Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

Because of this bit.

‘So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.’

really doesn’t read that they expected £4k. Why be excited about the larger amount?

I reread. I stand by my opinion.

OP hasnt answered about the type of property or my query about IHT implications or consideration of deprivation of assets, has this been talked about, is this likely to be the reason?

I don't respect people who can't keep their word. So if this was my mum and auntie, I'd have a problem with it purely for that reason.

I think rather than all of you get together and speak to your mum about it , you could have a chat with her privately and basically say what you have said in your post and get it out in the open.
You may regret it if you don't and it will always be in the back of your mind.
I got a copy of my Grandmothers will in the end as my parents split and my Dad ran off with a younger woman and spent it all.

A similar thing happened to me when my grandmother died, There was no legally binding will, but the grandchildren were meant to get £5k each. Instead £5k was split between us all. Well, it didn’t turn out to be a full £5k actually. It was rounded down.

OP your mum made her promise in the shadow of grief without knowing the full details of the estate. You should probably have taken that promise with a pinch of salt.

Then, once the value of those assets was known, to have made an assumption (without confirming) that the full value would be dispersed to you, rather than something in keeping with the value the assets were initially expected to be, was not reasonable.

I think you have let yourself get carried away with the idea that this "life changing" amount is owed to you rather than the reality which is that your mother had lost her own mum and was in the midst of sorting out the estate with all the emotional and legal baggage that contains, when she said she would pass on to you a relatively modest sum. This is what she has gone back on. It wasn't wise to promise it when she did, but people in the midst of grief and what probably initially seemed like a huge sum of money do sometimes get carried away. It's why you should have probably taken the promise with a pinch of salt and said something more along the lines of "Why don't you see where you stand when the estate's settled, and if your finances are looking solid and you'd like to pass some on to us grandchildren then, we will, of course, be delighted to receive it."

If she has form for dangling money in front of you and then withdrawing the offer then this is probably just an extension of that and you should adjust your expectations and behaviour towards her accordingly. But if this is unusual for her, it's probably that when the figures all came in, all the debts and fees were paid off and she looked at what her share meant for her, she regretted what she said or didn't remember it. In which case your anger is misplaced. This was always your mothers money, not yours and you have failed to give her the space, understanding and support (at least in this regard) that someone grieving a parent deserves.

Sadly a lot of elderly people don't make a will but expect their immediate legal beneficiaries to "do the right thing" to give something to grandchildren/great grandchildren etc.

Unfortunately, a lot of the time (in my experience) it doesn't happen and those who inherit just sit on the money in a bank account, money they don't actually need and won't spend. They have the attitude that their children (i.e. grandchildren of the deceased) will "get it when they're gone".

The older generation don't seem to appreciate the financial problems that younger people face today with ridiculously high housing costs in particular but also childcare costs, not to mention lack of decent jobs etc, and so many younger people make "Lifestyle" decisions due to insufficient money such as not having children or only having one child etc. That indirectly affects the "beneficiary" of the will who ends up with fewer grandchildren or a son/daughter who's had to move away to find decent job opportunities etc.

I think there should be more of a push for older people to make wills at the very least, but also for them to make specific provision in their wills for their grandchildren and great grandchildren. I do see it occasionally when dealing with the estate of a deceased person and also when discussing inheritance tax with current clients (wills are a big part of IHT planning!), and I always try to "encourage" elderly clients to think of leaving something to their grandchildren in their wills.

Unfortunately a lot of their immediate descendants take it badly when their parent(s) leave some or all of their estate to the grandchildren and I really struggle to understand why in many cases when the immediate descendants are adequately "well off" themselves and don't need all the inheritance, i.e. mortgage paid off, decent jobs and/or pensions etc. and you just know the money is going to be stuck in a bank account earning bugger all interest for a decade or two until they die, and in the meantime the grandchildren are struggling and could really do with a "leg up".

I completely agree

How is that similar? While money generally passes to spouses and children, there is no standard passing on to grandchildren and OP's grandmother made no made no promises to her about any assets.

Your mother was fairly awful to promise something and then not follow through, but not much you can do.

