Mum keeping whole of grandmother’s inheritance

[Virgoschild]

My maternal grandmother passed around 4 years ago without a will. My mum was dealing with the estate and tbh the passing is still very raw for her.

It was clear that proceeds of my grandmothers property would be split between her daughters (my mum and aunty) and there was going to be about £15k misc assets/cash which was promised (by my mum and aunty) to be split between all the ‘grandchildren’ I.e. me, my brother and 2 cousins. we’d get about £4k each.

Anyway, these assets were valued and came in at £100k (not £15k!). These have been sold and my mum and aunty have kept the proceeds. Grandchildren have received nothing and it does not appear that we will be receiving anything. There has been no further conversation about this. No acknowledgment of what was promised or any increase discussed.

Instead, my mum has mentioned ‘treating’ us now and again. Paying for a meal out or getting us gifts such as jewellery. For context, these gifts arent expensive or frequent and there is absolutely no indication that she’ll be gifting us stuff to the value of the above btw.

My mum is financially stable. No mortgage, recently retired, decent pension, my dad still works. My aunty is in a similar position. The inheritance hasn’t really made a significant impact on their lives.

A large lump sum could really change all our lives. It could go towards a deposit for a house or pay privately for an operation that my brother is on a NHS waiting list for - tbf more cosmetic than health related. So when we were told about the increase in value we all got really excited thinking what this means to us all.

I feel angry that my mum didn’t follow through on this. Coupled with the fact that we haven’t been gifted anything of meaning from my grandmothers possessions I am feeling somewhat resentful.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter. I feel like the conversation just wouldn’t go well, especially as my mum is still so upset by the death.

So AIBU? Also if anyone has any insight which might help me understand my mums position, I’d appreciate it.

Inheritance moves to the generation below, and then yours comes in the fullness of time, surely?

It's a hard one because if your grandmother wanted you to inherit anything from her estate she'd have made a will, and she didn't.

However, I do think it's bad form of your mum and aunt to have promised to give you some money and then to have changed their minds without having the decency to at least tell you why. If I said "hey friend, I'm going to give you £4k" and then just never mentioned it again I think they'd be in their rights to be hurt and cross with me.

My mum told me she'd pass on some money to help me out when she inherited from my grandmother, which she then did. I can imagine that I'd feel similarly hurt if she'd gone back on that promise with no explanation. I'm not sure whether I'd casually raise it or not.....but I'd never believe her promises again.

I’d be really hurt by this. I just can’t imagine having everything I need already myself, inheriting a half share in a property, and 50K on top of that and not using it to help my children with things like getting on the property ladder. I don’t blame you for feeling upset.

Haven't read all the posts but am sure you'll be told you're 'grabby' by a number of posters.

I don't think you are. I've been on the receiving end of financial promises from my family that have never materialised and it's really upsetting. My sister has had endless handouts from my parents, who've always said they'll make it fair in the end, now it turns out they're doing no such thing. It's their money to do with as they want, but don't make promises you're not going to keep. They've got a history of doing this anyway. Said when I was at university that they'd give me enough money that I wouldn't get into debt. They gave me no money until the third year, when I got really ill and they pretty much had to. I've never asked them for a penny but this idea of an 'inheritance' has been lorded over me my whole life and now it turns out there probably isn't one. Ah well.

Anyway, families can really suck. But I don't know yours and they might not be like mine at all - is there any chance your mum just can't deal with this right now, and will make good on her promises once she's not reeling from grief any more?

If your grandmother had wanted to leave you a legacy, she could have made a will, but she did not and her estate passed to her children under the intestacy provisions. This is what usually happens even if there is a will. Your mother led you to expect a gift of money which has not, so far, materialised. There are many possible reasons for this:

being an executor may have turned out to be a lot more time-consuming and a lot more mentally and emotionally exhausting than she expected, leading her to feel that she has more than earned whatever sum she has inherited;

she may have done her sums properly for the first time and realised that she needs the full sum to secure her finances in retirement, or she wants to put some aside for unpleasant contingencies such as care costs or home alterations;

she may be holding back some money for you, on the basis that you don't really need it at present and she will hand it over when she thinks the time is right.

As others have pointed out, your mother has done nothing wrong in law and people are entitled to change their minds. You are likely to inherit from your mother at some point, although obviously that cannot be guaranteed. Your options are to have the difficult conversation with your mother, or accept that you are not going to get any benefit from grandmother's estate and put it out of your mind, or to keep dwelling on the money and what you could have done with it, in which case it will eat away at you.

Yes - death and money arent taboo subjects in my family - its often easier to discuss trickier things by text as the other person can reply at their leisure/preferred headspace too! However, while i know a few other families like this myself, not all families are the same - interestingly, I come from a working class background and this wouldnt be seen as an out of place conversation, whereas I mix with people brought up very middle class now and opinions would differ!
To put it into context, in my family, the person who originally made the offer would be mortified that they'd forgotten to follow up and say if it was/wasnt happening, and would say 'why didnt you say anything?!?' If they remembered!

