Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

I would be tempted to tell him you know you’ve made a mistake now, relationship over and let’s explore how we get out of co-ownership of this house and move on with our lives. You can’t be happy together if he can’t pull his weight and belittles you. The fact that you’ve experienced him behaving like this before - he knows just how to hurt you…my heart breaks for you. As you have just bought, likely you may have to wait until a bank rate is up, in the meantime, make a deal to move him out, get a flatmate. There is no shame in things not working out but shame on you if you can’t own up to a mistake and work to resolve it. Don’t let your pride convince you to stick around hoping it gets better. It won’t.

This should be the exciting part! I agree with another poster about conditioning you - he causes a massive fuss now, creates an atmosphere and then you will think twice about asking for his help again, leaving him to do as he pleases.
I'd be speaking to a solicitor - take your 70% deposit to find a place of your own.

9-1 working hours? Leaves him plenty of time for chores! And to cook your dinner
Is he gaming after he finishes work?

You should be all 'loved up' OP.
Sorry but it sounds like you're the only grown-up here

And don't cower by running off to the bathroom to cry. He's showing who he is now they've moved into the house together.

Get out now while it's clear who put what in and you'll get your deposit back. Call a solicitor tomorrow and start the process. You are in an abusive relationship @Modernop

This.

You deserve better and you don’t need to be tied to this man.

Op you need to remind him that you moved to be in his home town and if he felt you look down on him he should have said before you put 70% of your hard earned money down on a house. Also remind him he left his mums house to be a grown up but his recent behaviour isn’t manly also don’t let him shut you down with that comment definitely don’t bail him out or pay more towards anything because he’s a spender don’t have a child with him until he becomes a man who can support you.

It's good that you're listening to your gut feelings.

It sounds like he doesn't respect you. Maybe he's jealous that you have a career and provided most of the house deposit. He is showing signs that are worrying to read.

You may find it useful to read up on the Shark Cage analogy of abuse.
The Shark Cage metaphor is a trauma-informed framework developed by Melbourne psychologist Ursula Benstead to help women understand and recover from repeated abuse, including domestic and family violence or sexual assault. It uses a powerful visual metaphor: the world is an ocean filled with friendly fish and dolphins, but also dangerous sharks. A shark cage represents a person’s boundaries and human rights—protective barriers that keep harmful individuals (sharks) at bay while allowing safe, positive relationships (fish) to pass through.
Each bar of the cage symbolizes a fundamental human right, such as the right to personal space, the right to say no, or the right to be free from violence. These bars are built during childhood through messages and experiences from caregivers, peers, and society. Not everyone develops a strong cage—some bars may be missing, weak, or poorly maintained due to past trauma. The metaphor emphasizes that abuse is never the victim’s fault; it’s the shark’s responsibility to behave abusively, not the cage’s failure.
The framework includes five steps to help women rebuild and strengthen their shark cages, including identifying existing rights, recognizing boundary violations (via a "shark cage alarm" or gut instinct), and learning how to defend their boundaries. It’s used in both individual and group therapy, and is also adapted for young women through school-based programs. The approach is grounded in human rights and feminist theory, offering a hopeful, empowering alternative to victim-blaming narratives.
For more information, visit thesharkcage.com or explore the Shark Cage Animation on YouTube.

OP, you will think of lots of reasons why you can’t end this relationship now:

• You’ll be out of pocket
• The practicalities are too difficult
• You’ll feel embarrassed (though you shouldn’t)
• You love him
• You think he’ll change
• You don’t want to be single/you can’t face starting again with dating

None of these will actually be a problem for you in a year or two.

However, if you stay the best case scenario is a miserable life with a useless prick who talks to you like you’re staff. The worst case scenario is this is just the start of emotionally abusive, coercive control. That could be really dangerous for you.

Get the house on the market and split up- you’ll loose money in the short term but it will save your mental health.
he sees you as a cash cow, cleaner and sex provider

So this is his first time living away from home? Is he now facing the reality that mum's not around to cook and clean after him? It's hard work!

Don't be his skivvy. Don't allow him to talk to you like this, if he can't sit down and sort through this with you and treat you like an equal partner who he's supposed to love and cherish, then I am sorry to say I think you've made a mistake with this one. I really feel for you, this is supposed to be a happy, exciting time together.

It’s the ‘Bananarama’ treatment: “it ain’t what you say it’s the way that you say it”. This is his way of making you seem to blame for not doing anything wrong in order to justify his own childish tantrum. He’s lazy. He got called out and he showed you how he deals with minor issues.

OP, you know when you see an older couple and it's an obnoxious man and a woman who just puts up with and even enables his endless shit, and you wonder how people find themselves in this situation?

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments.

He's called you snide little names before you moved in? Jesus Christ woman, you couldn't pay me any amount of money to move in with someone who was so keen to be a dickhead.

Why why why? Don't you want to enjoy your life?

As others are saying, he's showing you who he is, take note and end things.
Too many (myself included) get caught up in planning the perfect life and continue to follow that path, ignoring the red flags along the way.
The next thing will be engagement (probably following an argument to appease you), then marriage, kids, PT working because he won't do his fair share of caring for them, and either a very unhappy existence together, or divorce.

Right now he'll apologise, promise to do better, you'll believe him because it's awful feeling the way you do after the argument, and then you'll rinse and repeat forever. Unless you decide you're not taking this shit and that you would be better off on your own, responsible only for the mess you create in your own house. If you saved 70% of the deposit, the other 30% will be easy enough.

If ending it is too much to cope with, at least move out or get him to while you consider your options.

Good lord, 2 weeks in?
Unfortunately for you it won't improve.
It never does.

Get legal advice; serve him with papers to buy him out and evict him; get a lodger to help pay mortgage and any extra loan to buy out.

Things will not change for the better. Sorry love, if you want a nice life, leave him.

Oh God no. Get out of it any way you can. Don't let this be your life.

It sounds like you've made a big mistake moving in with a moody lazy twat. Stop crying and start packing. It will only get worse.

Oh dear. This is going to be an expensive mistake. How long were you with him before you moved in? Did you live together properly before buying?

Why did you move in with this man? Move back out immediately. He's shown you what he's like to live with.

No matter how hard it is you have to get him out - either the house is sold or you buy him out. I really hope your deposit was ring fenced. You need legal advice about the house. He is awful and he is only going to get worse. He thinks he has you trapped with the house and he would be immeasurably "worse" if you ever had a child.

He’s a prick but I mean this kindly OP I think you may be susceptible to being walked over in general by people if you don’t put a stop to it. Why were you working 10.5 hours with a 15 minute break?

@Modernop don’t waste minute or penny on him or this house . He’s an abusive arse. This is just the start of it.