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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to exclude 1 child from friendship group from DS party??

318 replies

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:21

Please help me out here...
DS is turning 9 in a few weeks and we have a party booked for up to 12 people. Currently at 10 with numbers.
DS is quiet and lacks confidence a little, but has a really lovely tight-knit group of boy mates. There is 1 child in their group of 8 friends, who since reception he hasn't got on with.
This boy will consistently laugh at DS's work, belittle him if he answers questions wrong, hit him and push him over 'playfully' etc. DS has come to write his invites tonight and said he doesn't want to invite this boy. He is absolutely adamant and not backing down.
He said he will ruin his birthday and he makes him uncomfortable. But my heart kind of breaks as he will know he is being excluded and it's not sitting right with me. DS has said if I invite him he would rather not have a party (already paid the deposit) And I don't know what to do.
I've never seen him so certain of a decision. But I also know how he and I would feel if the boot were on the other foot and it were him being excluded... something I've tried to explain to him but he keeps saying he doesn't care, he doesn't want him to to.
I get on with this boys mum pretty well too. She isnt a close friend, but we always stop and chat and we message off and on, she's really nice. I really don't think she thinks her son does anything wrong. Other parents definitely do see it as it's spoken about quite regularly.
Please help me decide what to do...

OP posts:
Glitterbaby17 · 10/03/2026 21:23

I think leaving one out is awkward, but your son also shouldn’t have to incite someone who makes him uncomfortable. Is there a way to adjust the booking to just be for him and his best one or two friends? Then one single child isn’t excluded.

Worrieddancemum · 10/03/2026 21:25

@Glitterbaby17 why should he have to reduce his party to minimise upset of someone who’s unkind to him?! That’s ridiculous!

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/03/2026 21:25

9 is more than old enough to know that if you aren't nice to someone, they aren't going to want you at their birthday party.

I'd fully support your son in not inviting him.

RonaldMcDonaldTrump · 10/03/2026 21:25

Have you done anything to address the other boy's behaviour eg raising it with the teacher to have a word? You absolutely should do that especially if hitting and name calling is involved, maybe that would help to curb the bad behaviour and he can be a better friend to your DS and maybe he would be more willing to have him there

smilingatthesun · 10/03/2026 21:26

Your son is adamant he doesnt want him there cos he belittled him and hits and pushes him. You son has voiced that he will be uncomfortable. Sorry but id be on my sons side. It seems that your are putting your son's feelings to a side in favour of this other child.

KTheGrey · 10/03/2026 21:27

It’s your DS’s birthday. It seems unfair that he should have to invite somebody he doesn’t like who sounds like he bullies him. And it will send the message to your son that you don’t respect his feelings or preferences.

parietal · 10/03/2026 21:30

if there are 12 at the party and 8 in the group of friends, presumably DS is inviting some others who aren't in this 'tight group'? Friendship groups change and it might be good for DS to widen his group of friends, and at the same time move away from the kid who is being unkind.

as long as you aren't inviting the whole class except one kid, I think it is fine to follow your DS's wishes.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 10/03/2026 21:31

Would you invite someone who bullies you to your birthday party/drinks/dinner? Empower him to stand up for himself.

REDB99 · 10/03/2026 21:31

This is tricky but I agree that at 9 your son knows how he feels and the other child is old enough to know that being unkind has consequences. This isn’t a 5 year old declaring they don’t like someone one week and being best friends the next.

I’m leaning towards supporting your son. He needs to know he can trust you when he talks about his feelings. It won’t be long before birthdays in his group reduce to 3 or 4 closer friends. My DD is 9 and most kids now seem to invite a handful of closer friends rather than whole class or bigger groups.

JSMill · 10/03/2026 21:32

You should listen to your ds. He has every right to enjoy his birthday. What is the point of having a party and inviting someone that your ds has said will spoil it?!

Original poster
Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:32

parietal · 10/03/2026 21:30

if there are 12 at the party and 8 in the group of friends, presumably DS is inviting some others who aren't in this 'tight group'? Friendship groups change and it might be good for DS to widen his group of friends, and at the same time move away from the kid who is being unkind.

as long as you aren't inviting the whole class except one kid, I think it is fine to follow your DS's wishes.

