I think my DD is wasting her life away and Ex is enabling it

[Bigorangeballoons]

This could be a little complex so I’ll give some background first.
I have 4 DC, 2 with my ex husband. My 2 eldest with my ex are 22 and 19. We divorced when they were 6 and 9. My Ex is French and we lived in London, both of our children attended a French language school. For 2 years we both lived local to the school but the area was very expensive. DS decided at 11 he wanted to go to a “normal school”. Stupidly my ex and I agreed DD would live with him as the primary parent and I would move further out for DS to go to secondary school. I then had 2 more children. DD continued living with her dad and going to French school. Upon reflection I should never have left DD with her dad, at first I had her every weekend then by the time she was 11/12 every other weekend and she spent most of it at her hobbies. Ex spoiled her rotten, she was his little princess. He never really spoiled DS the same and they have a very strained relationship as a result while DS and I are very close. Ex bought DD the newest iPhone at 11, upgraded it often, she had a MacBook at 12, let her spend stupid amounts of money on clothes, took her to loads of gigs, took her on trips alone (snowboarding mostly as DS never enjoyed snow sports), paid for all her hobbies. Apparently she was golden for her dad, never misbehaved etc. But with me she was a nightmare, she’d get so stroppy, ignored curfews, constantly shouted at my now husband that he isn’t her dad and he shouldn’t even talk to her as a result. Punishment rarely worked as by Sunday night she was back at her dads and being spoiled again.
When she was 16, my ex told me he was moving back to France and wanted to take DD with him. I didn’t want this to happen but eventually I gave in and let her move with him, mainly as I felt if I said no she would be horrific to live with and view me as the reason and it would break our already tense relationship entirely.

She is a clever girl, did really well in school, settled down with her behaviour a lot after moving when she would come back to visit. She started university in France in the autumn but dropped out. Her dad now pays for a flat which she shares with her 22 year old boyfriend. She doesn’t work, doesn’t study, she is in a band, who write their own music and do play some very small gigs but it’s not making money. She messages me and I have tried to visit her alone without my husband or other children but the last 2 times I’ve done this once in the summer I got all the way there and only met up with her for a meal one night, she was busy or ‘ill’ the other 2 days. Then just before Christmas she again met up with me to trade presents but only for dinner one night, apparently again too busy to see me on the other days.

My older son went to see her and their dad over the weekend and today when he got home he told me her life is “a mess”. Apparently she is smoking loads, drinking loads, spends her days just messing about and has no plans to go back to uni. Her dad is paying her rent, he gives her an allowance to buy whatever she wants etc. Apparently her dad fully supports her and her “boyfriend and band mates” and they are all just following the creative process!

I have no idea what to do, her dad won’t talk to me and I have a feeling anything I said to DD would be ignored. I feel like I messed up by ever letting her live with her dad full time as he is clearly an incompetent parent.

AIBU to feel I have failed her? What do I do? Is there even anything I can do?

where has the ex been hostile?

She may be wasting her life, in your opinion- but she's an adult so it's her life to waste.

I wouldn't be too worried for now. We're in France: upper secondary school here (lycée) is very intense and relentless and then university (if she was at a university not classes préparatoires) is totally hands-off especially in the first couple of years. Typically all contact time is huge lectures, no individual contact with any academics, it's completely sink or swim. (On the plus side it is practically free.) As a result it is really really common for people to drop out, in fact the universities sort of rely on it, they don't actually have space for anything like the number of people they accept. I would leave her be for now in terms of her life and choices but work on your relationships. Her behaviour in agreeing to see you but then hardly being "available" -- makes it sound to me as if she is quite angry with you underneath; that she has felt rejected by you so needs to show she can reject you too. If there's any way to spend time calm, unstructured time with her and show that you love and accept her as she is, that might in the end be healing for you both. If she is completely bilingual that's actually a huge career plus in France.

Sounds like she's having a great time. As long as daddy is prepared to support her for the rest of her life whilst she dosses around and does fun stuff, more power to her. If she can do that, why not? Why work if you don't have to? We only get one life, if her daddy is happy to fund her life then she should enjoy her life. We all end up in the ground and everything is meaningless in the end anyway.

We only pick on people who do this because we can't do it ourselves. Jealousy isn't a good look.

Bitter, much.

Yes this is a good point. Posters here may not realise that Grandes Ecoles aside, French universities are essentially non-selective so they start the year with over-filled lecture halls, and use student drop out as a kind of de facto self-selection.

So she’s a rich French girl, living in France, and doing rich Bohemian French girl things. Not uncommon at all. If she’s inclined and able to do it, there’s really no better time.

Maybe she’ll always have access to the wealth necessary to fund this, maybe she won’t. Maybe she’ll get bored and become serious in the way you want her to, or maybe she won’t. She’s an adult though, and it’s her life to lead. She’s not going to
listen to a disapproving mother she has a distant relationship with with.

In all likelihood she will be fine though, most emerge into ‘respectable’ adulthood with no harm done.

Ok mum

Some of the comments on here have made my blood boil. I don't think many people know anything about bilingual marriages or bilingual childen. I am British but bilingual French. I am married to a Frenchman so he is the opposite. We have 4 kids all educated in English or French medium in 8 different countries. The eldest spent the most time using English. No 2 50/50, No 3 mainly French and 4 all French. All 4 speak both languages and often sit around table have a discussion in both languages at the same time.
Apart from all that, daughters usually like Dad's best (unless the modern view of things has changed( which could be part of the 'problem' and Dad's usually spoil girls more than boys. Opposite for boy/Mum relationships.
I think you did the very best you could. The ex had DD's life organised so there was no time for you. You are being accused of being an uncaring parent to DD but it sounds like Ex was uncaring to DS. You haven't mentioned whether he has a second family which would be interesting to know.
The other thing you haven't mentioned is whether the very posh Lycee in South Ken turns out kids from Secondary Moderns outside central London.
Please ignore the snydy comments, we are virtually on another planet!