Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP, my DD is in a relationship whereby her BF belittles her for being ‘better’ than him. She is much younger than you it sounds but he is terribly abusive, jealous of her and tries to ruin her. It’s been hell for us all but he’s messed with her head so much she feels so attached to him. Please leave. He’ll only get worse.

@Modernop you really need to speak to a solicitor about the deposit. I think if you can prove you were badly advised on the deposit/prove it came from your account only, then you can say its yours, but please check. Even if you aren't separating, just get your ducks in order.

Also, you said he was in the army. From my experience, this sort of angry behaviour is typical.

OP trust your gut on this and get him out. He sounds like he's selfish at best and abusive at worst. Mental and emotional abuse and also sounding from what you've written to be financially abusive too. It's only a small step or arguement into this turning physical as well. Believe me .I've been there and I wish more than anything that I had trusted my gut feeling initially when it would have been easier to break up.
He thinks very little of you and the derogatory comments and name calling will only escalate

Totally agree. It will all get worse OP get out while you can! I mean pre kids tbh.

Can you pay him back the portion he put in? Also is it big enough for you to rent out a room? So as to minimize extra costs of having to sell and buy another place.

This twat doesn't deserve another six seconds. You can sell your house. Ridiculous to say otherwise. You must say a job move came up unexpectedly if anyone asks.

Better still stop having sex with him and get rid.

Stand up to him instead of tearing up .. make a stand and say " don't ever treat me like this again" because you think I asked wrong.
You shouldn't have to ask .
He is making all those jobs yours to do.
Make a stand or this will be your life .. stand up to him .

This made me feel quite sad. The behaviour you have described is that of a teenage boy not an adult man. You are giving much more than he in every sense. That’s not ok. And it’s not that he appreciates this on any level, instead he uses it as a stick to beat you with. Name calling like this is really not acceptable as he is deliberately creating a dynamic where anything you raise is to be dismissed. It’s the only way he can maintain the status quo of him being pretty limited in how he contributes and somehow feel like he’s top dog. I don’t think this is the basis of a healthy relationship. Your home is supposed to your safe place and your partner the one who builds you up, not tears you down. I think you deserve much better. I do think you should sell. Speak to those you care about to get that real life support. And don’t worry about how it will look, those who care about you will want the best for you. If you’re feeling wobbly, maybe have some therapy to help feel stronger. But I’d really cut your losses now, brighter things lay ahead.

Dear OP, I don't think you've mentioned your age, but you sound young and certainly you are just at the beginning of everything life has to offer you. I will say to you what I would say to my own daughter. This is not what you deserve or should settle for. It's nasty, aggressive and controlling. It's emotionally abusive and will one day be physically abusive. Listen to the words he uses. He does not respect or even like you. And I know there will be times when he is fun or seems loving - and maybe he's great in bed - but this is all just a smokescreen. In reality he wants to control you, your money and your home. You've only just moved in, so you have evidence of what money is yours and his - this becomes much more difficult to untangle in a longer relationship - so act now. Seek proper legal advice. It's possible you might be able to keep your home - without him in it. But if not, you save a bit longer or buy a bit smaller and you get your own, happy, peaceful home, without a monster in it. Get started today, please.

He clearly resents you, and it is only going to get worse. He is trying to "put you in your place" with these comments as he realises that you work so much harder and are doing so much better than him. Please seek legal advice and extricate yourself from this situation, else end up a broken, burnt out shell of youself. And please, never have children with him, else he will use them against you even if you do eventually leave him.

By asking him for 'help' you've just reinforced the idea that you have excepted the position of being his skivvy. He's annoyed that you asked him to 'help' doing your work! Knock that on the head straight away. Make a complete list of all the chores and sit down and pick 50% each.

Absolutely right. You need to establish what you want/how you want to live because this will be it forever. There are men out there who do an equal share and don’t have to measure it so they only do 50%. They do what needs to be done until it’s done. My husband and I do everything together despite him coming from a family where his mother did everything and his father was served. He sees housework and raising kids as our work and I never would have dated him, let alone marry him if he didn’t. All this to say that you are worth more than this so stand up for yourself and if he doesn’t step up break up now. BTW my 2 adult sons also treat their girlfriends equally and behave like their father and my daughter’s boyfriend is another good one and again, comes from a slightly more unequal family.