It's their group of 8, plus DS's 2 brothers (so 10 in total but we can have up to 12).
The group of 8 are rarely ever split up, they've been really close from reception to now (year 4). It's just this 1 boy that my DS doesn't get along with out of their group

OP posts:
Anewuser · 10/03/2026 21:32

I work in a primary school so see this quite regularly.

Please listen to your son. Whilst we teach children to be tolerant, they shouldn’t have to suffer humiliation (which is possibly how your son feels).

It’s his party, he should invite who he wants.

I suspect it’s not only your son who is treated unkindly, and therefore the other children may appreciate this child not being invited as well.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 10/03/2026 21:33

If you haven't raised this behaviour with the school, the mum of bully boy is going to be rather shocked at no invite. And the bully hasn't had an opportunity to change

You can't force your son to invite him.

I guess you'll just have to see how it pans out

Original poster
Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:34

Thanks for the opinions so far. The comments are not matching the vote scoring at all 🙈**

OP posts:
DailyEnergyCrisis · 10/03/2026 21:36

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:34

Thanks for the opinions so far. The comments are not matching the vote scoring at all 🙈**

I think the voting doesn’t match as the title doesn’t align with the body of the post so it’s hard to know which view you consider unreasonable.

Iris2020 · 10/03/2026 21:36

It would be awful to force your son to invite the boy. Your poor son! It would be like gifting him a poison apple for his birthday. Leave the bully out.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 10/03/2026 21:38

Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:34

Thanks for the opinions so far. The comments are not matching the vote scoring at all 🙈**

I can't vote on the app on an android phone

ChangeAgainAgainAgain · 10/03/2026 21:38

Have you any actual evidence of this other child being unkind to your son than your son's say so (or his friends saying so to their parents). Often the one accused as a bully is the one actually being bullied, and wanting to exclude one out of eight friends is definitely bullying behaviour.

Original poster
Louisa80s · 10/03/2026 21:43

ChangeAgainAgainAgain · 10/03/2026 21:38

Have you any actual evidence of this other child being unkind to your son than your son's say so (or his friends saying so to their parents). Often the one accused as a bully is the one actually being bullied, and wanting to exclude one out of eight friends is definitely bullying behaviour.

Edited

Yes, quite a bit over the last few years. I would say calling it bullying feels a little extreme because I think it's just this boys personality. He is very boisterous, thinks he is the class clown but doesn't realise how his comments can bring others down. It was parents evening last week and his teacher said that my DS rarely puts his hand up, I explained that its because he lives in fear of being laughed at by said child. He said yes, I am very aware of this and it's been raised on numerous occasions with him that it's unkind. I can assure you my son is anything but a bully - he is just a little fed up i guess

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 10/03/2026 21:45

“it's been raised on numerous occasions with him that it's unkind”

Amd yet, he doesn’t stop. Is this really a boy you want to compel your child to have to his party?

DailyEnergyCrisis · 10/03/2026 21:46

So you don’t think your child is being bullied, but at the same time “lives in fear of being laughed at”? Where’s the logic here?

MCF86 · 10/03/2026 21:47

8/9 is old enough to recognise that the way you treat someone will influence how they treat you in turn. If I knew 100% that this behaviour was happening and had been ongoing for a while, I wouldn't make my child invite them. I might feel bad about leaving them out, but if that kid was consistently unkind to mine he doesn't deserve the invitation.

However, it's also possible it could cause a bigger falling out between the two and there are no guarantees that the other six won't take sides!

herbalteabag · 10/03/2026 21:47

I think it should be your son's choice. You seem to be more focused on the boy and his mum feeling left out than your son having a less enjoyable birthday. I suspect you don't want the awkwardness of not inviting him?
Which is a legitimate feeling, because it's hard, but you say they haven't got on for several years, so it's not just a passing argument.
What happens every other year? Or does your son not usually have a party?

skippy67 · 10/03/2026 21:47

I'd have absolutely no problem not inviting him. When my dd was 7, she decided she didn't want one kid from her class at her party. All other kids were invited, except this one kid. Be turned up anyway which was a tad awkward...

crazeekat · 10/03/2026 21:48

It’s a hard one but I think u need to go with ur son’s wishes. He trusts you to protect him and he has been confident enough to tell u how he feels.
I think you need to speak to the other mum and maybe explain a bit more and say something liked just now Peter and paul are not getting on so well, and he doesn’t really want to spend any time with him so he has already stated who he wants at him party and unfortunately it doesn’t include ur son.