Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

But she's not only paying for her mum's pension is she? By that reasoning, anyone currently paying tax or national insurance would be entitled to a share of grandma's estate, which is beyond ridiculous.

No will, then it’s all your mum and your aunts. Don’t waste money and time on solicitors.

That said, I understand how you feel, but it’s difficult to see how you can raise this without looking grabby or souring the relationship.

I think the mum's actions have already soured the relationship 😞

It’s totally up to your mum and Aunt. I definitely wouldn’t have a conversation with her. It’s up to her and your aunt what they do with the money. If theres no will, your grandmother wouldn’t have been able to stipulate who gets what and how much, especially grandchildren. This is why it’s important to get one in place in plenty of time, which unfortunately isn’t the case in this scenario. I’d try and forget about it because you are going to become increasingly frustrated with your mum and Aunt. If you wish to ask your mum for money for something (like your brother for his operation) then he should just ask her. She will probably say yes.

When my MIL died the will said between her surviving sons. No mention of the grandchildren. She died aged 96.

My husband gave 10% of his inheritance to each of our sons to be used for whatever they wished. 50K each. Both said they didn't want anything and we should enjoy the money. We told them we didn't want them to wait another 25 years to have a bit of wiggle room in their life.

I'm not going to lie. The money came to late for us. We'd paid off our mortgage, had no debts, and the husband had retired. We didn't want our sons to struggle through their 30s like we did.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

This stands out for me. It's 4 years now. Not to sound harsh but that's enough time to be able to talk about this. I suspect the back-story of your mum would give us a clearer view as to why you are still tentative about this. I don't think its out of order to remind her of this 'pledge'.

Maybe the aunt changed the allocation of funds plan and has said your mum can choose to give it away out of her half but she's keeping half now. Or perhaps your aunt holds something over your mum to keep her from allocating the money - a secret like one of the cousins having a different father maybe. Either way, broach the subject. Definitely face to face because it would be useful to watch how she reacts and what clues this can give you. Or she's just a tight bitch who's had an easy life and doesn't want to share. If so, make sure you remember this

Your grandmother has died intestate so the estate has reverted rightly to her two descendants in the absence of a living spouse. Your mum and aunt really shouldn’t have promised anything but equally they don’t have to follow through. I would move on and stop focusing on the money. £4k is hardly significant and it sounds like you will be inheriting a lot more when your parents pass.

If your grandma didnt have a will (and you can check) the inheritance is all your mum and aunty's. And while I appreciate it might feel unfair you were promised a winfall and didnt get one. You do sound grabby, it was never your money and your mum and aunty have the right to change their mind.

You havent mentioned how the loss impacted you just how you could have spent your grandmas money

Morality doesn’t override reality. The grandmother didn’t leave the grandchildren anything. The estate went to her daughters, as the law sets out. A verbal ‘maybe’ before the valuation isn’t a sacred vow. OP is hurt, understandably, but she still has to accept the outcome and move on.

Presumably, the OP (grandchildren) will inherit when her mum dies, as is the normal order of things. I never expected to inherit from grandparents, that went to my parents and aunties/uncles and rightfully so.

The question is, does it matter if you "look grabby" to your mum? I come back to the point : what was explicitly and in all sobriety said by your mum and/or about this expected 4k each for the grandchildren? If something explicit was said that was heard by you all, then is your relationship with your mum so fragile that you can't ask why she has changed her mind? Be honest with yourself. When you heard the valuation was 100k you had ££££ in your head that you had already started mentally spending. That's not a criticism, that's how most people would be. But if you want to try to have an honest conversation with your mum, you need to have some honesty with yourself. You are posting here because you feel resentful of this change of mind and that's unlikely to just go away without discussion. The only person who can answer your question is you, and the only person who can give you the information you need to answer that question is your mum. Stick to the £4k figure in the conversation and try to come at it from a place of genuine curiosity rather than assumption/resentment. She has changed her mind. Why? Give her a chance to explain and give her a fair hearing if she genuinelty makes an attempt to engage with you over this question. If she's unable and unwilling to talk calmly and openly about this with you, if she condemns you as an awful money-grabbing daugher, then that says a lot about your relationship and how you need to think about that from here on.

