Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

No where did the op say her parents were rolling in money. That’s your choice of words
trumpisvomitous.

Her mum is retired. Is perfectly possible to have assets and not much spare spending money. And at her mum’s age, no one knows what the future holds about care home fees or social care.

That’s all beside the point anyway. OP’s gm decided to entrust the money to her dd and not her gd. So it’s her mum’s call.

Also, sorry, you can’t see anything to be grateful for to parents outside of them providing their offspring with money? That’s rather skewed values isn’t it?

It also doesn't say the grandchildren are struggling - brother wants a cosmetic procedure done and OP was hoping for a house deposit but no info given about savings/jobs. I don't think we can consider it struggling based on the info we have.

Or alternatively rather than grabby you could see it as the daughter is the only one currently working and therefore paying her mum's pension and until very recently also paying her grandmother's pension, she might feel that it would be nice if they returned some of that largesse.

YANBU, my mother said similar when she inherited from her mother, then when she got the money never mentioned it again and neither me or my sibling ever saw anything. She also happily talks about how we probably shouldn't expect to inherit anything from her.

It is what it is - I wish she'd never said anything rather than having said she'd do one thing then changed her mind and not done it, but I have never raised it with her. I think my sister was more annoyed than I was, but my mum also has form for saying she's going to gift money or pay for things, and she rarely follows through tbh.

You could ask your mum "it's totally fine if you've changed your mind, but I just wanted to check.. you know you said me and the cousins might get £4k from grans estate? Have you decided not to do that?"

Promises are unfortunately only worth the paper they're written on.

My grandmother promised my sisters and I would receive all her jewellery upon her passing. Lots of hereditary jewellery passed down the female line sort of thing. She had no daughters, and we were her only granddaughters. When the sad day happened, it turned out there was no will. My uncle was the administrator (think that's the term when it's intestate rather than executor) and passed all the jewellery on to his cousins. My sister's and I got nothing. He knew perfectly well that his mother wished to pass down the jewellery to us, but he hated my mother and couldn't stand to have us benefit more than what what he had to give to my dad as part of the estate.

So yeah. You can know what the person intended, but without the will as a legal contract it means nothing once they're gone.

I feel for you OP and both my husband and I have been in similar situations. My dad died suddenly without a will and his wife kept everything without a backwards glance. When my husband's gran died she left a considerable amount to his mum and aunt. His mum bought a massive house that is far bigger than she needs. I realise this is an investment but by the time he gets anything it'll be when he's past the time in his life when he could really do with it and will likely just pass it straight on to our children. I'm afraid on here you'll get told that this attitude is grabby but I think things are different now that people live longer and everything is so much more expensive.

You’ll get what’s coming when your parents die if you’re in the will. The money is theirs. It’s bad reneging on a promise but they can, and have. Move on

I think that other people can seem well off, but that might not be how your mum feels, so it's kind of irrelevant what you think. It's not about perceived need - that money was a gift from her mother, who she clearly is upset to have lost. If I inherited money, I would think very carefully about what I did with it. I would want to honor the dead relative's wishes and I definitely wouldn't give it to people who, "need" it if I thought they weren't going to make good use of it. At the same time, I am a mother and I can't imagine not wanting to help my children if I was in a position to do so.

Obviously you are not entitled to anything, but I think you could possibly ask about the 4K that your mum and aunt offered you. I think you could say you feel awkward bringing it up, but that you are wondering what the status of it is. It's a bit weird for your mum not to keep you in the loop. If your mum has changed her mind, then that's her right, but it would be at least good to know for sure.

I think for the sake of 4K I would personally prefer to keep my dignity and not ask though. would probably view my mum differently though - why make it clear she will give you a gift, then not follow through? It is a bit strange.

Not sure why you feel entitled to anything here. The vast majority of estates pass to next of kin, usually spouse or dc. Where you die intestate this is generally what happens.