It’s doesn’t matter. The OP can’t control anyone else’s choices.

Then re- re read.

Ma and Aunty received the whole estate split between them, mainly Grans property, presumably her home. "Misc items/assets" that Ma and Aunty thought worth about £15k ish were to be sold and the proceeds split between the grandchildren as a gift. Then, on discovering it was worth about £100k, the grandchildren were excited as they thought that it meant that they would still receive the proceeds of the sale but that it was now worth £25k ish each.

At this point Ma and Aunty (or at least Ma) decided that it wasnt being passed to the grandchildren after all and they were keeping it as it was worth so much more. They made a promise and broke it.

So Ma and Aunty got the proceeds of the house sale and promised the money from sale of other items to the grandkids, until it was clear just how much they were worth, and decided to keep the money for themselves. Clear now?

It’s a tricky one, as legally the proceeds of the will are for your mum & auntie. My mum has my brother and I as the beneficiaries of her estate, and she mentioned recently about whether she should have her will changed to leave a specific amount to her grandchildren (my brother and I have 3 DC each). She said she knows I will give my 3 a sum of money, but suspects my brother will not. To be fair though, my brother and I will likely both still a lot of mortgage and will be fair from rich.

But of course I will still give my 3 some money. My mum hasn’t indicted how much. When my Nanna died, my mum gave my brother and I £1000 each, back in the early 90’s.

I can totally understand why you’re annoyed and it does seem really unfair. I think that’s why its important to have your wishes listed on your will, as you can’t rely on a verbal agreement.

I think you were/are reasonable to be disappointed about the 4K but a bit presumptuous to get excited/assume you would be getting 25K and your Mum might have been upset that you were getting excited about it (especially if she is grieving). I think 60 year olds can look quite comfortable but it gets quite scary as you get older/approach retirement- especially considering the cost of care. I would talk to your Mum.

How old are your mum & auntie?

I am in my 60s, mortgage paid, will be ok for pension, but even so I worry & could see myself wanting to keep hold of any extra.

That's not to say it wasn't unkind to make a promise & not follow through.

I'd just ask your mum.

I hate the thought that my kids couldn't just ask me anything, even if it had the potential to be a bit uncomfortable. Its just a conversation!

I understand your feelings here OP. Why don't you have a serious heart to heart with your mum & say a little help would go a long way & it hurts knowing you have nothing of your grandmother's estate. It may not amount to anything but in the same breath I dont feel its at all grabby.

I think this thread is a shining example of why everyone should make a will.

@likelysuspect This is what OP said:-
”It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.”

OP made it clear that the vast majority of the inheritance (the house) was going to her Mum and Aunt, but that they’d expected to find about £15k of miscellaneous assets and cash, which they’d share out between the grandchildren. However this estimated £15k turned out to be £100k. Despite it being actually MORE than expected, the money that was promised to the grandchildren hasn’t been forthcoming. None of it.

@Rachie1973 the £100k is just the bonus extra. The bulk of the inheritance is that house, which was always going to go solely OP’s Mum and Aunt. And at this stage I think OP would be happy with the £4k she was promised.

It’s frustrating and confusing for OP, which is why she posted.

Im not sure why you keep demanding people 're read'. I read it, I took from it what I said.

Dont patronise me. Im not unclear.

Erm…. You’re agreeing with my view.

I would take a big breath and calmly ask your mum to explain why she changed her mind. Be prepared for a legitimate reason (although she should have told you). I wouldn't let her know you had hoped for a house deposit until you've heard her out. Think carefully about whether that is appropriate to mention at any point, depending on what she says. It may or may not be but it could ruin your relationship, at least for a while. I think 4 years is long enough for most people to talk about an inheritance unless she has complicated grief.

I voted that yABU because the money has followed the legal lines of inheritance, so you can't expect any. However, your mother made a promise, that for some reason she hasn't followed through on. There may be a good reason for this, or not. The only thing you can and should do is say something like, "Mum, I don't want to appear money grabbing but you said x would be divided among us grandchildren. Can I just ask what is happening with that? I know we have no entitlement but it would be really helpful if that was happening. I just want to clarify what is happening with that."