Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Just be aware now ‘he has his own place’ your home doesn’t become the dumping ground of piss head central and eat you out if house and home (apart from wrecking the place).

I can see this chap using this an excuse to bring his friends around at all times of night and say well you wanted me to spend more time with you…

please wrap yourself with your support network…

OP don’t be embarrassed l. You made a mistake, we’ve all made them. It’s how you move forward that’s important.
Please speak to a solicitor first and see about getting your deposit ring fenced. And then decide if you want to buy him out or sell.

He sounds like an absolute cunt tbh. He expects you to ask to spend time in him? Who the fuck does he think he is?

Sometimes in life you have to cut your losses to move forward and this is that time. Please don’t allow him to reel you back in. Draw a line under this chapter and make a better life away from this prick

Tell him you're clearly not compatible, ask him to leave.

I’m so glad you’ve realised you need to get out @Modernop

Just be prepared for all the backtracking once he thinks you are leaving.

It may be a slog but you can do this and never again will you be subjected to his mistreatment of you.

I’m so angry and disappointed for you.

You absolutely need to go, and do so ASAP. Is there any way at all that you can buy him out? Any family that could lend you the money, or can you remortgage? You may lose out now, but your position is getting worse every day while his is getting better. So leave, even if you have to sell the house and take a financial hit.

It sounds like you have different attachment styles. You're looking for a different kind of partnership where you contribute equally, he's present and you spend quality time together. It sounds to me from your posts like you might have a slightly anxious attachment style. (I don't think anything you want is unreasonable by the way, but the way you describe how you express yourself to him is giving me anxious attachment vibes). He sounds more avoidant and like he wants to be free to do his own thing, unencumbered by another person's neediness. Therefore, his aloofness will trigger you and your neediness will trigger him and it won't end well unless some changes are made.

Based on your last post, it's really good that you've come to the realization that the two of you are not compatible. You can now figure out how to extricate yourself.

You can definitely come back from this and learn from this for the future. Don't commit to someone unless they are consistent, seem interested in you over a long period of time, pull their weight and they care about your wellbeing. It might be a good idea to do some therapy to work on why you thought this relationship was acceptable to make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes. Good luck, OP!

Nah, he's an arsehole.

A good partner is your safe space (most of the time!) and shouldn't be the source of your worries and upset. They should be your comfort when the rest of the world out there is challenging!

He’s telling you he has the power. You do not. You want him to ‘help’ with ‘your’ tasks as his female servant? You’d better beg.

This is how you want to live?

You need to get out of this relationship.
He conned you.
He's a user.

Yes its painful but nothing as bad as throwing your life away.
Talk to a domestic abuse charity.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Find the paperwork and get legal advice.
Buy him out or sell it.

But get this abusive prick out of your life.

OP, you must work through how best to move forward. This is your life and you make the decisions for you. I can only tell you what I would do based on my life experience. It seems you are now realising that this relationship will not work for you. Many people hit that realisation after something they have been moving toward doesn’t solve underlying issues. We tell ourselves that the baby, the wedding or the new house will mean a positive future. Feel no shame for that but don’t get into sunk costs trying make it work and sticking around for ages if your gut tells you it won’t.

From here work out what’s best practically- can you afford to buy him out, is it best to sell now, or at the first point that makes sense. Then big girl pants and tell him how you see it playing out. It is enough to end any relationship with the words, ‘I’m so sorry, it’s just not working for me, I’m not happy’. Find your version of this and that is your mantra, don’t get into details, insist that your mind won’t be changed, just repeat, ‘it’s not working for me’ - then repeat the practical way forward. Do not get drawn in, keep moving toward the future in your conversation. See how that goes. Don’t do this if you are scared of him, perhaps do it with someone there?

Be prepared to leave. I had a similar relationship ending and I left that after the conversation to stay with a friend- I had a bag in the car and just walked after giving the news. I offered to buy out, I begged and borrowed, and had a year or two living on beans on toast, worth it. My ex pissed all that money up the wall and a year later had nothing to show…he had to move in with his dad, bloody hard to watch. Like your situation we were not financially compatible (+behaviour issues) and I knew there was no future. I should have got out sooner…

So just yesterday alone: he saw you crying enquired what’s wrong and when you told him he belittled you again and put the blame back on you (you don’t have hobbies and have to beg him for his time ?);
he mock laughed at you;
and was shouting at you so loud the neighbours could hear?
all in one night?

he is a scary scary man…

I truly hope you can safely extract yourself from this situation …

perhaps you could go back to your family or trusted friend or Airbnb to stay for a week under the pretext of some important urgent issue or health issue or something else. During that time you could calmly plan your safe exit plan?

also since you can work remotely- that gives you flexibility.

I agree with other poster who predict that he is going to get worse after he learns your plans to leave. (After all if he is so nasty day to day , what he will be like when he knows he can’t get his daily dose of abuse out?)
You need to be strategic careful and have real life support for your exit - it all takes time to plan
After all that is over - book yourself a holiday somewhere nice if you can and be relieved that you had a lucky escape

Gosh. All these men with their hobbies.

This is reminding me if the AIBU (I think) a few weeks ago from the woman with the 2 children with disabilities and the husband who doesn't bother helping that then threw a hissy fit at their 9 year old daughter. He's out all hours with his hobby. And this boyfriend has a new hobby does he?