Why didn't you ringfence your deposit?

My ex was exactly the same as your partner. He started with throwing things (his mobile at the wall), and it just grew and grew.He belittled me, then he started abusing me. He hated me being more educated, more popular, more confident and happy in who I was. He destroyed that over years of abuse. He used to call me spoilt, a snob, stupid. He blamed me for him hitting me (still does). Please don't let that happen to you.

Please leave now whilst you still can. Try and sort out a way of getting your deposit back (speak to a solicitor is you have to). He's using you for what he can get.

If it is this aggressive in such early days,I be getting a glimpse of your future. Get rid.

Tbh I'm surprised you need to ask, he's plainly an abusive selfish arse, leave him immediately, why even consider putting up with his vile behaviour. He will only get worse.

Just stop doing your end and see what happens- if he doesn't shape up staying with him will mean you do all the work all the time.
You need to divide up tasks he can shop, put a wash on do the veg- you need to divide it up equally- he clearly thinks cleaning is not his responsibility, either lose him or find enough jobs he find acceptable.

It’s the start of coercive control.stomping round, not speaking.In his mind he’ll think next time you want him to change what he’s doing, you’ll think again as you won’t want dinner in silence,and no speaking for two days so you’ll stop asking.Hell then do as he wants,You’ll end up never asking and being resentful.
My sil ended up with a man like this.She didn’t give in easily and he ended up not speaking to her for weeks until she apologised!
she’s had a miserable marriage.if his dinner isn’t on the table at the right time,she gets the silent treatment.For days.
she darent leave him.He now tracks her when she’s out. He’s obsessive about things too.

@Modernop

I've just come back to see if you'd posted an update. (Before anyone jumps on me, no, I'm not "expecting one" etc, etc, just sad for the OP who could be my daughter).

It can't be easy reading these replies which all say the same thing. However by posting here I think you already knew in your gut how very wrong this all is.

I hope you find the strength to protect yourself and your interests, and to get away from this man.

It's easy for us oldies to say, but you will find someone better for you, if that's what you're worried about. Someone who will be your biggest supporter, your safe place, whose arms make you feel loved and cherished, who sees you as an equal and puts as much effort into the relationship as you, consistently, day after day. Not resent you, belittle you and treat you like a skivvy who pays most of the bills to boot!.

In the meantime, you will love and take care of yourself, and build the amazing life you hoped for, safe and happy in your own home.

Many of us have walked away from often decades long marriages, because we knew deep down it wasn't right for us. It is so bloody hard: the upheaval and fallout for all concerned (even worse with kids) the bruised ego or feeling like a failure, the "baddie." But it is absolutely worth it. And as several posters have said, you get one precious life.

Your sister needs to go to womens aid for support and advice.

Sorry that comment was meant for @Mygrandkidsaregreat

I echo this. I remember the first man I dated after my ex, when he hugged me I felt safe. Something I hadn't done for years.

He never put me down, he always encouraged me,he supported me. When my cat died he checked in multiple times a day even when he was working.

He made me realise good men are out there and you don't have to accept the shit some men think we deserve.

I wonder if your parents could afford or are willing to buy out his share?

That way it's not a gift or much if a sacrifice but might help you. Sorry op, you deserve much better.

I’m so embarrassed, I knew we shouldn’t have moved in together. He convinced the naive me that things would be better when we moved in. They’re not.

Hes frequently out in the evening playing football with his mates, “freelancing”, and now has taken up a new activity that means he will be out once a week until 1am. Other nights he’s back around 11pm. Were like passing ships.

Last night he saw me crying when he came in at 1am and asked me what was wrong. I said “I’m lonely”, and said I couldn’t see us having a good relationship with the name calling, stomping around, lack of contribution

he said

“you’ve always had a problem with me doing things outside of this relationship”

then

”why don’t you plan something?”

said he’d support me doing hobbies, said I need to ask to spend time with him.

then he was like mock laughing at me if I said anything he didn’t agree with. Had to tell him to stop shouting because the neighbours would hear. It was awful. I need to go

Hes a cunt.. get out asap