That's a really shitty thing for your mum and aunt to do. I don't think I could look at my mum the same way ever again if she did that. Some people's true colours are shown when money is involved. A decent parent would stick to their word and would also not want to see their DC struggle whilst they sit on a sum of money they don't need.

That's a really shitty thing for your mum and aunt to do. I don't think I could look at my mum the same way ever again if she did that. Some people's true colours are shown when money is involved. A decent parent would stick to their word and would also not want to see their DC struggle whilst they sit on a sum of money they don't need.

The inheritance was left to your mum and your aunty not you , if they promised you some money no doubt you will get it in time .
When my mum passed away we did get some money but the last thing on my mind was money! I was devastated with having to deal with funeral and probate and grieving for my mum . I didn’t want to spend any money initially as I and my sibling felt uncomfortable about it , it took almost a year at least that we started using it as mum had wanted . Maybe you should be giving your mum some emotional support instead of spending her cash!!!

These situations are delicate, by law your Mum and an auntie are the correct descendants without a will.

£15k to £100k is vastly different, I think if misc around £15k was assumed this would be the more likely amount to be split, £100k I would think too much. Leave it a little time, try amd bring the delicate subject up, but £4K is not worth ruining a relationship over. That or you could ask if you could have a loan, you’d assumed something and need it for something, it may prompt a memory, however very likely please remember she’s lost her Mum and is likely devastated and any mention of money will seem crass and she could be appalled. Normal relationships I imagine you will also inherit one day.

As others have said, it’s legally your Mum and Aunties money, but if she had specifically said 4 grandchildren would be gifted a share of £16k, which then transpired was worth £100k - why not gift the original amount?

Grandchildren would have the £4k they expected and Mum / Auntie would still have £84k more between them then they were expecting - seems a win -win ?!

She might be getting her ducks in a row to leave your dad. It's surprising how a lump sum of cash, that removes a woman's financial dependency on a man, can make you suddenly intolerant of the things you've been tolerating for years in a marriage. Happened to me. It was like a spotlight was suddenly switched on & shone on everything I'd been putting up with for years.

unless there was a will which stated the grandchildren should each receive x amount then the money goes to your mum and aunty. if they promised you an amount then backtracked thats bad but not illegal. Sorry but you are coming across as extremely entitled. No-one should expect an inheritance

I said "similar" - not "exactly the same"
*Sigh.

Has OP been back to explain exactly how the conversation went and who was involved?

How come the cousins and her brother havent also raised this, is this because it wasnt actually a promise as such, so they have different expectations to OP

Did OP mis understand something said?

It's her money. She shouldn't have said her plan was to treat you and then renege on it; that was unkind and unfair. I wouldn't say anything though. Just wait. You'll get it all eventually.

Has she reneged on it though, OP says she is treating her. Unless OP is able to set out the conversation and other conversations my bet is that she misunderstood what was said.

My Dad once promised me the family land as I was the only one that worked it for years - he left it to my brothers who had no interest in it. Talk is cheap. I never held my Dad to it - he did what he wanted to do.
Still baffled how much has changed with adult children feeling entitled to a house deposit. The cousins have taken out a mortgage and do they think their entitled to someone else should paying it off for them?

Finally I wonder how well off your mum actually is - how good is her pension? Maybe she has realised she’s not as financially invincible as she initially thought when she offered to share the inheritance. Your mums earning power is more limited due to her age.
inheritance really does bring out the ugly side in people.

I agree xx

Actually I think the aunt and the mum are being grabby. When you are being given the original amount plus £50k when you are already set up financially then the extra few thousand out of that £50k is a very small percentage.

It’s all very well saying your time will come but the situation these days is very different to previous generations. It used to be possible to save a deposit within a couple of years if you were careful with spending. The mum and aunt are already sorted so that money isn’t that important to them. For the OP it would be life-changing to enable her to get her own place. Not much help waiting until your 50s or 60s to get that money - you need it when you’re younger.

Being able to give out treats is an ego boost for the aunt and mum but isn’t really beneficial to the OP’s financial situation.