Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Well done you’ve realised now. It’s on him not you.

A much better life awaits you

He needs to go not you.

You've had your moment now. You're embarrassed. That's fine. Don't feel it anymore. Tell him to leave. Look at how you can buy him out. This is not a relationship never mind a good one.

You really need to end the relationship. He's a complete man child. And nasty with it. He won't change, he will get worse. You can do much better for yourself than a miserable excuse for a human being. Tell him it's over. Whatever you need to do, get him out, sell the house if necessary. But just end it. Get angry with the situation. Just do it now.

Agree with PP, this isn’t a relationship. It’s a good set up for him. You’re in a much better position than him, working full time, savings in the bank. He knows that so he makes you feel pathetic to keep you down. You can thrive by yourself, he’ll have to go home to mum.

youvsays you lived with his mum. I presume he learned this behaviour from his dad? The sooner you extract yourself from this the easier it will be. Stop chasing for crumbs of his love whilst you provide for the home.

Go quietly, and safely. If he is abusive, this is the time he is most likely to get violent. Make a plan- get family/ friends to physically be there with you to move out.
All the best x

Oh heck @Modernop he really is a piss taker and you need to end it. Do you feel frightened of him in any way? If not, tell him you're done and mean it.

You have no reason to be embarrassed OP, you've had a wake up call, you can move on from this. Take a look at your situation honestly, speak to your mortgage broker, is there scope in your budget for you to buy him out (assuming you want to stay in the home)? Would you prefer to sell and cut all ties? There will be a way out of this for you and life will get better. Can your family help you either practically and/or financially?
You don't have to live like this, you really don't.

It is not going to work. This should be easy & fun the first few weeks. He has shown his ways & you would be better off on your own. Buy him out ASAP. Can you afford the mortgage on your own ? Finding out early is good, you probably think it is already too late .... it is not...get rid & move on .....I had some new neighbours and the same thing happened the house was up for sale before they unpacked.

DO NOT be embarrassed. I went ahead with a full on church wedding and country house reception knowing things weren’t okay but hoping things would change when we got married. Jealousy being the main reason. They didn’t change. They got worse. All my friends could see it and tried to tell me. I ignored them as I wanted my ‘happy ever after’. I didn’t get that fairytale ending. Instead I got a horrible nightmare I felt so trapped in that I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t go back home to live, I couldn’t afford anywhere on my own. I loved my little house and the way I’d decorated it. I denied and denied the reality until it got so bad I couldn’t deny it any more. The wake up call was ‘do I really want this angry violent man being the father of my kids?’ No. A friend of a friend offered me her spare room. I packed two suitcases and one box and left everything else behind. That was 20 years ago. Divorce was expedited when he got someone else pregnant a few months after I left and wanted to marry her before the baby was born - ha. Looking back now it was the luckiest escape I ever had but it was horrible at the time. I feared judgement from family but got none - turned out a lot of people could see what he was like but didn’t want to tell me. Now remarried myself, bought a new house as soon as I got equity from the one I had with the ex. He bought me out so new partner could move in. Again - ha. He tried to guilt trip me for a while, said he was suicidal etc but it didn’t last long once he got no response. I literally never saw him again once the legal were tied up. Was like he disappeared off the face of the earth…you can do this. Cut your losses.

@Modernop you need to end it. He can go home to his parents, you might need to sell at a small loss but at least you can take back your share of what you’re left with. It is not you - it is all on him. I’m so sorry xx

Dont be embarrased. Take control of the situation. Work out if / how you could buy him out. Get some legal advice on the deposit. You can do it. A better life awaits.

Please don't be embarrassed. Wanting to see the good in people shouldn't be seen as your fault. Please don't stay just because you are feeling embarrassed.

He has shown you who he is now though. He likely thinks you just stay because of the house commitment as it'll be stressful to get out of it.

But you can do this. Look into whether you could take on the whole mortgage yourself. If you can't, look into legal advice on getting as much of your deposit back and put the the house for sale.