Your mum/aunty were only ever considering passing a relatively small amount to you, there's no reason they would have to pass you a share of a much larger pot and either way its entirely in their gift and it would be generous if they chose to do so. Its definitely not a legal issue.

Its a shame she suggested she would give you some then hasn't. I think its common for people to imagine they'll generously share before they actually receive something, then find it harder to follow through and actually hand over large sums. My father use to talk about how he'd share out anything he inherited and wouldn't When it came to it and he received around £60k, he gave my siblings and i a couple of grand each. I didn't mind, it was his windfall not mine.

But the mum and aunt said the grandchildren would get the proceeds of the items. In my mind that's a promise.

How do you do this please?

Why do posters keep banging on about what the mum said? she made a verbal promise that's not legally binding and she changed her mind. She didnt even know what the value of the stuff was when she said. Is it nice that she changed her mind? No. OP is understandably upset, but its her mother's prerogative to decide what she does with her inheritance and she's changed her mind. OP needs to pull on her big girl pants and move on. Promises are broken all the time that's just life.

🎶Money changes everything🎶

—Cydndi Lauper

I’m sorry, @Virgoschild— but money brings out the worst in people.
I guess you’re finding that out, even with people you’ve known your entire life.
Theyll have to answer for it, in this life or the next.
Hold your head up and always do what’s right.
Sending love from across an ocean ❤️

With all due respect, surely you’ll get it once your mum dies? Realistically it’s shitty but it’s her money from her mum.

Happy story: parent with little inherits a modest amount. Parent shares an even more modest amount with child. Child uses the money for a house deposit.Child gets married and has kids. Husband and kids all benefit (and learn about the grandparent). Parent who shared, and shared without strings, is admired and respected for their generosity. Deceased grandparent’s memory lives on and is remembered fondly as they’d have been over the moon at what a difference this relatively small but timely sum made and how that difference echoed down the years.

Sad story: parent inherits and promises big things but shares nothing. Distrust and unhappiness sowed for years to come.

I would at least try to discuss with your mum about the fact that if she keeps hold of all of it, which she is perfectly entitled to do as intestacy rules follow a clear protocol, but if she does, and she owns her home, there is a good chance a massive chunk of it would go to the government as inheritance tax when she herself passes away.

This can be avoided if she passes it on now and survives another 7 years.

When looked at in this light most older adults would rather their kids had it than the government.

However I would discuss it only once, if she wants to keep it don't lose your relationship with your mum over money.

When dh inherited from his dad we gave ds 4k (estate wasn't very large). He wasn't left anything in the will but we told him to buy something in memory of his late grandparents. I know you weren't left anything in the will but when your mum has promised you something, it's very disappointing that she hasn't followed through on it.

Sure, the parent is legally correct but morally that’s another story. She wouldn’t be morally wrong either had she not acted the big I am and promised money to people. And yes, promises are broken all the time however, that has consequences on relationships. You don’t string people along, or at least not in my world. And you don’t gaslight them by conveniently forgetting the original promise and offering no further information.

The 4k yes. Anything else no. Broach the 4k as pp have suggested but don't gripe that you think you should have more.

DH inherited when his mum died with no Will. He split it between DCS so they got about 20k each. Exactly what grandparents would have wanted. neither of us would have done anything else. If you have a home and enough to live on, why would you?

I just don't get this weirdness around money in families.
Inheritance is such an unearned blessing anyway - a bit like winning the lottery. I just can't imagine being financially solvent - savings and decent pension - and not wanting to use at least some of this bonus money to help my children - or even worse, promise to help and then renege on the offer. Who does this unless there's some huge backstory of gambling or addiction?

Yes of course, no one is denying anything you've said, but the point is OP isnt getting 4K and needs to accept that. All this talk of getting legal advice, calling the cousins etc just makes OP look desperate and greedy.

Stuff the legal nonsense. The mum went back on her word. Morally that's an awful thing to do to your child 🤦‍♂️