Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

Yes me too. My mother has an instrument valued at 40k. She's leaving it to charity and I'd thought she'd leave it to her grandchildren. Felt disappointing given how much they will need the money in the future

It’s really shit OP. Especially since you have stated how much a cash figure would help you and your brother out

Id ask cousins if they have received anything - if so I would take this to your mum.

As a mother, in that situation I’d want to ensure my children were given a decent uplift. As you have quite rightly said, it’s not like she desperately ‘needs’ the money.

I would be very hurt @Virgoschild and I cant imagine doing that to my children.
They dont wanna help you = you dont have to help them, that would be my position.
I'd make the right noises so as to score some points (like they did) but when push came to shove I wouldn't put myself out or make any sacrifices on their account.

This has happened in our family. My GM saved to leave each grandchild a small bequest (about £500). I think it was in her will. This was incredibly important to her. She'd told me about it for years (I told her to spend it!). When she passed, at least one of her DC didn't pass it down to their DC because I was told to never mention it to cousins. Apparently they had helped their DC enough & needed the money.

DM couldn't keep my share because I knew about it (suspect she would have otherwise). I know she withheld other money from me, that she told MIL about, and I was relieved as we desperately needed it, just getting married. I wasn't entitled legally, so never said anything, but 25 years on it still makes me angry. DM would definitely have spent it on yet more (overpriced) clothes she didn't need, not ever wear.

So I've learned that people are greedy & fairness goes out the window. Until you have the money, don't count it.

The money is still in your mother's keeping.

Make headway in saving for a property and, once ready to search, ask your mother directly if she would like to contribute anything, always prepared for her to say NO.

It could be that all of you four are not as stable in your intentions to put money into a home purchase. Your mother and her aunt might be safekeeping what they think, one of you will waste right now.

Clearly one, or both of them, or their spouses; changed their mind and now disagree with their initial plan.

As for a meaningful keepsake; definitely ask your mother if there is anything personal you can have to remind you of your loving Grandmother.

Understood, but you'll get no resolution unless you do ask her. Do you have so done who could help you construct a reasonable way to approach this with her? Based on the renegging of what she promised, that's the important point

How sad that your mum wouldn’t want to help you out. I’d be really upset by this and probably go NC for a bit!

Never understood why people leave to charity when they have family 😲

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

How was it made clear and if it was so clear why can you not ask about the 4k (and only the 4k) in a non-confrontational / non-money grabbing way? She didn't make you any promises about what turned out to be a much larger amount than 4k, but what did she explicitly say to you, your brother and your cousins about this predicted 4k amount? You need to tell her that you and your brother always understood there would be about 4k coming to you, and whilst you very much appreciate her idea of giving gifts, actually a lump sum of a few thousand pounds could make a big difference for you. If she doesn't want to give it, she doesn't want to. If she wants to see you and your brother (I assume you and he are unified on this matter?) as awful and money-grabbing arseholes for gently raising the question, then that's also what she wants to do and maybe you will get some perspective on what the relationship between you and your mother is in reality.

"It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each."

The Grandmother might not have made promises, but her own mother did.

Yes. Her mother. So not at all similar. No one's wishes for their estate were usurped after their death. A mother and her sister changed their minds about making a gift, offered in the midst of grief, to their children once the estate was fully understood.

I did.

Never understood why people leave to charity when they have family 😲

I think if in this case the charity would use the instrument rather than sell it then that would make sense.

That's a big if though!

Hope you can speak to your mum about this calmly OP. It sounds like she is grieving and perhaps doesn't want to make any decisions yet? What sort of a relationship do you have?

I don't blame you for being disappointed if it does turn out she doesn't give you anything.

I think that's a good call. The GC can't split the instrument without selling it, and if it's that valuable presumably it has some cultural significance. If the charity is connected to the music, I'd say that makes perfect sense. Presumably that's not whole the extent of her estate.

You can buy a copy (of any) will online for £10.
That’s where I would be starting.
Good luck.

Death and inheritance brings out the worst in people. One of my neighbours died last year and all his family were interested in was whether he had any money.

It’s disappointing that the OP did not receive any of her grandmother’s estate. My parents willingly gave me some of their inheritance when my grandparents died.

