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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

318 replies

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:21

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

OP posts:
Houndsahollering · 11/03/2026 05:51

You listen to your son. Why is this even a question? Bullying boy needs to start being shown actions have consequences

rockinrobins · 11/03/2026 05:56

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:43

Yes, quite a bit over the last few years. I would say calling it bullying feels a little extreme because I think it's just this boys personality. He is very boisterous, thinks he is the class clown but doesn't realise how his comments can bring others down. It was parents evening last week and his teacher said that my DS rarely puts his hand up, I explained that its because he lives in fear of being laughed at by said child. He said yes, I am very aware of this and it's been raised on numerous occasions with him that it's unkind. I can assure you my son is anything but a bully - he is just a little fed up i guess

Show quote history

"Laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc"

"Lives in fear of being laughed at"

Umm OP, this is bullying. Doesn't matter why the kid is doing it, if he "thinks he's the class clown" or if it's "just his personality" or he "doesn't realise". It's bullying.

Why are you trying to encourage your son to invite his bully to his birthday party?

This boy needs to be pulled up by adults on the way he is treating his "friends" and put a stop to this behaviour.

I'd say good for your son taking a stand on it, sounds like he's the only one actually calling it out for what it is even when adults are excusing it. He knows the way this kid is treating him is not right. He is only 9 and knows his own mind. That is wonderful and you should back him all the way.

BewleyBear · 11/03/2026 06:16

Your son is adamant because he knows his boundaries. Support him! Your son is right to invite only nice friends to his party.

The other kid is constantly being unkind and therefore doesn’t get an invite. Cause and effect! It’s an age old lesson.

Cattywillow · 11/03/2026 06:19

If it was me I’d respect my son’s wishes. He has good reasons for not wanting this boy there. However, I probably would message the other mother and explain that there have been a few incidents recently and x feels quite uncomfortable around y at the moment which is why he’s not invited to the party. I’d acknowledge it and say I hope they can move past it but right now that is x’s wish. I’d say I’m sorry if y is disappointed and that he deserves an explanation. The mother might be glad of the information and it’s not like she’s not going to notice. I did this once with another mother and we were able to remain friends. The other mother was clear eyed about her child though and took it onboard. She was actually grateful for the heads up. Interestingly our sons ended up being best friends years later.

Beetlebum89 · 11/03/2026 06:53

Your son will never forget if you put another kids comfort over his. Don't invite the bully. Stand by your son & show him you stand by his choice.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 11/03/2026 06:53

Let us know how the bully's mum takes it @Louisa80s

JuliettaCaeser · 11/03/2026 06:56

Also I’m sure the op can be decent and empathetic to the family. It doesn’t need to be confrontational. I would focus on your son’s feelings in my interactions with the mum rather than pointing out her son is being a little shit. So “the boys aren’t getting on very well at the moment “ etc

Mymanyellow · 11/03/2026 07:09

Don’t invite him if the mum asks why tell her. Don’t even understand why this is a question seems obvious to me.

Dollymylove · 11/03/2026 07:10

I hate this culture of whole class parties ans children having to endure bullies because they have to "be kind"
Thank god its not a thing at my granddaughters school

MyBrightPeer · 11/03/2026 07:16

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 22:20

I cant find it now, but someone asked what happened in previous years. DS has always invited all of the boys to every party he has had, without question. Only this year has he said no.
I'd say out of the group, they're the most opposite. DS is the quietest and this other boy is the loudest which I think is why their relationship is probably worse out of all of them.
I'm going to take the majority of the advice and back my son. School are aware of how my son feels so it's being monitored that side, and I think I'll bite the bullet and reach out to his mum to explain the situation as I know they'll hear about it before long. She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me, she will likely be devastated though which does make me feel a bad on her.
She did say to me a while back her son doesn't seem to have a really close relationship with any of the boys (most of them will go for 1 on 1 play dates with each other but hers isnt ever asked). She wasnt asking for my opinion, more just getting off her chest that she's worried why he never gets asked. I wish I'd have said something then, but I didn't want to speak on behalf of the other parents as it doesn't feel fair.
But we're all of the same opinion that this boy generally is just not very nice sometimes.

She needs to address this though. Tell her what you’ve written here, what your son said to you and maybe she will address the fact he’s boisterous and unkind. Sounds like it’s been raised by school and nothing has changed. This is just the consequence.

ScarlettSarah · 11/03/2026 07:17

I've done this before - absolutely no way was the girl bully of the class coming to my DD's party (obviously DD didn't want her there). All the other girls were invited as there were only a handful in a class. At some stage, kids have to learn that if they're mean to others, this is a consequence. Think they were all about 7 at the time. Glad to hear you are backing your son, as he shouldn't have to be uncomfortable at his own birthday party! If I were you, I would not reach out to the mum - just sounds like stirring / making drama, even though I know it is well meant by you.

BeanQuisine · 11/03/2026 07:21

Weird, nonsensical thread. Of course your son shouldn't have to invite someone he doesn't want at the party.

Why should there be anything to debate?

