Boyfriends rage after I asked for help. Aibu?

[Modernop]

Me and my boyfriend moved into our first house 2 weeks ago. We’ve made it as nice as we can and we’re just putting finishing touches to it.

I was WFH today, worked 8-630. I had 15 mins for lunch but put on a wash and prepared the vegetables for dinner.

Boyfriend came in at 1pm and put up a lamp then went to see his mum.

When I finished I went the shop, cooked tea, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. There was washing to put on the drying racks and mess all in the living room from stuff we’ve not put away Boyfriend was in his “office space” (gaming) putting up some lights. He’d seen me cleaning from 7ish until 8ish and just went to his room. I said “can you not prioritise the light whilst the house is a mess?”

He stormed down, knocked over the washing basket and put it all in bags (?) then started just moving stuff. I said dinner was ready and we ate in silence.

I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.

Carried on cleaning put throwing things and slamming doors. I said what’s wrong, why are you being like this? He said “I’m doing all the cleaning like you said to do”, then said “I’m sick of you saying i don’t clean, little miss righteous”

I started tearing up, so left the room. He said “great” and then carried on slamming around, saying “I’ll do it all like you fucking asked me”

I’m in the bathroom crying but I know that this is this evening and probably the next few days ruined too. Was I unreasonable?

I did have a “tone” I guess, I was exasperated. He does not washing, no dishes, nothing. He finished at 1 and has done what he wanted until I finished. I just wanted some help. He told me I asked him wrong, I should have just said “please can you do the XYZ”

Aibu?

These replies can’t be very nice to read OP but lots of PPs will recognise this type of behaviour as the beginning of what became a coercive controlling and abusive relationship

I hope you at least feel reassured that it’s not you, or your tone, or anything you’ve done wrong. Men who carry on like this are often excellent gaslighters as well.

Please keep your wits about you and don’t dismiss your gut feelings here. Would you consider doing a Claire’s Law request?

Agreed.
How is he paying half the bills on 4 hours a week?
You need a conversation about sharing all chores and quickly.

It does matter how you said it. A disrespectful tone can sour anyone's attitude. So it's not necessarily that he's against helping you. He just doesn't like the way you spoke to him.

Do not have children with this man

Hopefully you've got this recorded with a solicitor?

He’s showing you who he is. Believe him and leave.

i doubt you'll LYB as youve only just moved in together but clearly there is a breakdown in communication.

he didn't note all that you did.
he expected it.
gave no offer to help.
that’s not good. (unless of course you declined his offer in which case it’s fine)

then you wanted help and it didn’t suit him as he was busy gaming and didnt want to stop and spend time cleaning up. when pretty much forced to do it he made sure it was noticed how much he was objecting to doing it while expecting to be let off the hook because he was doing it. you'll prob find he wont want to do anything housework related tomorrow as he will say ive done my share last night….

he was also training you to not ask for help by beimg unpleasant. in future youll think twice before asking him. only you wont coz we know his game.

id sit down and talk tomorrow at a mutually convenient (not stressful) time and ask what went wrong last night because it wasn’t nice me feeling like i’d done all the dinner and dishes etc and then you stropping all round the house in a mood. i refuse to live like that so we need to work out how to communicate better.

good luck. unfortunately i fear hes a mummy’s boy. they are lazy yet stroppy at the same time, gaslight you and leave you the majority of the work.

(my ex cut the grass once and refused again and said i want slabs instead of grass so you can cut the grass yourself if you want it. what a prick. he also martyred himself by hoovering and dusting one room, moving furniture etc, for over an hour instead of running quickly round the whole house for 15 mins with the hoover like i’d asked him because the whole house needed done. he then refused to hoover again because it was too exhausting. well yeah because you did a deep ckean instead of doing what was required. which i had to then finish. and do in future as the little lord was too tired. lazy bastard ).

yup it doesn't bode well. he pulls his weight or you leave him. double yp on contraception or dont have sex. you dont want to get pregnant if you’re about to split up.

YANBU
I agree with most of the pp - you’ve got a childish man who is emotionally abusing you.
When all is calm sit down together and work out a rota or list of chores and who should do what. If he’s not prepared to to this then it really should be the end. You shouldn’t be reduced to feeling like this by the man who is supposed to love and respect you. He’s shown you who he is - believe him! 🚩🚩 🚩

I hope you ring fenced your deposit, if you did, and you can afford to keep the house tell him to leave.

He sounds a pratt. Why is he only working 9 to 1 with 6 evenings freelancing a month? He sounds a lazy sod in more ways than one. If he is doing so few hours he should be doing the main share of the housework.

Honestly you deserve better than him. He will get worse.

The rights and wrongs of chore division aside, he sounds downright nasty with a temper. I couldn’t live with a man like that. I absolutely couldn’t cope with shouting/raised voices, being sworn at, belittling language, slamming things around etc. You don’t have to cope with it either if you don’t want to.

He believes that his role in the household is DIY, but not cleaning and cooking. He therefore feels you are being unreasonably needy and demanding when you think otherwise. This isn't a you problem, it is a him problem - however you will not be able to "fix" it because you are the one he has already cast as being the issue in his mind.

This 💯

Pathetic little man baby. Life is short don’t waste yours with this utter cretin.

Right you have a choice. Cut your losses now. Or stay and it will only get worse

Is your deposit protected?

Look, just get out of it. This is the wrong man. This is who he is. Anything else is something you will have to train into him, and it will always slip back. If you stay, do not have children with this man.

We all pick the wrong one sometimes, what matters is realising in time and getting out before it goes too far.

Run.

Fast and hard.

You do not need this toxicity in your life.

Edited to add: Just seen you put up 70% of the deposit. Kick him out.

He sees housework as 'women's work', and he will not change his mindset. You are in for a long, miserable life if you don't leave him. Yes you will lose some money, but that's better than looking back in 20 years and realising you lost the opportunity to have a happy life.

This.

Happened to me too, almost instantly upon moving in after 5 years together.

I ran for the hills 4 months in, thank fk.
If he's like this to you in what should be the honeymoon phase, it will only get worse.

Definitely definitely LTB, OP.

💐

Hi op he’s got his feet under the table as people say. Just have a conversation with him the cleaning isn’t just your responsibility and he needs to stop acting like a teenager 2 weeks to show his true colours also you might regret that you did all this for him.

I hope the deeds show that split OP.

He thinks he's got you trapped now, so he can show his true colours. This is the real him.

I know you have spent money moving in with him but you need to move right back out because he has just shown you exactly who he is. If i was your mum and i knew how he was acting i would be straight round to drag you back home.
Please please do not stay or before you know you will have wasted your life on someone who wants a skivvy not a life partner. He has no respect for you. You deserve so much better and please do not think you can change him because believe me you can't and won't. Do not listen to his pathetic "sorry i will change"
crap because if you cave in and accept his lies you will have made him feel he can treat you like shit.
Your are worth more.

Sometimes you really want the poster to be a troll.

But fear they are probably genuine........

Hmmmm, he thinks he's got you trapped now OP. Have a big think about whether you want this for the rest of your life. (You really dont).
Id 100% call it a day & get the estate agents back out.

Oh come on. OP doing all the chores to run their household and bf is ‘helping’ her? It’s his house too, he can see what needs to be done. He just didn’t like being called out on it which is entirely his own problem, not OP’s.

OP, unfortunately this sounds like it’s only going to get worse unless you’re able to sit down and discuss it without your bf getting defensive and him saying you’re ‘nagging’ him.
I would be double checking my 70% is protected and if not, take steps to plan to buy him out in the future. From my own past experience, it’s only going to go one way I’m sorrry to say.