Well that would be a complete waste of £10

I think it's a shame that any money going to the grandchildren was ever mentioned before everything was sorted out and it was clear exactly how much money was involved and therefore what people's feelings and expectations would be surrounding it. I think at least the mother could have come back to the op and let her know that plans had changed for whatever reason. Equally, it would be a good idea for OP to raise it with her mother as others have suggested and just ask what is happening one way or the other.

However, I do think OP is unreasonable to have expected the £25k rather than the original £4k mentioned when it became clear the assets were worth more. I think that was quite entitled and if the 'excitement' that has been mentioned was conveyed to the mother and aunt it may go some way to explaining why there was a change of heart. It could have come across as quite crass. Obviously this may not be the case.

Also, I don't understand why OP has mentioned being upset about not being offered a keepsake. Why not ask for one? That's quite a normal thing to do. I wonder if any help was offered with clearing the house? That's what I did when my elderly aunt died - I went with my mum to clear the house and while there chose a couple of items to keep. I'm not saying you have to help to receive keepsakes - people aren't always in a position to help anyway - but if OP never mentioned any and perhaps was talking excitedly about the money, maybe the dm and aunt assumed that keepsakes weren't wanted. They also may have had enough to do with admin and grief etc and just didn't think of it.

Finally, I don't like this talk of the dm not needing the money as she has a decent pension and the father still works. Does OP know exactly how much the pension is and how much other money the dm has? Maybe the father would really like to stop working now? Who is the OP, and PPs on here, to decide these people don't need the money? Maybe it has made them feel financially secure for the first time and they are enjoying that feeling for a while and will help OP later on. I know it's a nightmare getting on the property ladder now but it's not true that everyone of the dm's generation has no money worries and should be happy to hand over thousands without a thought. It definitely shouldn't have been mentioned before the decision had been committed to though.

And why they need to revise as they age and family circumstances change.

100% Yes. But in this case it wouldn't have helped because the grandmother herself wasn't the one promising the money to the grandchildren - it went to her children, and it was them who promised money to their children. We don't know whether the grandmother intended her grandchildren to inherit anything. As I've said above, I think it's a shame that so few grandparents leave anything to their grand children or great children, the generations who are nowadays the ones in greatest need of a leg up due to insane housing costs, childcare costs, etc. But I do the the tide turning a little and there are more elderly people leaving at least something monetary to their grandchildren these days. It's certainly something I often suggest/advocate for when I'm doing will/IHT planning, not just for IHT reasons but also just to help the younger generations - lots of elderly clients didn't even think about doing so until I suggested it!

For exactly the same reason they leave money to the carer who visits 3 times a day, the neighbour who helps them. They may consider that leaving £200k to a charity is better than to children who have plenty of money of their own.

I totally agree! Op you are young and at the start of your life with opportunities to work and invest. Your mum’s chances to earn are over. This financial gift from your mum is the only opportunity she will have to inherit.

Do you know how much the experts are saying one has to have in reserve for care in old age nowadays? It’s frightening! Have a Google!

I am sure in time that the money will come to you and your brother. You don’t know if your mum will be investing in some savings products for your both or not? Either way it’s entirely up to her.

Maybe she does not want your brother spending the money on a cosmetic procedure and maybe she feels you need to prove yourself a bit more in terms of spending and saving before she is happy passing it over? Who knows? But it’s her decision to make.

Sorry op, I can understand you being disappointed, but I can’t stand it (and you see it so much on here nowadays) when posters say something like;

“My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.”

Sorry to sound harsh but I would be tempted to leave you out of the inheritance simply for making breathtakingly arrogant assumptions about whether your mum needs or deserves the money left to her by her own mother, more than you do!

You are neither qualified or entitled to make that decision I’m afraid.

You said “it was clear” that money was going to be left to you but based on what evidence?

Maybe your mum or grandmother have changed their minds. And that’s their prerogative too.

If your grandmother had a burning desire to give you and your sibling and cousins something directly then she would have made it happen.

Op you have no idea what sacrifices your mum has made for you throughout her working life. She may be rich in assets in your eyes and have very little spending money. She will have plans for that money that may or may not involve you. And it’s up to you to wait and find out eventually, not badger your mother who is grieving. Grow up, stand on your own two feet, be grateful you still have your parents.

be grateful you still have your parents
Parents who are rolling in money and yet won't help their children who are struggling, I can't see anything to be grateful for @Allbutterwaffle68