Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

I’m sorry to say he sees you as a housekeeper and main breadwinner. Please dont hsbe children wuth him, youll end up separated.

Tell him if he doesn't want to do his fair share of the cleaning, he can organise and pay for a cleaner.
If he doesn't want to do his fair share of the cooking, he can organise and pay for dinner.
If he doesn't want to do his fair share of the laundry, he can just wear dirty clothes,
And if he can't afford to, he'll just have to suck it up until he can

His mother enabled this behaviour. All his life. Its his normal. You can try ground rules but I feel you are wasting your breath. Try, and at the same time plan your exit strategy. Do not ,under any circumstances, get more financially committed. If the olace is rented you can walk. He can find a housemate. Im guessing a housemate may expect a. equal share of the chores!

He said her tone was triggering him. Yes this could be a DV blame tactic, but it also could be true. He said he needs counseling. OP sounds like she needs to clarify boundaries with him, but it’s proven that a “soft start up” when bringing up an issue leads to more productive communication. Obv if this is going to escalate into DV, the usual communication rules won’t apply, but right now, there are a few red flags but nothing definitive (in my opinion.) He could just have poor emotional regulation skills-which need some work.

Examples of boundaries/expectations for OP to outline in a frank conversation could be:
Both need to work F/T or earn X (or if he works P/T he can do more housework).
Fair division of household tasks
No more name calling
He needs to go to counseling
An agreed way to bring up gripes
OP should def make sure the financial agreement re the house is clear in case they do split up.

This.

this, make it happen at all costs...

And what about how he verbablly abused her?

please, leave him... you could be hurt by him in a blind rage... he sounds like a danger. You should be sad as you are not to blame but also make a move and get out of this mistake you made by buying with him. Red flags all over the place!

OP, read The Sunken Cost Fallacy.

Don't make that mistake.
You will bitterly regret it.

Darling, this will not be your life. Don’t accept this. You know deep down he doesn’t love you as he should.

I've seen your update.

I get its hard and the fear holds you but honestly....End it.
Cut your losses now.

.

I would leave now before you become one of those women moaning all the time about how you have to do everything and how much you hate men.

Find a partner who knows how to do things and is willing to take shared responsibility for labour. Don't fall into old fashioned traditional roles where you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry but take turns.

So sorry that this has been your experience in your first home. I can tell you things will only get worse. So what if you spoke to him with a tone. You're knackered and he's done sod all. He's also childish and lazy from the sounds of things who's looking for somebody to replace his mother. OP please cut ties with this person before having babies etc. I honestly would really think long and hard if this is something you want to put up with long term. Two weeks in and he's behaving like this, huge red flags there's a good chance his behaviours will escalate to coercive control or even violence. I would honestly walk away now. Don't give somebody like him you're best years!

Get in touch with Women's Aid Charities and find some help local to you.
Find a good solicitor, experienced in dealing with domestic abuse, to give you advice and to act for you.

Your partner may not be abusing you now (plenty would say he is) but all the red flags are there for the likely direction of future travel.

You need legal help to help you separate from this man, whilst keeping as many of your assets intact / in your name as possible.

Don't waste your best years with this person. Dig your way out now.
Good luck, OP.

Plan an exit strategy

Please listen to the posters all echoing the same advice, many have experienced similar or have known someone in your position. I wish someone had given me the advice the posters are giving you now, it would have saved 26yrs of awful trauma. My situation was similar to yours. I earned more and paid the majority of bills, he was often unemployed while I worked 10 hrs a day like yourself. While taking on all childcare and household responsibilities, my ex husband used to say I thought I was better than him, I didn’t. He slowly systematically broke me down over the years to a point I didn’t even recognise myself. Your definitely not overreacting, please, please seek legal advice in regards to the mortgage and move closer to family and friends for support, in time you will be so grateful for taking all the advice given as it will prevent so much heartache ❤️

This is good advice.

@ModernopI'm frightened for you.

Remember You’re not his mother so stop mothering him, he needs telling to grow the fuck up.

This is not someone you want to get in a relationship with. Respect goes two ways. When he "went to see his mum" he probably sat in his arse and she made him food!

Looking busy and being busy are very different things.
Needing acknowledged for doing his share is ridiculous.

You need a household duty rota that means equitable share of the load based around your work commitments.
Shared bank account g where you each put a portion of your wages in to pay bills.

If you go on to have a child, you're likely going to be parenting your boyfriend too!

I suggest reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
It's an eye-opener.
Best of luck x

So he sees you as the solution to his $$ problems. You work hard and earn and save and make wise decisions with $$. All he has to do is sit back, work part time and manipulate you, and he is set for life.

Someone said "He is already under your skin making you feel like you are in the wrong. He is manipulative and he knows how to make you feel bad. And he has done so." That is true. You can't stomach lunch already for worrying about him. He has not put in as much as you have and this is him at his best - as he gets older he'll get worse, as the honeymoon period wears off he'll get worse.

Get some legal advice on the quiet and if you don't want to separate now, at least start taking notes and documenting the abuse (it will happen). People will be sympathetic once they know the truth.

I’m a single Mum and your day sounds similar to mine, except my toddlers are more helpful and not verbally abusive like this gross excuse for an adult you’re living with. Read that again, your daily routine is like mine as a Mum to literal toddlers because they can’t food shop, do their own laundry, cook their own dinner etc. Difference being when I ask my 2 and 5yr old to clean up they do it and don’t also verbally abuse me.

This is no relationship and no way to live OP. I’m sure it feels impossible right now to end things when you’ve just got your first home but this is meant to be the BEST of the best time in your relationship with someone. And instead he’s already showing his awful nasty abusive side. Please listen to the comments advising you to cut and run. Don’t waste any more time on this horrible person. Can you imagine having a baby and going home with someone that will verbally abuse you if you ask them to do anything? Or needing surgery and relying on this dickhead? What about the fact that life is short and you should be with someone (or single it’s less aggro trust me) that adds to your life, not someone who makes you so unhappy you’re locked away in the bathroom.

big hugs, this isn’t how it should be. But don’t ever feel it’s too late to exit a horrible relationship.

Im sad to say you have moved in with a divkhead.