Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Oh op he is worse that you first mentioned I would be looking for somewhere else tell him you don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who needs asking to spend tine together he obviously just wanted a new home but not the responsibility of a full commitment he’s a cock lodger you have nothing to be embarrassed about he’s the problem here not you. Don’t waste anymore money on the house unless you plan to stay and buy him out be he is definitely not a keeper he’s abusive and offers you nothing but humiliation.

Great post @DuckbilledSplatterPuff 👌

So sorry, I want to give you a big hug. He is plain nasty. I can imagine you are feeling sad at what could have been, but it never could be what you hoped because he’s simply not capable. You sound a lovely and smart woman who wanted to see the best in someone. He’s shown you who he is quite clearly and in a way it is a blessing as you can now move on with confidence. You need to be practical (re the house, consult lawyer etc) but also need emotional support from those close to you. He is likely to react negatively to things not going the way he wants. This might by being angry (please take steps to be safe) or pleading with you about how he can’t live without you or some such nonsense. Both responses are designed to maintain the status quo. You need to be ready for both possible reactions. I really wish you well. Leaving him is really the best possible thing. It’ll be tough but life will feel so much lighter soon without this deadweight.

So sorry OP. I've just seen your latest update.

He's really starting as he means to go on isn't he.
Don't be embarrassed.
He lied to you and now he's Absolutely shameless about it. Almost boastful about the way he's laying down the law and telling you how its going to be, however you feel about it.
What a horrible horrible pig.

Please don't tell him any of your plans. He's so shameless, and he's already getting nasty.
Get some real life legal and practical support asap without letting him know - to help you navigate a safe exit from this relationship. (ie I say this not to alarm you but do as much as you can to protect yourself - just to be on the safe side, as he won't like you not agreeing to go along with his plans for how things should work. Play it safe, no need to confront him until you've worked out what you are doing and when you do, have a plan to do it safely)

Cut your losses. A year from now you will be in a much better place.

Please don't feel embarrassed. The reason you have so many responses on here is because so many of us have been where you are! We want to save you from being in the position we have been in. I went on to marry and have children with my ex abuser. It was so bad that it's taking 4 years to get divorced and I now have chronic health conditions due to the stress. Don't end up like me. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can before he wears you down to nothing.
We are all looking out for you and don't want you to repeat our mistakes 🩷
I'm so pleased that you know you need to leave him. You sound like such a lovely person and one day you will look back on this and be so proud of how brave you were to leave this aggressive man.
Be careful of trauma bonding (Google it!). He will likely be really nice to you once he realises you're ending the relationship, but his real-self will come back.
I'm really rooting for you and I know your life will be better without him. Take care xxx

I agree with @Abcdefg1234567abcdefg . We've all made mistakes. Non of us are perfect. Plus you didn't realise how bad it was going to be @Modernop .

Don't beat yourself up. At least you didn't marry him. (Yep, I really did that.)

Take a deep breath. Put this all down to experience. Tell him you've made a mistake and you don't want to live with him any more. The options are you sell up, or you buy him out.

It will be easy to show how much deposit you put down (of your own money) and you'd be wise to take advice either from a lawyer or from a trusted, knowledgeable adult.

Chin up, best foot forward, and know that there's a much better life out there waiting for you.

OP. You are smarter and more hardworking than him. He knows this which is why he puts you down. As other posters have said,please take legal advice and get your ducks in a row, but don't tell him anything until you are ready to go.

You need to tell people who love you - friends & family what has been going on. Everything you’ve wrote here. At that point you will be fully acknowledging this situation for what it is, and there’s no turning back.

OP I'm glad you have realised this isn't a good relationship.

Get some legal advice pronto on the house. Maybe you could buy him out and get lodger to help with the mortgage?

Be very careful. He's angry and I do worry for your safety when he realises you're done.

Please be brave and reach out to people who know you in real life too. This isn't for you to feel ashamed about. The shame is all his.

I'm so sorry for your situation OP, but so pleased you've taken the brave step to open up on this site where you have received some amazing support and advice.
I would suggest a couple of things;
Firstly, to listen to the advice you're given. You may find you need more specific legal advice, in which case use Google for women's support groups where you can be confident of the advice you're being given (as good as the advice on this site is, armchair lawyers are no substitute for the real thing).
Secondly, I would suggest you keep a diary logging the dates, times and brief details for all incidents of his bad behaviour. This may help you in future legal disputes or may help you see a pattern which in turn helps you make a decision for whether to stay or go.

Please remember you are not alone and remember you deserve to be happy, deserve to be valued and deserve to be treated as an equal.
Good luck.

