his behaviour at his birthday party.

FacingtheSun · 11/03/2026 13:26

Babybirdmum · 11/03/2026 12:57

That’s what you think but it looks bad when a whole team goes somewhere bar one person. If it was just some close friends from the team having a party it’s different. That’s why I think cutting the numbers to make it close friends only is the best solution rather than everyone except one, or else he might claim to be the victim. I don’t think it’s right but I’ve seen it happen so often you have to be sensible about these things. The bully still won’t get to go to the party either way but there’s a way to do it which mean you don’t come across as a bully either

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'It looks bad when a whole team goes somewhere bar one person'? Looks bad to whom? To the one person?

I'd be very surprised if they had any particular desire to attend a party given by me if we didn't get along in the workplace beyond the usual collegial rubbing along.

He has no claim whatsoever to be any kind of victim. Who I invite to my house outside of work hours is exclusively my business. This isn't a team away day or bonding exercise. It's quite simply not a workplace issue.

Originalbutter · 11/03/2026 13:30

If you push back on this your son will accept and allow this kind of bad behaviour from his peers for the rest of his life.

Support ans teach him now that its absolutely fine to have and hold boundries.

FacingtheSun · 11/03/2026 13:31

InterIgnis · 11/03/2026 12:51

Actually I think a lot of mumsnet are more inclined to over-complicate fairly minor issues, and believe that because they struggle navigating something then that the same must hold true for everyone. It doesn’t. OP’s son doesn’t want this kid at his birthday party, so it’s very simple to not invite him. If he and his mother feel bad because of this then that’s fine. That’s their problem, not OP’s.

By the sounds of it OP’s son is already well versed in playing friendship politics, given what he already tolerates from this kid on a daily basis. He’s, very reasonably, drawing a line at having to tolerate it on his birthday.

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Yes, I think the issue here is that so many Mners struggle with friendships and see 'cliques' and 'exclusions' everywhere, where more socially-confident people would just see 'people talking to their friends'. So they automatically put themselves into the place of either the child not being invited to the party, or the parent of the child not being invited to the party, and think that the party child should '#bekind', just as they feel that parents on the school run peacefully minding their own business and chatting to their friends should instead be on some kind of mission to include anyone standing alone.

Whatnameisif · 11/03/2026 13:55

I voted yabu, which doesn't match your title but I think you are unreasonable to invite this child. Your son doesn't like him, is very clear he doesn't want him there to the extent he'd rather not have a party if he is.

If the boot was on the other foot, I hope you'd tell him that if he's mean to someone they won't invite him to things.

I would probably mention it to the Mum if there's a way to do it kindly. If he's excluded but neither of them know why then nothing can improve.

Fetidous · 11/03/2026 14:17

I think parties can make it confusing about who your kids friends actually are because even when older it can be a mix of who the parent likes, who the child likes etc

i dont think he should invite him if he feels that strongly however, he is unlikely to get an invite back meaning less time with his friends then.

JuliettaCaeser · 11/03/2026 14:55

I met DH at work. I was quite friendly with a more senior colleague who was horrible to DH and others at his level. Like hell did we invite her to our wedding! Though she was quite put out- she knew why!

Babybirdmum · 11/03/2026 14:57

FacingtheSun · 11/03/2026 13:26

'It looks bad when a whole team goes somewhere bar one person'? Looks bad to whom? To the one person?

I'd be very surprised if they had any particular desire to attend a party given by me if we didn't get along in the workplace beyond the usual collegial rubbing along.

He has no claim whatsoever to be any kind of victim. Who I invite to my house outside of work hours is exclusively my business. This isn't a team away day or bonding exercise. It's quite simply not a workplace issue.

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the managers thought otherwise and then the bully became the victim, this was in the NHS by the way!

FacingtheSun · 11/03/2026 15:02

Babybirdmum · 11/03/2026 14:57

the managers thought otherwise and then the bully became the victim, this was in the NHS by the way!

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Well, I assume the union got involved and the frankly ludicrous accusation was fought. There is absolutely no basis for workplace management involvement in how someone socialises in their own home on their own dime.

godmum56 · 11/03/2026 15:23

TheIceBear · 11/03/2026 13:20

Inviting a boss you hate to your wedding isn’t diplomatic. It’s ridiculous. I can’t imagine anything worse than a boss I hated being at my wedding.

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this.....and not the kind of life skill that you'd want to or should teach a child.

Instructions · 11/03/2026 15:27

Put your son first. It's his birthday. He doesn't want the boy who laughs at him, mocks him, belittles him, hits him and pushes him over to be there. It really is not unreasonable for him to be allowed to enjoy his party and not be subjected to the presence of a bully.

FacingtheSun · 11/03/2026 15:42

godmum56 · 11/03/2026 15:23

this.....and not the kind of life skill that you'd want to or should teach a child.

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But you can see where some Mners get their wet lettucery from, if they were brought up by mothers who thought (a) workplace bullying was just a fact of life to be borne and (b) you still had to ensure you invited any colleague who mistreated you to your home parties, wedding etc in case it 'looked bad'.

