Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Sorry OP, but your boyfriend is a child. This won’t be the last time this happens; you’re setting yourself up of years if not a lifetime of his juvenile strops.

He's not a boyfriend, he’s a dead weight.

Seriously, please give serious consideration to getting out of this relationship now.

Is this a rental, or bought?

Why bother trying to force someone to love and respect you?

If he did, he would be willing to do his share

Is this your first time living together?

Your whole life will be like this with him. Treading on eggshells so you don’t upset him.

Exactly this! When someone shows you their true self, believe it. Leave now! If this is him after only 2 weeks it's not going to get any better. Imagine how worn down and resentful you'll feel in 2 months...2 years...

Get rid of him and get yourself a dog or a cat, you'll be happier. 😆

If this is his first time living away from either home or student halls, I would give him one chance. One.

I would sit him down when you have both calmed down and laid out how many hours per week you both work - I assume you’re both full time? - and a list of the regular household tasks that need doing, from cleaning and laundry through cooking, garden tasks, etc.

And then I would simply say: “You said I should have asked you nicely to do things. So this is my asking nicely. We both have full time jobs. All of these things are tasks that need to be done in order for our home to function. We need to split these tasks 50:50. So please tell me which tasks you’re taking responsibility for, and then I won’t have to ask you again because we will each be doing our fair share. Won’t we?”

How he responds to this will tell you what the next steps need to be. If it’s anything other than him engaging in a discussion of what you will be completing as a team so you have a home you can both enjoy and be proud of, like saying “but my job whine whine” or “but those are women’s jobs” or similarly asinine contributions, decide how much you’re prepared to pick up while he fucks off to game every night when he gets in from work instead of doing whatever task might need his attention.

If your tolerance is, as it should be, zero, get rid. Because if he can’t have a constructive conversation about it now, it’s not going to improve. And you really don’t want to have kids or pets with someone like that, either.

And make this the one time you do the mental load of coming up with a list of what needs doing, because this shit isn’t something passed down in the genome, it’s something that comes from experience and observation and he’s more than capable of thinking this through for himself. Although I would put a list up on the fridge for you both “because we’re busy and I know I might occasionally need a reminder” so he’s got no excuse for slacking off on his list.

Do you think the OP will leave? I don't. She'll hang on hoping things will get better and, if that's what she's going to do, she needs a plan of action.

Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive
what do you know about his childhood? It sounds like he is repeating his dysfunctional domestic dynamics from childhood. Otherwise known as childhood trauma bonds. His brain and body know nothing else and will resort to this behaviour at times of stress, (eg a worry, perception of criticism, a feeling of rage as an irrational reaction like he feels he is having his spare time controlled (or his brain could only plan the lights and by you making a different request it’s thrown him into executive functioning turmoil).
i think you need to consider if this is what you want to live with. It will not improve no matter how much he promises.
i would even suggest he has ADHD and this is delayed RSD about something else that’s bothering him.

Pack your bags and leave. There’s no shame in admitting he’s a nasty piece of work. Don’t let your life become like mine. 16 years of shouting and abuse because I didn’t meet his strict standards and he expected me to wait on him like his parents did.

OP if your best friend had written your post, what would you say to her?

Get out now while you can.

It's the last thing you want to hear after the upheaval and excitement of moving in, but this is a huge red flag. Don't let yourself get lumbered with someone who can't act like a responsible adult and who has so little respect for you that he’ll happily sit and game while you do all the donkey work.

If he's not pitching in and doing his fair share during the first couple of weeks, imagine what he’ll be like a few years down the line!?

You're meant to be his partner, his equal - not his mum! Honestly, nothing brings on the ick faster than having to look after a man baby.

Find a flat share with a lovely friend and wait until you find a man worth it. Sadly, he's not it!

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Two weeks? Fuck that.
This should be the exciting “our first home, yay” stage.
If he’s that comfortable two weeks in, it’s going to get much worse, very quickly.
I really hope you’re renting.
Leave him.

Also, be aware, if the next day or two brings flowers and gifts and “I love you so much”, fucking run.

He works 4 hours a day. What does he do after 1pm?

@Modernop is this your first house together, or have you lived together and now you’ve bought? Does/did his Mum do everything for him? If so, he probably thinks it’s all women’s work and isn’t he great for helping a bit.

The reality is, if you both work then you should be doing 50:50 pretty much. And neither one of you should assume a job is the other’s responsibility.

My Dad, though a lot older than my friends’ parents, has a really modern outlook and never expected my Mum to do everything. They were a team. He taught me and my brothers to be self sufficient, as did Mum. If your partner hasn’t lived away from home and his Mum let him do bugger all then he expects a replacement.

It’s not you, it’s him! This is him on his best behaviour!!

Please tell me you ring fenced your deposit?

Oh god.

Dont let anyone who speaks like that to you live with you.

Do you have the deposit ring fenced? Could you buy him out

So he’s on the deeds? Bloody hell. Can you afford to buy him out, sell up, move him? He’s an idiot, sorry.

"Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu? " - yes for saying help.
He should be doing his share not helping.

So the reason he's done nothing is because 'you didn't ask him the right way'.

Why do you need to ask the other adult member of the household to actually do some household chores? He's got eyes, he can see the things that need to be put away, he knows food needs to be prepared to eat, he knows clothes need to be washed/hung up to dry etc.

Don't accept this from him, OP.

If you really want to try to make this relationship work, the two of you need to sit down and talk about which tasks each of you will do around the house.
And also agree to treat each other with respect - none of this slamming around the place, then giving you the silent treatment. He's a man, not a sulky hormone-driven teenager.

I’m scared for you. You deserve better. My advice is to end the relationship with this nasty person.

He will get much much much worse. Don’t wait to find out. I would move out

Hopefully you protected that 70%, OP...

Oh OP 💔 surely there were some red flags before today??