You sound lovely, sensible and intelligent don’t be dragged into an unhappy life with this poor excuse of a man.

It would be far more embarrassing if you ignored all your feelings now, got married, got pregnant and had this awful man leeching off you for the next 18 years.

You know you deserve better than him. Move on with your head held sky high x

Don't be embarrassed, OP, be really proud of yourself that you have spotted this in time to nip it in the bud. Many of us here failed to do that at similar points in our lives and ended up becoming wise to our situation eventually, at much greater cost.

You're showing enormous clarity and courage. You can do this.

He’s a bully and wants a single life with benefits …you won’t ever regret leaving him behind .

Nearly 700 comments saying the same thing op.

Take some action.

Well done op for recognising this and being brave enough to act at this point. You’re saving yourself years of misery

Oh OP there's no one more lonely than someone in your situation.

I really hope you don't feel embarrassed, it isn't your fault and you aren't to blame.

Time to make him an ex boyfriend and cut your losses.

Nothing to be embarrassed about OP. Just leave and don't stay when he fills your head with BS and starts to be nice to you to keep his nice little arrangement going....Because he WILL do this

he really is a prize prick.

This must be feeling very tough right now OP, but you need to figure your way out of this. Staying with this loser will be much much harder than leaving the realtionship. Choose your hard - and act to change your life/future.

Keep posting here for support and advice - there are lots of very knowledgable women here for you.

I agree. You are not over reacting.

His thinking shines out.. and its not good.

"Its "fair I put more money into the house as I earn more. Not a lot more"
Translation - Its fair for him. You earn more because he works half a day.

Boyfriend says I’m “blessed” and “lucky”
Translation - "you need to pay more because you are luckier than me and that is not fair. I want some of your luck, you should share it."
He sees your savings as a lucky lottery win. He doesn't see you built your savings through your hard work and self sacrifice - two things that he is not willing to do himself.

"he likes the flexibility of part time work as he can supplement with freelance"
Translation - Flexibility? to do what exactly?
Of course he does prefer that now that he has a bill paying housekeeper supporting him. The incentive to do freelance will quickly fade because he will "contribute" by occasional DIY (probably in the Games Room) and so has no time for freelance.

He suggested I pay a proportion of the bills to reflect our income (ie not 50:50) but I said this wasn’t fair and he has since agreed to 50:50
Translation - "She's agreed to put down more money on the house so I'll use the same argument for bills as well."
WARNING - I think he's backed down for now as its so close to completing on the house, but give him time and it will be... "It's not fair... freelance is down.. " and he will continue to get you to subsidise him. If you suggest going on holiday, he will suggest its only fair for you to pay for most or all of it, afterall, you are the lucky one aren't you? and so it will go.

I recall in your first post, whilst you were being frugal to save for the house, he was out splashing his wages on nights out and other things he wanted.
I noted his main concern on moving in was fixing the lighting in his gaming room. ie - spending time on the things HE prioritises instead of the rest of the house, which is now your job.

The above, strongly suggests that he now sees you as the "lucky" breadwinner who is there to subsidize him and service him, whilst he spends his time and cash on things he wants.

Are you ready for that?

Coupled with his tantrums, sulks, name calling and deriding you, putting you in your place, He's not even going to be even averagely nice to you whilst he does that, unless he gets his own way. The name calling is how bullying starts FYI... and it WILL NOT get better.

Please don't tell yourself off for moving in. He's been clever about this.
But you sound like an intelligent capable person and you are not over reaching by acting to extricate yourself from a life of being treated progressively badly.

If you do see a solicitor which everyone has advised, just so that you know your options and can make an informed decision.. DO NOT say.. "I've going to see a solicitor" or tell him any of your plans untill you have decided what YOUR best option is, make sure it is your decision and not a compromised based on his idea of "fairness" It would be easy for him to make promises that don't stand up to time. If I were you, I'd try to buy him out and get a lodger initially.