Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

@ThejoyofNC OP says “there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.”

My understanding was that whilst Mum and Aunt thought the miscellaneous assets would amount to about £15k, they were happy to donate it. But since discovering it’s much more, they’ve changed their minds.

As the inheritance went to your mum and not her children so it's up to her if she gives you any, of course youd feel sad about it. It is sad. If it were me id help my children out bfore me as its painful to watch my children suffer financially. However everyone is just not the same. Your mum knows about your financial struggles and is not offering to help, its a tough pill to swallow and ive been there too. Sorry 🙁

You shouldn't approach her, as it will look like you just care about the money. Maybe drop subtle hints here and there, oh I cant afford to .. such and such ..maybe ? There's not much you can do.

@TaxBrain Mum and Aunt promised the grandchildren about £4k each, but have changed their minds, which is their prerogative, but not very nice.

I’d love to hear from parents that do this. It’s completely alien to me.

I just don’t understand how a parent thinks this is morally right, even if just the intial Promise of the £4K was given, but I suppose everyone’s different, my dad won £15k on a bet (years ago) and split the 5k between me and my 2 brothers, he didn’t even need to tell us he won but he likes to help his kids when he can.

@outerspacepotato Mum and Aunt promised the grandchildren the sum of the miscellaneous assets, which they thought would be about £4k each. It turns out the assets amounted to £85k more than they thought. So even with costs and bills to settle, I reckon they could still spare £4k each for the grandchildren.

I have money earmarked for my DC from an inheritance. Which I'll give them when I'm good and ready, when I think they're ready to receive it and do something sensible with it. I know people will say you can't give a gift with conditions, which is why I haven't given it yet.

I think it is this. They might have felt comfortable to give a smaller amount with "no strings" but there could be reason they don't want to do this yet with a larger amount. It need not be related to you op. Is there, perhaps, a spendthrift cousin - or a current partner on the scene they could envisage encouraging a "blow out" with the funds?

Yes, i don't understand why they didn't do this to keep the peace - and hold the rest back if they have a reason in mind. That said, once you start cutting into a lump sum it does dwindle.

If your mum originally agreed that £15k would be split 4 ways and hasn’t even done this and went on to keep £100k for her and her sister, that’s pretty unpleasant.
Don't be scared, ask her.

Did you read the OP

She says there is no will

Mum and aunty had 'promised' to divide some of the cash assets is all, and OP was told this

OP no, you are not entitled to anything and yes you will look money grabbing

The law means the estate passes to your mum and aunty, assuming no living partner of grandmother and no other siblings.

So thats that.

I would have just sent a text going 'hey mum, just wondering if you had any idea when im likely to get that money you promised from Gran, as just trying to do a bit of planning'
Nice and casual, and with the assumption that you are still getting the money (because as far as you know you still are!)

Yes you can - might be worth looking

This thread is demonstrating more than ever that some people can’t be bothered to read!!

For those who struggle with paragraphs:-

1. OP knows she’s not legally entitled to anything.
2. There wasn’t a will
3. Mum and Aunt promised the grandchildren a share of some of the assets
4. The assets turned out to be worth more than expected, but rather than getting more than expected, the grandchildren have got nothing

And its not money grabbing - if your mum told you that she was going to give you a free sofa and then the sofa never materialised, and you text asking if she was still planning on giving you a sofa, its not 'sofa grabbing' its just being normal - much weirder for you both to pretend the conversation never happened!

It doesn't matter how you feel, or what you think will make your life easier, the money wasn't explicitly left to you.

It isn't a huge amount so all you can do is move on.

I find it so icky that anyone can think they are entitled to money above their parent - who is the child of the benefactor.

Move on and earn your own money.

But why not just give them the original £4k that they promised?

I totally understand how you feel OP.
That money would make a huge difference to you and pretty insignificant to your mum and auntie.
I appreciate your resentment which is likely to worsen.
I would be inclined to bring it up with her.
Take care OP

Thems the breaks.

There was no will so the OP needs to forget about it.

Yep MIL has done the same, after FIL passed DH & siblings inheritance is tied up in trust in the house (all completely normal) and MIL inherited cash, which obviously and legally is completely hers. She made a HUGE song and dance about making fairly sizeable regular gifts to all the grandchildren, which in all honesty DH and his siblings found tough to hear as they are all in financial situations where a £5/10k would really make a difference (eg new car needed, no holiday for years)

Anyway, MIL has not made a single gift to anyone, which is completely her decision to make, and no one would expect it, if she hadn’t promised it.

@Diosmonet why would the Mum and Aunt break their promise though?

It's always hard to ask for money for yourself but could you ask your mum about the money and say how much it will help your brother? That way yoy look altruistic rather than money grabbing but any response she gives is likely to apply to you all. Whilst she is not legally obliged to give the money to you, reneging on her promise of £4k is pretty mean and very tight considering she and your aunt would still have over £40k each left from the assets.

People do have the right to change their minds.

Ok, so they’re legally entitled. But among my friends and family, most parents of adult children who have inherited from their own parents, have passed on at least part of it, and in some cases most or all of it.

So I do think the OP’s mother and aunt are being pretty bloody mean.

I think it's very unfortunate that the OP's mother made that promise before she knew whether she would definitely be keeping it. I do have some sympathy for her though and think that financial insecurity can become more of a worry in retirement.

I had an inheritance nearly a decade ago and made the decision to pass nearly half of it on to my children straight away because they were at a stage of life where it would be very useful for them. I was still working and had no anxieties about doing this.

I'm likely to receive another inheritance sometime in the future, but my feelings about passing it on have gradually changed. I'm now retired and not being able to earn additional cash if it's ever needed due to major problems with the house or some other emergency. This will probably make me want to hang onto it more. I think in my case I would probably make gifts to my children and grandchildren in line with the HMRC limits every year, even if I don't feel confident enough to pass on a lump sum.

I think OP needs to talk to her mother about what her plans are for the money. I think disappointment is understandable, but the bitterness is unreasonable because there was never any obligation to pass on any money under the law.

Yes, you hadn't quite got to my next post where I say I don't understand why they didn't do that.

My only answer is that possibly once they took everyone's 4,000 out, the sum was less useful in terms of good term deposit/investment returns. Lump sums do whittle away with a few grand here, a few grand there!