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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

764 replies

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:34

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

OP posts:
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5
NewZebra · 09/03/2026 22:21

Not a good start op. He’s shown you his true colours right there. I’d get out now.

Maia77 · 09/03/2026 22:21

The problem is he wants to be treated like an adult but doesn't behave like an adult. You have a tough road ahead.

Trusttheawesomeness · 09/03/2026 22:22

This reply has been deleted

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YiddlySquat · 09/03/2026 22:22

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

THIS

watchingthishtread · 09/03/2026 22:22

It's an age old expression - if you want to know me come live with me.

This is who he is. This is how it's going to be. If you stay you'll eventually find yourself silently doing everything and, from the sounds of things, paying for everything.

cestlavielife · 09/03/2026 22:22

Move right out

You started off behaving like a slave and it will not change
You want to make house he does not. He wants to game. Quit

whomoon · 09/03/2026 22:22

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He thinks you’re better than him, and too good for him, so belittles you and puts you down to make himself feel bigger. It sounds like you’re switched on with saving and were able to put the bigger deposit in so will see the house as mainly yours and that will make him feel inferior. You intimidate him as he knows he’s just not on your level.
His ego can’t stand that so he chips away at you whenever he can.
speaking from experience..

PinkyFlamingo · 09/03/2026 22:24

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

Not being funny but why did you actually buy a house with someone who treats you like that?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2026 22:24

Please god let that deposit be ring fenced. I rather suspect it isn’t though, or we’d have been told by now. I hope to be wrong.

Luckystarss · 09/03/2026 22:24

You do not have to accept his behaviour, OP.
It’s shocking. scary and sad at the same time.
refuse to be disrespected at your own home.

maybe chat with women’s aid if you want to educate yourself about his behaviour - I’m sure they will point you to resources (this is how it all starts)…

Thank your stars you know who he is now - and have a choice to end relationship

NovaF · 09/03/2026 22:24

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

He has learned what to say to shut you up. To put you in your place. He knows it upsets you, yet he still says it. A normal
man would apologise and never say it again. You cleaned, cooked, washed up, he saw all this and contributes nothing unless you ask.

he will not change, this will not
improve, just get worse. He is not the prize here, you are, you are self sufficient, put down most of the deposit. What does he actually add to your life?

trumpisvomitous · 09/03/2026 22:25

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victim blamer #2 has arrived!

Donttellempike · 09/03/2026 22:25

Th little Miss Righteous comment speaks volumes OP.

He has contempt for you. And there is no coming back from that. Trust me. I’ve lived it.

Get out of this. For the sake of future you , he’s horrible.

TheHillIsMine · 09/03/2026 22:26

Stop with the wanting help crap. It's only help if it is your job to do it all. Is it? Does he think it is?

Daytimetellyqueen · 09/03/2026 22:26

wanttoworkbut · 09/03/2026 21:36

He's training you up to not object when he doesn't do his fair share. He doesn't see you as a team, you're his assistant.

This! Get out now whilst it’s still relatively easy to do so (assuming no kids).

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 09/03/2026 22:26

Abuse often starts when men think you’re trapped. He thinks the house has trapped you… I doubt this will get better. I’m sorry. Don’t put up with it.

His little miss righteous comment shows he has contempt for you and thinks you’re belittling him. That comes out of men in a very nasty way.

Ghht · 09/03/2026 22:27

Oh lovely, please be careful. These are serious red flags. The over-reacting, over aggressive response to reasonable requests…this is how it starts

Pearlstillsinging · 09/03/2026 22:28

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

As you obviously own most of the part of the house that doesn't belong to the bank, I would send him straight back to his mum's. Can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own?

IsItTooPink · 09/03/2026 22:28

Please, please, please tell me you protected your deposit?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 09/03/2026 22:29

Modernop · 09/03/2026 21:55

He works 9-1 and then does some freelance work in the evenings (maybe 6 nights a month), I work 8-6.

We had to live with his mum for 7 months before this as I moved up here from my hometown.

the house is bought. I put down 70% of the deposit.

Did you secure your deposit?
Is he paying 50/50 of all bills etc?

Do not get pregnant and just count him as a trial run. He is not your endgame.

echt · 09/03/2026 22:29

People object to tone when the crystal clear words are what they don't want to deal with.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 09/03/2026 22:29

So he calls you little miss righteous, tells you that you look down on him

Tell him that yes, you do.. because why on earth would you put a man who treats you like shit on a pedestal. IF he doesn't want to get looked down on, he needs to step up, raise his game, and act like he deserves to be respected. Not a spoiled child who expects his girlfriend to clean up after him like his mummy did.

You showing him that him saying that upsets you just gives him a weapon to verbally shut you down. Turn it back on him.

YorkStories · 09/03/2026 22:30

Modernop · 09/03/2026 22:15

It’s the “little miss righteous” comment thah made me cry… he always says this in arguments. And then proceeds to say I look down on him (I don’t) if I say we need to save for something… eg. When we were saving for a house deposit I told him that spending £££ on nights out isn’t the most sensible thing to do. I just feel like he gets out of anything I say with thah comment

So he has form for being nasty and irresponsible. Why did you think he would change?

Did he do his fair share of chores when you lived with his Mum? (I’m guessing he didn’t? )

The fact he can behave like this at this stage of your relationship is awful. I’d separate.

KaleQueen · 09/03/2026 22:34

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 09/03/2026 22:26

Abuse often starts when men think you’re trapped. He thinks the house has trapped you… I doubt this will get better. I’m sorry. Don’t put up with it.

His little miss righteous comment shows he has contempt for you and thinks you’re belittling him. That comes out of men in a very nasty way.

Edited

This. I ignored many red flags and bought a house with (and then married) one of these types as I had v low self esteem at the time. Abuse got worse when we got the house, went off the scale after the wedding. i wasn’t as trapped as he thought though as I cut my losses and left. You have youth on your side and no kids (as did I). I was out of there in less time than it had taken to plan the wedding. House sold. Deposit ready for next one. It can be done.

Whatwouldnanado · 09/03/2026 22:34

Ducks in a row and get rid. The reference to an ‘office’ and gaming would be enough for me.