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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

284 replies

Bigorangeballoons · 09/03/2026 22:52

This could be a little complex so I’ll give some background first.
I have 4 DC, 2 with my ex husband. My 2 eldest with my ex are 22 and 19. We divorced when they were 6 and 9. My Ex is French and we lived in London, both of our children attended a French language school. For 2 years we both lived local to the school but the area was very expensive. DS decided at 11 he wanted to go to a “normal school”. Stupidly my ex and I agreed DD would live with him as the primary parent and I would move further out for DS to go to secondary school. I then had 2 more children. DD continued living with her dad and going to French school. Upon reflection I should never have left DD with her dad, at first I had her every weekend then by the time she was 11/12 every other weekend and she spent most of it at her hobbies. Ex spoiled her rotten, she was his little princess. He never really spoiled DS the same and they have a very strained relationship as a result while DS and I are very close. Ex bought DD the newest iPhone at 11, upgraded it often, she had a MacBook at 12, let her spend stupid amounts of money on clothes, took her to loads of gigs, took her on trips alone (snowboarding mostly as DS never enjoyed snow sports), paid for all her hobbies. Apparently she was golden for her dad, never misbehaved etc. But with me she was a nightmare, she’d get so stroppy, ignored curfews, constantly shouted at my now husband that he isn’t her dad and he shouldn’t even talk to her as a result. Punishment rarely worked as by Sunday night she was back at her dads and being spoiled again.
When she was 16, my ex told me he was moving back to France and wanted to take DD with him. I didn’t want this to happen but eventually I gave in and let her move with him, mainly as I felt if I said no she would be horrific to live with and view me as the reason and it would break our already tense relationship entirely.

She is a clever girl, did really well in school, settled down with her behaviour a lot after moving when she would come back to visit. She started university in France in the autumn but dropped out. Her dad now pays for a flat which she shares with her 22 year old boyfriend. She doesn’t work, doesn’t study, she is in a band, who write their own music and do play some very small gigs but it’s not making money. She messages me and I have tried to visit her alone without my husband or other children but the last 2 times I’ve done this once in the summer I got all the way there and only met up with her for a meal one night, she was busy or ‘ill’ the other 2 days. Then just before Christmas she again met up with me to trade presents but only for dinner one night, apparently again too busy to see me on the other days.

My older son went to see her and their dad over the weekend and today when he got home he told me her life is “a mess”. Apparently she is smoking loads, drinking loads, spends her days just messing about and has no plans to go back to uni. Her dad is paying her rent, he gives her an allowance to buy whatever she wants etc. Apparently her dad fully supports her and her “boyfriend and band mates” and they are all just following the creative process!

I have no idea what to do, her dad won’t talk to me and I have a feeling anything I said to DD would be ignored. I feel like I messed up by ever letting her live with her dad full time as he is clearly an incompetent parent.

AIBU to feel I have failed her? What do I do? Is there even anything I can do?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/03/2026 22:55

I understand your frustration but she’s an adult. Plenty of people waste time in their late teens/early twenties. All is not lost.

FreshInks · 09/03/2026 22:57

You did what you thought was best at the time, even if it turned out to be have been a mistake.

She is an adult and you have to allow her to make her own mistakes. It’s very possible that she would have been like this anyway even if she had stayed with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2026 23:00

No advice but I’m sorry you’re so worried about her 💐

90sTrifle · 09/03/2026 23:24

You’re kind of out of the picture. You just have to continue letting her Dad support her whilst she’s trying to make-it with the band! That’s probably all she cares about right now. The band and having fun.

She’ll grow-up at some point.

FrippEnos · 09/03/2026 23:33

Just as a counter point.

You left her with her Dad, moved, got remarried, had 2 more children and generally got on with your life.

From the sound of it she had a good childhood with her dad that you somewhat begrude.

And now want a controlling part of her life.

Where as the best thing that you could do is watch and support her.

Also your elder child son needs to keep his nose out of it, and stop telling tales and you should stop encouraging him in doing so.

