AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

[Louisa80s]

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

Your son us your priority. He is being bullied and you seem to feel sorry for the bully. Your son has bravely and quite understandably said he doesn't want this bulky at his birthday part abd yiu are still concerned about this other child? I think you may fail to realise the impact of this child's behaviour on your son. I wonder if you are more concerned about his mother? Please support your son.

Sorry, I don’t get this. Why is your “heart breaking” for a kid that belittles your son? Are you sure that you don’t just feel a bit awkward about what his Mum will think? It’s okay to find it awkward as the adult (and to admit that to yourself) - but ultimately it’s your son’s party and I really think you should support him. It’s not even just that he doesn’t like this boy, it’s somebody that bullies him!

You need to support your son and not invite the other boy.

Put your big girl pants on and support your child.

It's your son's party. He can exclude who he likes. This child doesn't sound like friend to your son.

I think YABU. Life isn't fair, it's not meant to be. The younger we learn that the more tools we can amass in our arsenal to deal with it when it happens again.

It is DS’s birthday. I am assuming because of the numbers and ages that it is some sort of activity, which if so would give the mean boy plenty of opportunities to say mean things if someone messes up. I think your DS and his other friends have the right to enjoy an activity without worrying that someone is going to laugh at them or make them feel uncomfortable.

If you could bear to I think it might be a good thing to have that awkward conversation with the mean boys mother about him not being invited. Tell her that several of the children in the group have said the same thing, that her child’s behaviour and attitude makes them feel uncomfortable because he often makes negative comments and is quick to mock, and because of that you have decided not to invite him. I would steer clear of the word bully because it is so emotive and will only make her more defensive, and I would also explain that it is you who has vetoed the invitation. I might also chicken out and put it all in a text!

My worry would be this boys behavior to your son could get worse if he is excluded. I would be inclined to speak to his mother and explain what is going on in the hope she would address the situation. I hope it all works out.

This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc.

This is bullying.

There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.

You have allowed this bullying to go on for this long?

DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little,

Is it any wonder when the poor child is being bullied on a regular basis?

I would say calling it bullying feels a little extreme because I think it's just this boys personality.

You are minimising this shitty behaviour to the detriment of your own child

It was parents evening last week and his teacher said that my DS rarely puts his hand up, I explained that its because he lives in fear of being laughed at by said child.
He said yes, I am very aware of this and it's been raised on numerous occasions with him that it's unkind.

Your child's confidence and emotional well being is being undermined by the bully on a regular basis. Why are you not up in arms about this? You should be taking it further and asking the school what they are going to do to stop this boy making your child's life a misery.

He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.

You don't know what to do? Are you for real?

Listen to your son. Poor little boy.

Yes, absolutely. There are actually something like 8 billion people who aren't being invited - many of whom are probably much nicer people than the bully - so he's in the vast, vast majority. It's just a party for your DS so invite a few of his friends to, and this boy has spent years actively being the opposite of a friend to him, so obviously he isn't invited!

Being a parent involves a lot of occasions when we have to teach our children things; but every now and then, they end up teaching us. Your DS has a healthy attitude to not allowing deliberately unpleasant people to encroach on his boundaries and treat him badly; this is to be applauded and heartily encouraged.

It's not rocket science, surely, to realise that if you're repeatedly and deliberately nasty to people, they won't like you and want to share special treats with you? I'm sure his mum knows what he's like really, even if she's in denial; maybe she actively uses being ultra nice as a tactic for the very purpose of getting other parents onside and getting them to overlook her little horror's terrible behaviour, as it's easier for her than bothering to tackle it herself.

Sorry to be blunt, but this boy is clearly bullying him; and if you try to gaslight your DS into ignoring that and letting a nasty child come along to spoil and effectively steal his special day from him, you're kind of bullying him yourself as well. It's a bit like the equivalent of, say, knowing that your DS is terrified of clowns but still booking a clown to come to his party anyway.

The bully is seeing the consequences of his bad choices and his feelings about that are not your concern; your own DS's happiness IS very much your concern. You're unreasonable to call it his friendship group, when at least one of them is clearly not his friend. Would you befriend a bully and specifically seek to provide her with opportunities to spoil your day and hurt and upset you? If there are repercussions from this, so be it. Losing a nasty 'friend' is actually a gain; and if any of the others in the group prioritise the bully over your DS, they were never friends worth having either.

This

agreed. He really doesn’t want him there.

That’s the consequence of behaviour. If anyone says anything just be honest.

This!!!!

Your priority is surely your son, not this other kid.

Why would your ‘heart break’ for this boy, and not for your son? Why should he be made to feel even worse than he already does, because of his mother’s desire to spare someone else’s feelings over those of her own child?

Your son isn’t being ‘unkind’ to not want someone that hurts him at his birthday party.

I wouldn't want to invite a person who bullied me to my party either. Why won't you listen to your DS when he says he'd rather go without a party than spend time with his bully. If the bully gets left outaube he will learn to be nicer. I'd mention to child's Mum your DS says her son belittles him and makes your DS feel unhappy so you can't invite him until he stops the bullying.

Stand up for your son, you are supposed to be his advocate.

listen to him

I totally agree with this
Give a thought to what message you are giving your son if you don’t support his decision not to invite someone who bullies him to his own party
Do you think this child will be surprised?

You need to support your son more if even the teachers seeing it and you are doubting what to do. This is bullying

Insane response

This.

I feel so sorry for your son.

Imagine your own Mum trying to gaslight you into accept bullying. Come on.

I’m glad you’ve taken advice on board op and decided to back your son.

I do have to say i think it’s quite shocking that you had to ask in the first place tbh.

Sounds like your son is really being affected. I would definitely call it bullying. It’s really poor that this has been going on for so long and it’s also really poor that you are keen to get on so well with this bully’s mum.

Bully needs proper consequences.

Also if at any point during this conversation with your DS have you said you think he should invite the bully, apologise to him.

Time for the other kid to learn about consequences, I'm afraid. It shouldn't be your son's role to accommodate his behaviour in order to spare his feelings 🤷
To invite him against your son's perfectly reasonable wishes, would be to put the other kid first. Which in this case would unfair to your son.
(Edit: just seen OP's update:. 👍 good decision.

Do not invite him but please do make a point of having a discussion, in private, with the bully's mother.
Otherwise, Bully's Mum is ignorant.

Explain that you know her son will be hurt, that your son refuses to invite Bully to his party because he fears him, that you have brought Bully's behaviour up a number of times with your son's teacher and the teacher has had words with Bully about being unkind.
Explain that you would normally default to invite all of a friend group but this time you will not go against your child's wishes.

Explain that in having this awkward the conversatioin you hope that Bully's mother can understand, and make the situation into a positive learning experience about being kind and unkind.

I would not invite the boy but speak to the boys mum and explain the reasons why and that you are sorry but you have to respect your son’s wishes.

I would never have forgiven my Mother for inviting a bully to my party. Don't do it. Stick up for your son.