Pokko · 11/03/2026 15:42

As a parent the OP should be focusing on her child stating he'd rather forgo a party than have this child included.

Could it be ANY clearer.
Poor child.

godmum56 · 11/03/2026 16:02

FacingtheSun · 11/03/2026 15:42

But you can see where some Mners get their wet lettucery from, if they were brought up by mothers who thought (a) workplace bullying was just a fact of life to be borne and (b) you still had to ensure you invited any colleague who mistreated you to your home parties, wedding etc in case it 'looked bad'.

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or equally bad, because there was profit in doing it.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/03/2026 16:41

I would support my son in this situation the other child is bullying him and getting away with it

Supporting2026 · 11/03/2026 19:56

I voted YABU because of course you shouldn't for your son to invite a boy who is bullying your 9 year old. That is ridiculous. If they were 5 years old it would probably be different - but by 9 years old kids know who is genuinely mean or not and what that means. Let your son have the party he wants.

Jamba0 · 12/03/2026 06:54

It's interesting to read all the comment about a bully child, made by adults who basically recomment OP to behave like an adult bully.

Don't we all live life to learn and grow from each experience? It's a young child. It's the role of adults to teach the child that the what he does is bullying, and bullying is not nice. No one appears to have taken the rigth opportunity to do so.

As I mentioned before, a solution would be to invite the child with OP's son for a separate day out, and this would keep somewhat peace between the two parents, the school, the boy would avoid escalating a situation. And then allow the son to have his party without the bully.

I encountered a similar incident once with a friend's daughter (FD) who was 8 at the time. She had a classmate who was difficult and quite the bully (basically, grew up without much guidance it turned out), which I was not aware of at the time. Yet this one day she was to spend her whole day with the dog and the bully while her mother had to be out of town. We took the dog out to the park. The two were socialising and I made them responsible for walking the dog. Sooner or later the bully did what she normally does, and I could see my FD was getting upset and hurt. I took this as a perfect opportunity (when an incident is fresh and relevant) to take the bully aside, and explain to her what part of her behaviour had hurt and upset FD. The child listened and was quiet. From then onwards she not only treated FD much nicer, but she tried to give her flowers and gifts the rest of the day, even sharing her ice cream and so on. I could see that she didn't actually want to be bad, she was not aware of it. The flowers, gifts was her way of apologising without using words.

So, OP spending a separate day with DS and the boy together could be used as a personal growth moment for the child rather than an adult being made to turn into a judgemental bully.

echt · 12/03/2026 06:56

It's interesting to read all the comment about a bully child, made by adults who basically recomment OP to behave like an adult bully

I suggest you look up the word "bully" in a dictionary.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/03/2026 07:56

Jamba0 · 12/03/2026 06:54

It's interesting to read all the comment about a bully child, made by adults who basically recomment OP to behave like an adult bully.

Don't we all live life to learn and grow from each experience? It's a young child. It's the role of adults to teach the child that the what he does is bullying, and bullying is not nice. No one appears to have taken the rigth opportunity to do so.

As I mentioned before, a solution would be to invite the child with OP's son for a separate day out, and this would keep somewhat peace between the two parents, the school, the boy would avoid escalating a situation. And then allow the son to have his party without the bully.

I encountered a similar incident once with a friend's daughter (FD) who was 8 at the time. She had a classmate who was difficult and quite the bully (basically, grew up without much guidance it turned out), which I was not aware of at the time. Yet this one day she was to spend her whole day with the dog and the bully while her mother had to be out of town. We took the dog out to the park. The two were socialising and I made them responsible for walking the dog. Sooner or later the bully did what she normally does, and I could see my FD was getting upset and hurt. I took this as a perfect opportunity (when an incident is fresh and relevant) to take the bully aside, and explain to her what part of her behaviour had hurt and upset FD. The child listened and was quiet. From then onwards she not only treated FD much nicer, but she tried to give her flowers and gifts the rest of the day, even sharing her ice cream and so on. I could see that she didn't actually want to be bad, she was not aware of it. The flowers, gifts was her way of apologising without using words.

So, OP spending a separate day with DS and the boy together could be used as a personal growth moment for the child rather than an adult being made to turn into a judgemental bully.