Another vote to find the strength to end this. First, and asap, talk to a trusted family member or friend. Once you have told someone you need to end this it will be easier to plan next steps.

This is the best advice.
steel yourself OP,stop crying, start planning.
you will have your lovely home.

You've nothing to be embarrassed about, youve tried and hes a giant knobhead who's thrown it back in your face.
I see you havent ring fenced your deposit, so id go to a solicitor a speak with them about options, you'll either be looking to buy him out, or see if they can help with an agreement to get your money back if you sell. Its really shit but at least youve found out now before marriage and children.
I hope you have family or friends you can lean on and talk to as he sounds really awful. Don't loose yourself in this, remember youre the smart successful one who made this all financially viable, not him. You will rebuild. Losers like that dont xx

I agree with others, get some legal advice and start thinking about how you can financially and emotionally get out of this relationship.

Im glad you are realising who he is

He's lazy and sees you as a soft touch. He thinks he can spend your money rather than take responsibility and get a full time job.

You aren't righteous. He's just a good for nothing cocklodger.

Bin him.

Don't stay because you'll lose money. Remember sunk costs fallacy - you will lose more in the long run staying with him.

He doesn't love or respect you. He just sees you as easy.

You'll be better in a shared house.

Get legal advice and sell up. You are better than this.

Don't be embarrassed. Be strong. You've already decided what you need to do, that's brilliant!!! Good for you. Get your family to help, don't do it all alone. Good luck, you CAN do this xx

There should be proof that you transferred money from your bank account for the deposit surely?
I would be telling him to go back to his mum's and you are putting the house up for sale.
Move back closer to family and frifor support.

@Modernop don't be embarrassed. I think you're being really brave. You've recognised that you've made a mistake and now you're going to rectify it. And yes, I understand (we all do) that this is really hard and stressful for you.

If you can pay the mortgage yourself (maybe by taking a lodger) then that's a good option for you, and you should try and buy him out. If not you'll have to sell.

How have you been paying the mortgage? This is important. If you have made all the payments (even if he paid for other things) then he has no claim other than his initial deposit.
If he has paid towards the mortgage at all (even by contributing to a joint account that the mortgage payments come out of) then he has a claim to half the equity remaining after you deduct your deposit, his deposit, and the remaining mortgage from the sale price (less costs).

Oh, OP, the embarrassment here does not belong to you. You are a trusting, loving person who expected to be treated the way you would treat others - as most people do. The shame here belongs to a man who has behaved this way and strung you along.

Its a hard lesson, and a shame you had to learn it like this. But better sooner than later. Maybe your local domestic abuse agency can help advise you. Sending you support.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this is happening. Tomorrow contact citizens advice and womens aid. They will be able to support you and give advice moving forward. Or see if their are any solicitors that will give you a free consultation near you.

I would speak to them before saying anything to your partner to make sure you are safe as he sounds like he could potentially become nasty.

Please get 3 estate agents round and put the house on the market.
Although it may cost you money in the short term I think overall it will be better for you in the long term. Xx
Good luck OP

Also, I'd like to add on a safety note. Once you do have all your ducks in a row and decide to tell him it is over, if you think it could be unsafe make sure someone else is there with you or in public. Have you got a friend or family member that could confide in that could come stay with you when the time comes?

Remember the old adage "when someone shows you who they are,believe them." He has definitely shown you and I think now you do believe him, it will not get better, if anything it will escalate, because he thinks you are weak. Show him you are not.

There are a few things in here that raise more alarm bells for me in addition to your further update

1. It sounds like (at least) the beginning stages of financial abuse is underway already
2. Blaming his behaviour on stress. He is a grown adult. He is responsible for his behaviour, yet he is passing the responsibility onto other things
3. The cliche of ‘he has anger problems’ and ‘needs counselling’. This is part of an abuser’s script, they all make this claim. It’s further deflection and inability to take responsibility for his actions. Since making these statements, has he sought counselling or support for his anger? (I would imagine not. They never do.)
4. Shouting loud enough the neighbours can hear. This is not normal behaviour OP. Of course every couple argues at times, however shouting to this level is neither acceptable or a sign of a healthy relationship
5. When you have raised what is making you unhappy in the relationship, his responses are classic DARVO. Everything is deflected back on to you and he is suddenly the victim.

You will have a really unhappy life with this man OP and he will only get worse. I can promise you as someone who has been there and has left, you would be much happier single and living alone than putting up with this shit.
Is buying him out of the property on the cards? I am not hugely knowledgeable about financial things, but you seem to be determined and have a great work ethic. I think you could make it work on your own. You certainly don’t need him.