ShakeNCake · 09/03/2026 23:40

I think she has it made! How many kids are able to be financially supported by a parent while they live their dream! I wouldn't begrudge her that. Either the band takes off, or it becomes a hobby and she moves on a little older and wiser. And she'll have her dad to help her pay her way into more training or she'll get a job.

XelaM · 09/03/2026 23:51

FrippEnos · 09/03/2026 23:33

Just as a counter point.

You left her with her Dad, moved, got remarried, had 2 more children and generally got on with your life.

From the sound of it she had a good childhood with her dad that you somewhat begrude.

And now want a controlling part of her life.

Where as the best thing that you could do is watch and support her.

Also your elder child son needs to keep his nose out of it, and stop telling tales and you should stop encouraging him in doing so.

All of this.

You're the bad parent here. Just leave her alone. She has a lovely father by the sounds of it.

pinkdelight · 10/03/2026 05:44

She’s young and having a good time by the sounds of it. Could be so much worse given the issues of splitting between the parents and all the resentments and comparisons involved. She’s lucky her dad can support her and agree you need to stay out of it and stop judging. You’ve made mistakes and can’t fix them now. She might well be fine. Making music instead of going to uni isn’t wasting her life and it’s quite old school to be so disapproving of that. All the talk of MacBooks, snowboarding and spoilt little princess is horrible given that you moved away and favoured your DS who now slags her off with you. You made your choices so own them and let her make different ones.

Octavia64 · 10/03/2026 05:49

It doesn’t sound like you are really in her life.

she lived with her dad and went to uni in a foreign country as a result.

lots of people in their early adulthood struggle to find their way and the drop out rates at French universities are very high.

maybe she’ll restart maybe she won’t.

either way this is not really your circus as clearly when you and her dad split she stayed with him.

BIossomtoes · 10/03/2026 05:52

Maybe you and your son should mind your own business and stop being so judgemental @Bigorangeballoons.

MulberryFresser · 10/03/2026 05:53

She is living her best life- French people are more forgiving of young people not finding their direction etc than UK folk. French school, lives in France, has French friends and father - she will eventually find her path. She is also an adult so it’s time to let her adult if she isn’t harming herself/other people. Your life is in England now.

HappyClapper100 · 10/03/2026 05:54

Why did you have to move away for your son to go to school?

keepswimming38 · 10/03/2026 06:01

I agree with the poster that said you moved on, moved away, restarted your life, had more kids and now want control. It’s too late. Parenting isn’t being detached for years then suddenly rocking up. If she sat in front of a counsellor and talked it through I bet it wouldn’t be long before the words ‘abandoned’ and ‘replaced’ cropped up.

LemonPenguin · 10/03/2026 06:05

I’m not sure what you think you could do OP? I agree her father just bankrolling her isn’t really helping- she needs to learn to be independent. But you haven’t been that big a presence in her life during her most formative years, so I don’t think you can expect to have any influence over her now she’s a young adult.

SulkySeagull · 10/03/2026 06:07

Wow OP. Imagine if this was written by a dad who had left his daughter with the mum and moved away and remarried. The dad hasn’t done anything wrong in this situation, he raised your daughter how he saw fit while the mum was pretty much out of the picture.

Also, she’s in her early 20s in a band and not working - this was most of my friends when I was 22 and living in a city in the UK. They all turned out to be normal hardworking adults down the line. It’s not a bad thing.

Userxyd · 10/03/2026 06:12

Agree with PPs and would just add how TF have you not “managed” to see her more regularly? Leave your new kids at home and just physically show up more often. Even if it’s just lunch with you being encouraging about her band it will prove to her you care, you’re interested, you’re sorry for neglecting her and you want to put the effort in to repair your relationship. It’s never too late to start healing but you have to accept your role in this. Having new kids with new husband obviously sucked up your time when DD was growing up and then moving to a new country (maybe like a second home but different matter to move there) and you just let her cope without you.
She must’ve really missed you all that time and must be so hurt and angry, not to mention the initial hurt from you and her dad splitting up, but you need to fix this now so she can heal and you can both enjoy your relationship again.