AntiqueBabyLoanSmurf · 11/03/2026 07:24

Eviebeans · 11/03/2026 04:20

I totally agree with this
Give a thought to what message you are giving your son if you don’t support his decision not to invite someone who bullies him to his own party
Do you think this child will be surprised?

Show quote history

Also, what message are you giving to the bully? Clearly that bullying people is completely acceptable and won't have any negative consequences for you.

This could actually help the bully greatly as a teaching opportunity; much better to learn at 9 by missing out on parties and mending his ways, than to grow into an adult Verucca Salt and learn by going to prison for assault, because you just never learned that other people aren't only there as playthings to be abused for your personal amusement.

DeniseSecunda1 · 11/03/2026 07:24

OP, you are not coming off well here. Disgusting to care more about the boy who bullies your child than to care about your child.

FlopsyMopsyCotton · 11/03/2026 07:25

It feels wrong, because you are conscious of the other boys feelings. He’s a kid too, despite his behaviour.
I had the same situation, DC didn’t want to invite 1 out of the group because of the same reasons. Pushing, shoving generally being unkind. So I didn’t. It might be a little awkward with the other parent but you don’t have to explain anything. When asked if he had a party I just said yes, nothing else.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 11/03/2026 07:25

This happened to me when I was 8 or 9, my mum got me to invite her in the basis it was mean to leave her out, she was awful to me at the party and mum pulled her up and ended up sending her home early and had a stand up row with the mum, who wasn’t very nice either so maybe that is slightly different. I remember it nearly 40years later so best not to invite him.

I hope the other mum takes it ok but I expect you may be overestimating here, I anticipate she will ‘turn ‘ on you in defence of her son, but hopefully she can make this a teachable moment as sounds like the class clown needs to dial it down a few notches. Good luck.

Theroadt · 11/03/2026 07:26

I probably would leave the boy out but warn DS there will be consequences to that decision. My son had similar at his 8th birthday party. There were 18 boys in his class and he invited 10, with about 4 outside school friends, to a swim party. One boy excluded was in his friendship group of 4/5, but he was adamant he didn’t want to, for similar reasons. The mum was great pals with the mum of one of the others in the same group, and when it was his party my son was the only boy out of the whole 18 not invited, and it was deliberate (because another unconnected mum told me the motive had been broadcast). So as I say - all decisions good/bad have consequences.

Caniweartheseones · 11/03/2026 07:27

To me it looks like it worries you what the mum will think that she will be upset with you rather than focusing on your son having a fun party where he is prioritised. The boy doesn’t sound nice at all. So the argument seems like it’s between you and your son rather than anything to do with the actual classmate.

navigatingthestars · 11/03/2026 07:28

To be honest @Theroadt i wouldn’t reciprocate an invite in those circumstances either.

MrsMitford3 · 11/03/2026 07:28

I def do not think you should invite the boy.

I also do not think you should talk to the Mum "because she is lovely and will understand"
No Mum will want to believe that about their DS.
She absolutely will not understand and may argue/beg and make it worse.

Just leave it and see how it plays out.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/03/2026 07:30

He has a very good reason for making this decision. His party, his choice. I hope he has a great time.

AntiqueBabyLoanSmurf · 11/03/2026 07:30

joyfulmisanthropy · 11/03/2026 05:50

I would not invite the boy but speak to the boys mum and explain the reasons why and that you are sorry but you have to respect your son’s wishes.

That makes it sound like OP's DS is the unreasonable one for not wanting to have a bully come to his party to bully him and destroy his special day.

How about "I'm sorry that your child has chosen to miss out on nice things because he prefers to exclude himself through his appalling bullying behaviour"?

I'm sure there are some women out there who would genuinely feel they should apologise to an abuser who is raining down punches on them for potentially hurting his fists by putting their face there.

LilWoosmum82 · 11/03/2026 07:35

The brutal truth is he is your child and it's his birthday, not this other boy. So, i'm afraid the issue here is if the parents approach you when they find out their son has been excluded from the party. This 'exclusion' from the party is obviously a result of this boys behaviour toward your son. He clearly feels bullied and i wouldn't expect my child to have her bully at her party just to keep the peace sorry i'm with your DS and why hasn't this issue been addressed previously? It's clearly affecting him.

Wearealldoingourbest · 11/03/2026 07:36

I support you doing what your DS wants here. You'll have to brace yourself for the fall out, which might include some very awkward encounters with the other mum and maybe even parents of the other children in the group, but that boy is a bully and your son is putting in place a boundary (which is brave!).
We had a similar situation with one of my DC but the difference was my child wasn't very firm about saying not invite them and I didn't realise the extent of the behaviour until the party. I found out partly because the child behaved so badly at the party! If I could back in time I would have grabbed onto my child's hints during the party invites and also taken some action earlier about the at school bullying that I had suspicions about.
Persistently targeting a person with unkindness is bullying even if individual incidents seem minor. It's the targeting and the repeated pattern that do the damage.

ChampagneLassie · 11/03/2026 07:38

I can’t believe you’re questioning this at 9! It’s your son’s birthday let him invite who he wants! You say he’d feel excluded…but presumably he doesn’t attend invites from this lad? Or does he? i really wouldn’t overthink that. I also think you should be more direct to bully boys mum about his behaviour.