Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

13 years with my partner not married not interested in marriage, house almost paid off, kids good jobs etc so if my partner followed your advice you would be the wrong whos wrong.

I think he should split up with you.
Then you can marry another person.
And so can he, if that's what he wants.

You are right to be unhappy; this man is a loser and, will drag you down to his insecure level, so much so you won’t know if you are coming or, going.
Please, please be aware this man is not going to make you a bride; he will stall indefinitely and, be a real deterrent to your happiness.
Whilst he plays fast and loose with your feelings, your body clock is ticking, ticking away.
Think of that song by Jarvis Cocker and Don’t let him waste your time. Time is too, too precious a commodity to thrown it away on a man who is stalling.
Do you want children? Do you want a home? Do you want to build your life?
Please walk away.
I am in my sixties and went through this with a complete waste of space who never wanted to marry - ever. Don’t be like me. 😥

first things first has he cheated or lied or given you the impression you were not for him if not why then try to force a relationship direction as for others saying get rid that's not their call you got the choice where you want to go but remember throwing it away just because has not ready maybe a mistake but that's your call judge him on what has done hasn't cheated or lied then just let be and ask him again when you feel its right go from their stupid people make stupid choices make the call which way you want to but remember judge by what you know not what you think you know

I think proposing after two years when you already knew he wasn't ready is totally unreasonable. Two years is not long enough to know whether you want to make such a huge commitment. How old are you?

If I had been this clear with my partner repeatedly that I wasn’t ready and/or didnt want to get married and he staged a “proper” proposal anyway, I’d probably end the relationship. It doesn’t matter what his parents said, it matters how he feels. He isn’t ready, and you’re not making him more ready by ignoring his clear feelings about it. Leave if that’s not good enough. You’re not listening to him.

It would be good to know how old she is.
Maybe she is mid-30s and desperate.
Maybe it could take too long to find someone new anyway - how quickly has she found potential long-term partners before?

Yes - he should probably call it a day.

OP - my heart goes out to you. Some of the comments are rather harsh. Many years ago I waited 3 years for someone to change their mind - they didn't, so bad idea and we live and learn. "Needing more time" is a bit of a red flag - it took him 7 years last time to propose. Grieve, look after yourself and hopefully one day find someone who loves you fully in return.

It's interesting to see the comments suggesting you should split up "so that you can marry someone else". It seems to me you probably need to ask yourself whether you love him (and I mean really love him) or whether you love the idea of marriage. If the answer is the former, then surely you should stay together and I'm sure marriage will follow in due course. If the answer is the latter, then you should probably split so that you can find someone who wants to get married (regardless?)

From previous threads... OP appears to be 31 (not sure of her partners age). They both have kids from previous relationships and do not live together. They live quite a distance from eachother due to their respective kids schools & other families etc.

Accept his refusal, stay in the relationship but get busy with your own life. Focus on friends & family more, do nice things for yourself & focus on your own self care. Get dressed up & go out more & be unavailable & vague when he asks where you’re going or where you’ve been. Find hobbies or anything that lights you up, increases your confidence & makes you seem more radiant. I was in the same position once, quite neglected, & I used to get all dressed up at wknds just to go to friends houses & built a life that excluded him. My partner started to get jealous & it didn’t take long before he proposed.

I would move on, effective immediately. You are wasting your time and energy on someone who will never feel about you the way you feel about him. You deserve much better, so start looking.

Thanks.

READ THE BOOK - He's Just Not That Into You or watch the film
If a man wants to marry you there never any thinking to do. Ever. They will ask you to marry them after the second date in many circumstances

Under no circumstances and at no point should a woman ask a man to marry her. Its degrading, embarrassing, emanculating, and desperate. Dont let anyone tell you different.

Leave him. Hes not into you. Start to love yourself, work on yourself and one day the right person will ask you. He doesnt love you. Please do not spend time on trying to make excuses.

Let me say again, if a man wants to marry you, he will ask you without hesitation

If he does not marry u after approx 2 years from meeting you, he won’t. He will leave you for someone else and marry her… sorry to be so blunt. Marriage proposals come in the honeymoon period of new relationships, not when they become like a comfortable pair of slippers.

Even worse. Imagine bringing kids into this absolute Sh&tshow!

2 years isn’t that long. If he doesn’t want to get engaged you either wait until he does or you move on. Maybe his bad experience before put him off. Maybe it isn’t as important to him as it is to you. You can’t demand that he does because you feel it’s the right time for you. Most people know as a couple when it is right for both of them. Perhaps try talking to him about it see what happens.

This message is insane.
If he doesn't propose to you within days of meeting you, he never will?
And never ask him? (Better advice)
A vast majority of couples don't get engaged within 2 years, especially if they don't live together.

Wrong.

As always.....The best advice is to talk.

From a guy's point of view, this is needy to the point of giving an irrepairable 'ick'.

A major turn off for any self-respecting guy. You might not like to hear that and I appreciate it's blunt but Jesus wept, read the room.

If he is undecided after two years but you stay together how could you ever know he is being honest if in the future he said he was ready for marriage! I know a lot depends on how strong your relationship is but be wary.

Never ask a man to get married.
That's his job.

Bear in mind that they do not even live together.