MissingSockDetective · 10/03/2026 06:19

Sadly, in her eyes at least, you did sort of abandoned her for your new family when you moved. She wasn't really a part of that then and she isn't now. Lots of people do make a career out of being in a band and it could lead to other music related roles in future. Have you had the chance to see her band play?

Tontostitis · 10/03/2026 06:20

XelaM · 09/03/2026 23:51

All of this.

You're the bad parent here. Just leave her alone. She has a lovely father by the sounds of it.

Show quote history

Dud we read the same post? What a nasty and unfairly harsh post.

mindutopia · 10/03/2026 06:23

She’s 22. She needs to find her way in the world. At her age, I’d dropped out of a prestigious uni and was living with my heroin addict boyfriend in a shitty flat above a drug dealer driving a delivery truck as a job. I ended up going back to uni, getting my degree, then a master’s and a PhD. I have had a very good 20 years career, lovely (non-heroin addict) Dh, big beautiful home, very nice lifestyle.

She needs to find her way. Keep the communication channels open, but do less forcing of yourself on her. She needs to want the relationship, not have it be imposed. What I would do is insist your ex also keeps open communication with you so you can work together to support her.

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 10/03/2026 06:27

Sounds a brilliant way to spend her twenties! Hopefully, she'll find some ambition and settle on a career later on.

KidsAndDogsGalore · 10/03/2026 06:35

You made the decision to let her live with her dad and then move to France. It's hard now, but at the time it felt right. So don't dwell on it.
Also, from your post, she has support, she has direction and is just being a young woman living her llife, exploring and having fun. It might not be what you envisaged for her, but you said yourself she might have done similar if stayed in the UK. Would you have been able to support her?

HelmholtzWatson · 10/03/2026 06:38

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/03/2026 22:55

I understand your frustration but she’s an adult. Plenty of people waste time in their late teens/early twenties. All is not lost.

First post nails it.

You left the parenting up to him, and now seem to want to blame hm for the consequences - You should do a bit more self-reflection before blaming her and her father.

CrazyGoatLady · 10/03/2026 06:38

I get that this isn't the life you'd imagined for her. She won't be the first young adult to doss about a bit in her 20s. She may get bored of it at some stage when she grows up a bit. At least she has her dad as a safety net, so she's not going to run out of money to pay bills, her basic needs are taken care of. She's not going to end up doing sex work or moving in with dodgy men like some of the teenage runaways I used to meet when I worked with kids in care. It's not ideal, but try not to panic too much. It sounds like she's had a good education as a foundation and she can go to uni later if she decides the life of the romantic starving artist in the garret living on Gauloises and red wine isn't for her.

From your DD's perspective, she wasn't your priority when she was growing up. You honestly sound resentful of the opportunities she got. It's quite normal for 11/12 year olds to have hobbies they do on weekends, and not be spending all their time with a parent and younger siblings. It was also quite nasty of your eldest to come and "report back" about his sister in that way. She may well be a daddy's girl and be a bit spoilt, but he's evidently mummy's boy, so both you and your ex have a favourite child and both of you seem to have compensated for the favouritism of the other parent. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and all.

Randomuser2026 · 10/03/2026 06:49

FrippEnos · 09/03/2026 23:33

Just as a counter point.

You left her with her Dad, moved, got remarried, had 2 more children and generally got on with your life.

From the sound of it she had a good childhood with her dad that you somewhat begrude.

And now want a controlling part of her life.

Where as the best thing that you could do is watch and support her.

Also your elder child son needs to keep his nose out of it, and stop telling tales and you should stop encouraging him in doing so.

She didn’t have a good childhood though, did she?

Her father has completely spoiled her, and now she has utterly failed to launch- that’s actually a disaster!

Also the snide “telling tales” comment about the brother is quite obviously projection. If you get angry when others aren’t prepared to run with your narrative then maybe you need to start behaving like an adult.

Zanatdy · 10/03/2026 06:50

There is nothing you can do. Your ex will continue to finance her no matter what you say, and as a result of this, she can just bum around. This is on him, not you, and if you start commenting on her life in a negative way she will pull away even more. She’s a grown adult now and can make her own decisions. Just stay in touch and hope she will eventually realise she wants more out of life.

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