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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

318 replies

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:21

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

OP posts:
Grrrpredictivetex · 10/03/2026 22:42

Not really sure what the voting represents as no questions. Maybe that why the results are scewed.
Either way no the bully shouldn’t be included if your son is against it.

Containergardener · 10/03/2026 22:43

I say don’t invite. I have a child of similar age and at this age parties are smaller plus I don’t think they talk about who is invited to each other - even after the event! It’s only parents if they even track these things. Just sent invites this week (as via what’s app all replied within 24hr) and I asked my 8 year old, has anyone said anything your party today? Nothing. They just crack on with life.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2026 22:49

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:34

Thanks for the opinions so far. The comments are not matching the vote scoring at all 🙈**

I think people don’t know which vote means which thing! I was unsure.

I don’t think you should invite the child. I don’t know if that’s YABU or YANBU because the title says “AIBU not to invite him” , but your post suggests you want to invite him! So I haven’t voted!

Ferrissia3 · 10/03/2026 22:51

Given what you've written, I think you are being massively unreasonable to even consider inviting this child. Let your son know you have his back when people treat him badly.

TheLemonLemur · 10/03/2026 22:53

I had a very similar sitiuation. My son was adamant he wasn't inviting the boy we discussed consequences eg he would likely be left out when it was the other boys party and he was fine with that so didn't invite him. So neither was invited to each others party. The other boy seems to hav matured and they tolerate each other a bit more - my son actually invited him to his party this year and was invited to the boys party after. I would go with what your son wants

Jacopo · 10/03/2026 22:55

Of course you must listen to your son. He has even said he would rather not have a party if this boy is invited. Even the teacher has confirmed that the other boy’s behaviour is unacceptable.
I wouldn’t bother giving the boy’s mother an explanation unless she asks for it. She already knows that her son isn’t being invited in play dates. Presumably his behaviour must also have been raised with her by the teacher.
The voting on this thread is a bit bonkers because although your title asks if you are being unreasonable the actual text of your post makes it sound as if you were determined to invite the little bully.

Foreverautumnagain · 10/03/2026 22:57

Absolutely what @herbalteabag said! You're being incredibly woosy (a people pleaser by any chance?!) - listen to your child, he knows his own mind and it's his birthday. Good on him 👍👍

watchingthishtread · 10/03/2026 22:58

She is lovely so I know she won't turn on me

Don't count on it. Be prepared for the possibility that she might. People tend to shoot the messenger, especially when it involves their children.

OlderGingerCat · 10/03/2026 23:02

"Sounds more like a child struggling with something like ADHD than a bully."

FFS This exactly why op is having a dilemma- everything is excusable, ordinary people are made to feel awful because they want to protect their own kids; the worse a behaviour the more you should roll over- it's pathological (pretend) kindness
Op, I get why you're grappling with this but you need to listen to your gut and not invite this kid. He's a bully- it doesn't matter why.

Walkerzoo · 10/03/2026 23:04

At that age I left the kids to name who they wanted.

Good luck with the mum! They can be so much worse than the kids so I wouldn't go there.

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 10/03/2026 23:08

I was in a similar situation with DD, she wanted to leave one girl out for basically the same reason. I said okay, the mum text me asking why, I texted back why and she did kind of have a go, but I just muted it. You may well get a text (depending on the parent’s disposition) so just keep that in mind.

With my kids I kind of have a rule they can invite and not invite who they want, but if they’re leaving out one specific person there needs to be good reason. When the come in after school moaning “Jessica played with Lizzy at break today and not me! She can’t come to my party!” That’s not really a reason, but if it’s a case of a certain child being consistently mean to them then no they don’t have to invite them and I think that’s fair enough.

Pushmepullu · 10/03/2026 23:12

OP, I’m glad to see that you’re backing your son on this. To my eternal shame I insisted that the childminders son should be invited to my son’s 10th birthday party. This boy bullied other children, tried to take over all the games, and was generally antisocial. He then insisted on sitting in the front of the car making my son get in the back. I still feel ashamed of myself for allowing this, and my son is now 32!

Abouttoblow · 10/03/2026 23:14

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 10/03/2026 21:33

If you haven't raised this behaviour with the school, the mum of bully boy is going to be rather shocked at no invite. And the bully hasn't had an opportunity to change

You can't force your son to invite him.

I guess you'll just have to see how it pans out

Bullies don't stop being bullies because they're not invited to an event.
The bully's mum can be shocked (if she's completely unaware that her child is a bully -unlikely) at no invite and then explain to her child the potential reasons for why he's not invited.

tellmesomethingtrue · 10/03/2026 23:17

Listen to your son.

JuliettaCaeser · 10/03/2026 23:18

No brainer. Listen to your son. The risk is if you override him to appease these randoms he will always remember it. Your connection with this other family will fall away but your son will always remember how you prioritised his bully over him on his birthday.