Protecting your child isn't behaving like an adult bully. It is the parents job to teach their own child not to be a bully, not OP's at the expense of forcing her child to spend 1-1 time with a child he clearly doesn't want to spend time with.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/03/2026 08:41

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 22:20

I cant find it now, but someone asked what happened in previous years. DS has always invited all of the boys to every party he has had, without question. Only this year has he said no.
I'd say out of the group, they're the most opposite. DS is the quietest and this other boy is the loudest which I think is why their relationship is probably worse out of all of them.
I'm going to take the majority of the advice and back my son. School are aware of how my son feels so it's being monitored that side, and I think I'll bite the bullet and reach out to his mum to explain the situation as I know they'll hear about it before long. She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me, she will likely be devastated though which does make me feel a bad on her.
She did say to me a while back her son doesn't seem to have a really close relationship with any of the boys (most of them will go for 1 on 1 play dates with each other but hers isnt ever asked). She wasnt asking for my opinion, more just getting off her chest that she's worried why he never gets asked. I wish I'd have said something then, but I didn't want to speak on behalf of the other parents as it doesn't feel fair.
But we're all of the same opinion that this boy generally is just not very nice sometimes.

i think maybe you could say

you asked ne a while ago why your ds isn’t invited to things. I wasn’t enough to brave enough to say at the time, but my ds has been quite upset by him a lot this year - laughing at him, (describe a few things). I’d be hoping they would sort it out, but ds is so upset about it he doesn’t feel able to have him at his bday celebrations. I feel awkward about this as I don’t want to upset your ds or you but I wanted to give you a heads up as the children might talk about it at school.

godmum56 · 12/03/2026 18:19

Jamba0 · 12/03/2026 06:54

It's interesting to read all the comment about a bully child, made by adults who basically recomment OP to behave like an adult bully.

Don't we all live life to learn and grow from each experience? It's a young child. It's the role of adults to teach the child that the what he does is bullying, and bullying is not nice. No one appears to have taken the rigth opportunity to do so.

As I mentioned before, a solution would be to invite the child with OP's son for a separate day out, and this would keep somewhat peace between the two parents, the school, the boy would avoid escalating a situation. And then allow the son to have his party without the bully.

I encountered a similar incident once with a friend's daughter (FD) who was 8 at the time. She had a classmate who was difficult and quite the bully (basically, grew up without much guidance it turned out), which I was not aware of at the time. Yet this one day she was to spend her whole day with the dog and the bully while her mother had to be out of town. We took the dog out to the park. The two were socialising and I made them responsible for walking the dog. Sooner or later the bully did what she normally does, and I could see my FD was getting upset and hurt. I took this as a perfect opportunity (when an incident is fresh and relevant) to take the bully aside, and explain to her what part of her behaviour had hurt and upset FD. The child listened and was quiet. From then onwards she not only treated FD much nicer, but she tried to give her flowers and gifts the rest of the day, even sharing her ice cream and so on. I could see that she didn't actually want to be bad, she was not aware of it. The flowers, gifts was her way of apologising without using words.

So, OP spending a separate day with DS and the boy together could be used as a personal growth moment for the child rather than an adult being made to turn into a judgemental bully.

and again, a child is not an emotional support animal.

HDTV223 · 12/03/2026 21:34

OP spending a separate day with DS and the boy together could be used as a personal growth moment for the child rather than an adult being made to turn into a judgemental bully.

Or OP could focus on her own child (as she is ) and let the bully's parents, you know, PARENT their child? And OP could invite children who don't need lessons in behaviour to her home/party etc.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 13/03/2026 04:37

Jamba0 · 12/03/2026 06:54

It's interesting to read all the comment about a bully child, made by adults who basically recomment OP to behave like an adult bully.

Don't we all live life to learn and grow from each experience? It's a young child. It's the role of adults to teach the child that the what he does is bullying, and bullying is not nice. No one appears to have taken the rigth opportunity to do so.

As I mentioned before, a solution would be to invite the child with OP's son for a separate day out, and this would keep somewhat peace between the two parents, the school, the boy would avoid escalating a situation. And then allow the son to have his party without the bully.

I encountered a similar incident once with a friend's daughter (FD) who was 8 at the time. She had a classmate who was difficult and quite the bully (basically, grew up without much guidance it turned out), which I was not aware of at the time. Yet this one day she was to spend her whole day with the dog and the bully while her mother had to be out of town. We took the dog out to the park. The two were socialising and I made them responsible for walking the dog. Sooner or later the bully did what she normally does, and I could see my FD was getting upset and hurt. I took this as a perfect opportunity (when an incident is fresh and relevant) to take the bully aside, and explain to her what part of her behaviour had hurt and upset FD. The child listened and was quiet. From then onwards she not only treated FD much nicer, but she tried to give her flowers and gifts the rest of the day, even sharing her ice cream and so on. I could see that she didn't actually want to be bad, she was not aware of it. The flowers, gifts was her way of apologising without using words.

So, OP spending a separate day with DS and the boy together could be used as a personal growth moment for the child rather than an adult being made to turn into a judgemental bully.

What a load of old tosh. OP’s son is intimidated by this boy to the point where he would rather not have a birthday party than have to invite him. And you want his mum to seriously damage her relationship with her son by forcing him to spend the day one to one with this child ? Seriously ?

Wordsmithery · 13/03/2026 04:46

It's your son's choice. Make him aware that the other boy will ask him the reasons and possibly put pressure on him. This would be a good opportunity for your son to stand up for himself and tell the other boy the truth. The other boy will then see that he's suffering the consequences of his actions.