In my case, my grandmother expected that her money would be shared with her 4 grandchildren from 3 children, but did not specifically outline it. My dad kept his chunk for himself, my cousins got given a not-insubstantial lump sum. If it’s not in the will, there is nothing to be done. The lesson in it is to make your own will watertight. It sucks but it’s technically now their money not yours.

This. If you want to know then ask. But you aren’t entitled to anything, no one should expect inheritance. It’s a nice gift from a loved one after they’ve gone if they have left it to you.

If there is no will, the money goes to your grandmother's children however many there are which sounds like your mother and her sister. Doesn't matter what you thought you were getting ,what you'd quite like, how useful it would be. The money is not yours, it never was and never will be unless your mother leaves it to you in a will ,Or doesn't leave a will and doesn't have a husband. You do you come across as money grabbing because it's not your money.

You aren't legally entitled to it but it's really crap of them to promise their kids a modest share and then change their minds. Sounds like they were happy to promise a hand out when it was a small amount but when it was a big chunk they decided to keep it all. So they have a lot more than expected and you have nothing at all despite the promise.

Nothing much you can do about it unfortunately and asking would sound grabby.

Your mother and aunt don't have to give you a penny. You're not entitled to it because you aren't your grandmother's next of kin.

Yes, it would be nice if they gave some of it to you. But they're not obliged to and you shouldn't have assumed it would definitely happen.

Presumably when your mother dies, you'll inherit from her.

Let it go. You have no right to this money, treating your family to a few meals out is enough.
It sounds like your DM has been financially stable with her head screwed on, you’ll get inheritance when she is dead.

I don’t feel like I can raise it with my mum either without looking like an awful money grabbing daughter.

Well your mum now looks like a money grabbing mother to you so there is that. Lots of people will come and tell you that you are not entitled to anything, that you don’t have a legal claim, etc. and they would be right. However I don’t think your thread is about that at all. It’s about your mum and her decision not to deliver on her promise to you and her unwillingness to help you financially when she has the means and when you need it most. Personally I could never do that to my children. I’m sorry you are experiencing this, OP. As a mother myself, the first thing I would want to do in a similar situation is make sure my kids are all set.

If she's changed her mind theres nothing you can do about it

The money can be used by her to buy any and all help and support she needs for the rest of her life, which is good. It means she won't need your help for anything, which you can tell her. Maybe suggest she puts some aside to pay for her care in years to come.

What was the property ofyour grandmother OP, was it one of those retirement properties that were difficult to sell and racked up a load of charges during the period of the estate?

Just wondering if that might have been part of the issue.

Oh that is upsetting.

Your only option is to ask what made her change her mind, however, despite the promises, it is her money now to do as she pleases.

However, given that any wealth for us common folk is sucked up by care costs, I do think it is selfish for parents/grandparents hold onto their money until they unfortunately pass (only if they have been comfortable financially in retirement).

Look on the bright side, one day you might get to choose her care home.

Who dealt with the probate and selling the assets?
What gave them authority to do that? Property Stocks & Shares?
The authority for those actions and dealing with funeral and HMRC is a will.
The person who usually takes charge is a solicitor.
So follow the money.
I suspect there was a will and I would want to speak to the Solicitor who sold Assets worth £100,000. No one is going to do that casually. Solicitors would be very cautious.
Where are the accounts? The itemised sale details. What costs were involved what bank account was the money paid into?
Because of the money laundering regulations there will be a trail. You can't ask for £that sort of money in used notes these days. .

Wealth always travels down in my family. My Grandparents cleared their children’s mortgages and the entirety of what my parent received when my Grandparents died was split between me and my siblings. I will do the same with any inheritance from my parent-it will go to my children.

When there is no will, you approach a solicitor and ask them to act on your behalf to go through probate. You can go through probate yourself but it can be a lot of work

My mum had to do this, there was no will, she instructed a solicitor and was the executor. We wouldnt have managed probate ourselves without a solicitor it would have been to complex.

My parents' wills were revised before my father died to primarily benefit his grandchildren and two nieces.
I think it is a great idea to do this. No sense or need as much for middle aged adults to inherit when it is likely to be the generation below who could benefit most.
My dad was always good with money bless him 🙏 ❤️❤️❤️

I don't see how you can know how all these funds were to be split when there's no will. If there's no will then it just all goes to NOK.

Presuming you personally aren't NOK to the deceased I think you probably should just leave it.

Any monies coming to you would be strictly on a good will basis if there's nothing legal backing up these supposed promised funds.

Mum sounds grabby and I think she needs telling so.

Who wants the odd treat of jewellery when they have a family to raise?

Really quite selfish behaviour, IMO.

Did you miss the bit where op said her mum and aunt told the 4 grandchildren they would each get a share of the grandmother's assets? That's how they knew. They were told.