Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

Yes but interest rates jump up at 100,000 so it might get a much heathier return if they don't break it in advance.

I'm not defending, just suggesting what the thinking might be.

This!

whats stopping you from asking? You can’t expect more, but you can ask about the 4k. If it’s a no, then at least you can stop
wondering about it. Clearly, you’ve every right to feel miffed though.

There's nothing immoral about two daughters inheriting from their mother. The OP will just need to wait her turn.

Agree.
But it makes some posters feel so much better (momentarily) to join the pile-on of the OP and call her grabby. MN at its finest.

But telling them something isn't the same as having a will.

I didn’t expect this to blow up so fast…and wow some of these responses are wild.

Those who decided to be rude rather than helpful - go and get a hug off someone, you clearly need it.

to answer some queries:

1. there is no will
2. I know I’m not legally entitled to anything and I have no intention of legally pursuing anything
3. I haven’t asked my cousins whether they’ve received anything for a while - this is a good idea and I will check with them
4. I think that I would have been less bothered if we weren’t promised the money from these assets.
5. my brother and I have not been given the originally promised 4k

No but there is something immoral about telling someone that they are receiving something but then deciding to keep it when it is worth more than they thought.

Its shitty behaviour and I would argue makes the Mother and Aunt the grabby ones.

Why don't you just ask your mum about it then? Then you could get an actual answer.

For the reasons in my OP

@BillieWiper Imagine you had a boyfriend who promised to take you out for a lovely meal for your birthday, and pay for it, as a treat. Then when the bill arrived, he only paid half, and you had to pay the other half. Of course there’s no legal obligation for him to pay the whole bill. So you’d pay your half, but you’d be naturally a bit pissed off about it. And the fact that you didn’t have a written contract stating he was treating you, wouldn’t make it feel any better.

She may be concerned about care costs when she's older - perhaps had not thought of that before. Money may come to you eventually.
Meanwhile if she can fund some care when she needs it that may take pressure off you.

I would definitely speak to your cousins OP.
How does your brother feel about it? Is he able to accept it, or is he tempted to ask your Mum?

I think the OP knows there is no legal basis for claim but she is disappointed by her mum and Aunty for no following through with a promise they made.
The fact that it hasn’t been raised in conversation makes it difficult.

i can’t imagine not sharing this with my adult children especially if I was comfortable and they were not.

If there was no will I am not sure why you think you have an entitlement?

@PorridgeEater OP’s Mum has £50k more than she expected, on top of the original inheritance. You’d think that having promised her kids £4k each before knowing she was getting that extra £50k, she’d be feeling less worried about money than before, not more worried.

Read the OP.

You'd rather sit with resentment than attempt a difficult conversation?

You're resentful after quite a bit of time and I think that'd be more damaging to your relationship with your mother.

If you can't let it go- just ask her.

Well, obviously. But why say something if you don't mean it. It is still hurtful to make a promise to someone you love and then go back on it without any explanation or even mention. Weird way to treat your children.

I don’t. I stand by what I said. Her turn will come.

@Rachie1973 why did you say that OP was expecting her Mum and Aunt to split the inheritance 4 ways and keep nothing for themselves? Because that is not what OP said. As I said, I’d suggest having another read.

The mother - no idea about the aunty - IS passing on some money, just not as cash or with the speed the OP wants, it's coming in the form of "treats". Yes OP is understandably pissed off at not getting the 4k but the expectation that she'd get more when she was never told it would be more than that is why she's being called grabby. And she is benefiting from the money, just not in the way she wants.

No answer to my question about savings so seems like OP may not have saved anything towards a deposit.

OP if you dont have a lifetime ISA then use that as an excuse to ask your mother for help. Say you'd like to start saving towards a deposit in the ISA and you are raising it now because they wont be available much longer and the replacement scheme may be less generous. Your mother may not have thought about helping you set one up. If she does have doubts about your ability to save she might see the benefit of that.

Actually thats sort of implied in the OP, thats how I read it. Perhaps thats not what OP meant

The other assets would be split 4 ways, so either 15k or 100k but still split 4 ways

It isn’t, but as far as I can tell from her post, OP didn’t at any point think that she was in the will, and her mother and auntie didn’t think OP was in the will either. The OP was told she would get £4k, on the basis that her mother and aunt knew they would be the only ones to inherit and had chosen to pass on some of the money to their children.

Some PPs are answering as though OP thought she was in the will to the tune of £4k, but then it turned out she wasn’t in the will but expected her mother to cough up anyway. I don’t think that’s the case- who would inherit was known by everyone involved all along, but then the mother and auntie told the grandchildren that they had chosen to pass on a share.

OP is not legally entitled to the money, and her mother and auntie haven’t done anything legally wrong. But, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to believe your own parent when they say they are going to give you a cash gift.

My own son is still young but in the future, if I told him I was going to give him a cash gift, especially a specific amount, I’m sure he would believe me. I’m his mum, he ought to be able to trust that I mean what I say, especially about something significant like that. Even when he’s a grown man. And if I suddenly found myself in a position where I could no longer follow through, I would at least let him know instead of leaving him wondering! Alternatively, if I wasn’t 100% sure I would be giving it, I wouldn’t mention giving him money in the first place until I was ready to commit.

I find it really, really strange to think that anyone would offer their children money, change their mind, and just not say anything.

Your mum essentially offered you around £4,000 from her inheritance but because of the mistake over valuing you think you should get more of her money. ("No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.")To the extent that you're listing the things you could do with the money. That is where you're coming across as if you've got £££ signs in your eyes. It's not for you to decide whether or not your mother 'needs' her inheritance. It's her inheritance full stop. If you'd said to her, of course you wouldn't expect to receive more money than she initially thought she was offering maybe you'd be in a different situation now. Or maybe not, given that four years after her mother's death she's still extremely upset and not coping. That's quite a long time, and she could maybe use some support - with no strings attached.

I had similar when my Mother passed away. She had around £100k in the bank which she'd always said (to both us and to my step father) that her money would be split between the siblings as step father had his own savings of equal value and also lived in my mother's house - which would come to us after both of their deaths. She died suddenly without a will. Step father kept all of her money and the house.