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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

764 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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5
Forthesteps · 09/03/2026 21:35

Dump him.

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

TheSlantedOwl · 09/03/2026 21:37

You didn’t ask him wrong - the tone thing is a depressingly common response to an exasperated woman asking for a modicum of adult responsibility from a selfish man.

stay strong on this one. Don’t go soft and try to appease him. Stick to your guns.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 09/03/2026 21:37

Move out.

FaceEatingLeopard · 09/03/2026 21:38

Two weeks in and this? This will be your whole life if you don't stamp it out right now or leave. Is the house rented?

Sunshineclouds11 · 09/03/2026 21:38

Urgh I remember this from when I first moved in with my ex.
you both really need to sit down and decide who's doing what and when.
you'll end up like I did doing everything and being in tears more often than not.

worstnotholiday · 09/03/2026 21:38

Do you want to live this way op? It’s early days and he’s treating you like the help. Well, less than, as he couldn’t actually treat hired help so badly. Why does he do no washing no dishes no nothing? You are neither his mum nor his maid and unless that’s a role you want to take on- get out of this. Sulking and stripping are emotional abusive ways to punish you for having the temerity to speak up. Slowly you’ll learn not to- so as to avoid the storm and ensuing negativity.

CSR721 · 09/03/2026 21:39

He is showing you who he is. Believe him and get out.

BarbiesDreamHome · 09/03/2026 21:40

Have a baby woth him, see what happens.

Obviously don't.

Its not you. He wants to live like his mum is still picking up after him.

BunfightBetty · 09/03/2026 21:40

It's not your tone, it's that he's a selfish, lazy misogynist, who thinks you should take over where his mum left off.

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/03/2026 21:40

Leave.

CrocusesFlowering · 09/03/2026 21:41

He’s a shitbag.

AzureLurker · 09/03/2026 21:42

CSR721 · 09/03/2026 21:39

He is showing you who he is. Believe him and get out.

This.

It will not get better. Partner of 20 years here, little things he still does still annoy me but he isn't a jerk like your partner. If he is ignorant of the situation so early it's not a good sign.

Oblivionnnnn · 09/03/2026 21:43

Two weeks in???

Nah.

Spend just five minutes on the Relationships board and look at the dozens of daily threads from women who are miserable and married to useless unpleasant cunts.

Dont become one of them; you have a choice now.

BillyBand · 09/03/2026 21:43

Leave him.
Do not have children with him.
Big massive red flag - he’s telling you exactly who he is, listen to him.

regista · 09/03/2026 21:43

You are two weeks in to a new home. Brutal, this should be the nesting period where you both make it beautiful. Stay strong. Only excuse this awful fucking behaviour from him if there is some really good underlying reason and it’s truly a complete one off because e.g. he had some terrible health diagnosis. You need to walk I suspect. I reckon even if you make peace and he sees it and makes an effort he will slip back. Do not have children with him, do not become financially dependent under any circumstances. You will regret it.

FourNaanJeremy · 09/03/2026 21:44

I’d be very concerned that you’re two weeks in to living together and you’ve started to see this side of him. The slamming around and silent treatment is a particular red flag.

Is the house rented? I would be making sure you have an exit plan

Pearlstillsinging · 09/03/2026 21:44

Another saying more back out pronto! There is no reason at all for you to put up with his dreadful behaviour.

50lbstolose · 09/03/2026 21:45

Get out now!

Fourwinds · 09/03/2026 21:46

Tomorrow do not use your 15 minute lunch break to prepare vegetables for dinner or put a wash on. Do not go shopping after you've finished work. Do not clean the kitchen.

When he wonders what's happening ask him how he thought it was reasonable to leave all that to you to do today when he'd had time to visit his mother and game.

You need to have clear expectations of the division of labour unless you want to spend the rest of your life working full-time followed by a second shift as a 1950s housewife with none of the benefits.

WhatNext2026 · 09/03/2026 21:46

You can hope he'll get better. He won't. You do not put up with any more instances of his behaviour. Don't get into any argument with him about it. Tell him you won't be spoken to like that (whatever your red line is) and then leave. No arguments or even discussion at this point. Just leave.
He will need to learn to behave like an adult if he wants any chance at all of an ongoing relationship with you. One more crossing of your red line and you're 100% done.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/03/2026 21:46

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

Oooh no, this should be the honeymoon stage, with both of you excited about making a home together. The only argument DH and I had when we first moved in together was whether glasses stand up in the cupboard or are placed upside down! 😆

Seriously, if he's acting like this now, imagine what it's going to be like a couple of years from now.....Hope you haven't bought.....

Petrolitis · 09/03/2026 21:46

Ltb OP, as quickly as you can.

Hes waited until you've moved in making it harder for you to disentangle then IMMEDIATELY started emotionally abusing you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2026 21:46

You need to both move right out again, or at least one of you does.

As others have said, he’s showing you who he is.

It’s not your tone, it’s never the tone. It’s him punishing you for having the temerity to ask something of him, training you not to object when you see him doing fuck all.

Unless you want the rest of your life to be like this, dump him now.

NFPorterkeeponkeepingonNsoul · 09/03/2026 21:47

Don't you dare blame your tone!!
He's an abusive jackass,slamming doors ,throwing things..nah matey say cheerio to this one 🙋🙋