Thunderpants88 · 10/03/2026 23:20

“Timmy is not invited because we had family members to invite and numbers didn’t allow, also I’m not sure if you are aware but they have not been getting on for quite a while now and DS is quite upset at how Timmy had been treating him. Might be a good idea if you could get a clearer picture from the teacher as I don’t have eyes directly on the situation”

I would advocate for my son, not be accusatory and advise the parent to go to the teacher for more info not from you, second hand from a 9 year old. (Not saying you shouldn’t trust you son but it will go down a lot better if the behaviour is pointed out by an impartial professional who is actually seeing it happen)

good luck, these things are not nice but you are your sons protector, it is your job to make him feel safe and listened to and advocate for him. Moments like this are crossroads and very important. You always want him to know he can come to you, be vunerable and within reason you will be in his side. In 10 years you and this Mum will barely remember each other. Your child will remember his 9th party if you ignore him an he has a dreadful time because of the other kid

Empress13 · 10/03/2026 23:23

its your sons birthday would you rather spoil it for him rather than some nasty boy ? Ask yourself

stickydough · 10/03/2026 23:23

Iloveluna · 10/03/2026 22:28

Do not reach out to the mum and explain. Seriously

Show quote history

Why? I can’t imagine not doing this. They have a friendly relationship, the child has been previously always invited, and this woman has wondered why her son doesn’t get invited to play dates. It just feels like basic decency in terms of the adult relationship.

TheOccupier · 10/03/2026 23:32

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:34

Thanks for the opinions so far. The comments are not matching the vote scoring at all 🙈**

Didn't vote as options are unclear. You are unreasonable not to take your son's side and to allow him to be bullied since reception. You would not be unreasonable to exclude the little shit from the party.

I hope they won't be at the same secondary school?

Ella31 · 10/03/2026 23:36

Obviously exluding is hard but you cant invite a kid who is bullying your son to his birthday party. The fact that your ds is being open with you about this is huge and you want that to continue. He trusts you and you as his parent are his safe space. I cant imagine how he'd feel if you went against him on this. And tbh all feelings aside, I'd be damned if anyone who was belittling my child got anywhere near him if I could help it.

OldForANewMum · 10/03/2026 23:37

I'm totally with the majority and will say you must back your son. It's fantastic that he's been brave enough to set this boundary with you - support him in enforcing it.
I think it's a shame, if you have had discussions about the relationship/ behaviour at parents' evening, that you don't appear to have ever tried to do anything about it before now (e.g. by addressing it with the mum since you clearly know her - and I don't mean by having a go at her, I mean by talking to her and trying to get to the bottom of it/ influence it). However, you haven't - so it's going to come to a head now inevitably because the child isn't getting invited to your son's party.
I do think it's right to address it with the mum now (given you know her) - that's what I would do and it's also what I would want if I was her, to at least be prepared to help manage the impact on my child of not being invited.
More generally, horrible though it is I would rather know if my child is behaving problematically, and have the chance to help them through it to hopefully behave better/ become a better friend.
What I strongly disagree with is those throwing 'the b word' about as if it's nothing. To me, the word 'bullying' implies actual intent on the part of the bully. It's possible here that such intent exists, but it's also possible the child really doesn't understand the impact of their actions fully for whatever reason. The child is 9, it's still very young. Some might say 'old enough to know better' and I do have some sympathy with that, but every child is different. If, for example, the child is struggling with undiagnosed and/or unsupported ADHD, that wouldn't make me think their behaviour is OK as the impact on your son is the same and as I said at the start, your son absolutely deserves to be supported. But it would make me have more sympathy for both the other child and his mum/ parents, and NOT brand him as 'a bully'.
But the main thing is - support your son. What on earth message does it send him if you are going to force him to invite somebody to his birthday party when he's been SO clear with you it will ruin it for him? No, you are his safety and security. Don't take that away from him.
(P.S. depending on maturity of your son, I might be inclined to have an 'are you sure' conversation with him to play out possible consequences in age appropriate language - e.g. what if X is upset with you and doesn't want to play with you any more, etc - but as I say, depending how you think your son will take it. And if the whole thing DOES cause ructions - be prepared to continue to support your son. There is no reason he should suffer being on the receiving end of what amounts to abusive behaviour just to avoid the possible fallout of setting a boundary. But that doesn't mean it's always going to be easy to set and hold the boundary...)

Mum8686 · 10/03/2026 23:37

Dd Insisted on leaving someone out once, a really old friend who could be a bit boisterous and unkind. It was really embarrassing to face her mum afterwards. What was worse was that they were friends again the next week. Dd would have been really upset to be left out like that if the tables were turned.

snackatack · 10/03/2026 23:45

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:34

Thanks for the opinions so far. The comments are not matching the vote scoring at all 🙈**

Well partly because you haven't made it clear what you are asking.. you say 'please help me decide what to do' not ...

You are being unreasonable - Listen to your son and exclude the boy
You are not being unreasonable - Invite the boy - Ignore your son

OR

You are being unreasonable - Don't leave the poor boy out
You are not being unreasonable - You must listen to your son

I think depending on your stance reading your opener it is possible you could take the vote either way

Personally I feel you should not invite the boy. (and clicked you are being unreasonable)

BrickProblems · 10/03/2026 23:46

Back your son, definitely. I remember doing the same at my own birthday party as a kid and it would have absolutely wrecked my day if that child had been there being a dick to me.

Unfortunately this boy is going to have to learn to be nicer to people.

BellaBlueee · 10/03/2026 23:54

Your son is old enough to know what he wants and I would support his.

But, I think he is also old enough to know that this action could have irreparable consequences in the friendship group going forward. I would absolutely support his decision whilst also talking to him on what could potentially happen in the group.