Good oh. The more he's out the more chance you have to

a) collect together your items and sever any joint financial products. Please do not enter into a joint bank account with this man.

b) consult with the links on refuge etc and advice on financial abuse. Remember, you put down 70% of the deposit. Not him. It's YOUR money, honey.

c) once you've picked a time, him being out gives you ample opportunity to get the locks changed. Take advice on if this is possible for a co owner maybe.

Id be tempted to smash up his Xbox but that's just me.

Anyhoo Weaponised incompetence! someone mentioned it upthread. The woman who was being violently ill in early pregnancy but was still working full days unlike her husband, and doing all the chores, but whose husband ate ALL the cake shed bought as a punishment.he was also a hobbyist too iirc

Attachment styles are irrelevant here IMO and nothing the OP has said has suggested she is either anxious or needy, and nothing to suggest an ‘anxious attachment style’. Please do not lay any blame at her feet for his inexcusable behaviour. She is in quite a vulnerable position in a relationship with a man who is intimidating, belittling, and actually has the potential to be quite dangerous.

You’ve NOTHING to be embarrassed about. You’re a kind, loving person and his loss. Please do what’s right for you now. We’ve all been there at some point. The main point is to live and learn. It won’t be a smooth ride but get planning how to get out mow. Fuck him, he brought it all on himself.

Different circumstances but there’s wonderful thread by Gingerload - Blindsided by H. She has the best attitude and rides above it all, letting her ex dig his own hole.

wishing you the very, very best. You’ll thank yoursepf in the future by dumping his arse. Grey rock all the way!

Oh jeez girl, this is really, really bad.
Don't overthink this. You need to split and sell now.
Getting over the embarrassment (as you said you'd feel embarrassed) and hoo ha now is far better than an abusive relationship for the next 20 years.
I'm so glad you posted on here so we can save you a wasted, unhappy life.

Because they’re just petulant toddlers in a man’s body. They don’t want to grow up so they throw their teddies out the pram when anyone criticises them.

He's a narc. Showing his true colours now he feels he has you trapped.

Abusing and gaslighting you.

Narcs also cheat. This I where he could be. It comes out years later. Run now.

My ex was the same. I looked at him when he moved back in with his mum after blowing all his money and just thought "you had everything and you blew it". He had gone full circle and was right back where he started.

@Modernop

Please ignore this guff.

You will cling to posts like this and think there’s a chance, he can change etc and you are ignoring that he is really genuinely abusive.

He shows your contempt. There is no return once you’ve reached this stage.

Make a plan and stick to it. You may lose SOME money but it will be worth it to be free.

@Modernop

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

This is more helpful and accurate

Honestly he sounds immature. It’s not acceptable to be out all the time especially when you’ve just moved in together, was he like this when you lived at his moms? You sound incredibly lonely & think the pressure of your need to have him around is stifling him also. If anyone was to move to away from their family & friends my first advice would be to get a hobby & try & make new connections. In truth it’s too much to expect one person to provide all your social & emotional needs. He is out excessively which I wouldn’t have been happy with either but on the other hand you do need to take some pro active measures to fill your own time to. The only good advice he’s given you is to get a hobby and sort something. He’s not the one for you & if you split up & when the heartache passes you’ll have learnt some valuable lessons. You’ll know what you’re not looking for in future men & though you’re independent in a practical way you sound over emotionally dependent. This doesn’t negate he’s inconsiderate. However, he sounds like he needs a harsher woman. Someone who can put him in his place and assert her own will and not need him particularly to be available he’s not at the same stage you are, You need a softer man who’s ready to settle down & cuddle up and watch movies

He’s a nasty piece of work and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He thinks he’s got you exactly where he wants you, which is trapped.

Can you buy him out?

Whichever way you play it, you need to leave him, and I don’t say that lightly.

If you don’t, you will have a life of misery.

That post literally is sound advice. It doesn’t suggest she stays with him, the opposite is true. The original post painted one scenario where he was a complete dick. The second scenario actually had the most context of their relationship. The truth is she’s been living in this area for at least several months and she has become wholly reliant on him, she should have tried to carve out a separate life for herself. A choice was made to move by him and with that an understanding that’s she is starting from scratch. He can’t make friends for her, he can’t attend the hobbies she enjoys for her, she has to do this herself and from his reaction he feels stifled by the pressure of her being the only person she has. That is not his fault. However, he is a big twat, he’s selfish, he’s immature and he can’t articulate his feelings like a coherent man. He is a man/child. He’s lashing out & avoiding her instead of sitting her down and telling her exactly how he feels. He lacks empathy & fails to see her perspective. She’s way too mentally advanced for him. She outstrips him in every way. When people criticised her early doors for making excuses, she can see it. She trying not to be this needy woman, but she is by default because she’s isolated. Bad advice is just to say he’s a dickhead and say nothing about how she could help herself in future.

Oh OP, I've read your original posts and updates. This man is abusing you. Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, financial exploitation. He sounds cruel. Please get out now. Run don't walk. Seek some legal advice to try see how you can either solely keep the house or at least get back what you have put in. You can do this. Seek help from family and friends and do not feel ashamed! Abusers rely on their victims feeling too embarrassed or scared to ask for help.
Good luck.