Proposed to him and he said no

[Sophie198643]

Hi I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. From very early in the relationship I just knew that he was the one and I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before and my partner says he feels the same way about me. Last August at a family gathering his parents said to me that they hoped he would propose to me and that led me to chat to my partner about it. He is very awkward and reserved when it comes to feelings and gets very nervous so for example I said I love you first and he is quite reserved about expressing his feelings as he said he’s been hurt in relationships before and so always has his guard up. Anyways about 4 months ago I spoke to him again about marriage and told him how important it was to me and how I felt now was the right time for us. He said he needed more time and needed to be fully sure about it. So last night I proposed properly to him and he said no. I said to him that marriage is very important to me and what would he do if I said I couldn’t stay in the relationship if we didn’t get engaged and said that we’d need to split up. Now I feel so empty and mortified. I don’t think he actually loves me the way he claims he does. He also isn’t against marriage as he proposed (they spilt before they got married) to his ex but he claims to me that’s different as it took him 7 years to propose. I just feel like time means nothing though, if you know you know. Am I being unreasonable here? I feel like I don’t know what to do now as he clearly has no interest in marrying me.

Not anyone, but quite clearly the vast majority of men and women on dating apps are likeable and/or dateable.

The issue is that too many women approach dating with a "checklist" in mind as if they are putting the men through a job interview. And then they find that only a very small percentage of men satisfy that checklist. That's absolutely the wrong way to look for a partner.

Try looking at someone's character instead- are they compassionate? Are they caring? Do they have a strong sense of right and wrong? Those are the most important qualities for any man or woman to have.

Do you think it’s more important to be a caring person than for them to have a job or more for you to find them physically attractive?
I have enough friends and enough people who are caring in my life.

@Mosman2020 Do you think it’s more important to be a caring person than for them to have a job or more for you to find them physically attractive?

Having a job is very important. But the majority of people between 30 and 60 have jobs, so this shouldn't be much of an issue. There are also people who can't work because of illness, and that is not something that should be counted against them.

I would certainly think it is far more important for someone to be caring than to be physically attractive. What does it matter what a woman looks like if she's an unlikeable bully, uncaring, or an asshole? Why should I dislike a woman who is kind and caring just because of appearance?

Two years is far too soon to get engaged we're not in America

M

Someone has slagged off America, so that's the bingo card full for this thread folks, move along.

Tell that to my parents who were married (for 64 years) after 18 months.

Of course it's not. It's not even too soon to get married. Why on earth do you need to be dating someone longer than 2 years before you even get engaged? It does not take that long to know if you want to spend the rest of your life together.

Me and DH have been married 46 years and we got married 5 months after meeting. We did see each other every day after we met (did not live together) not like some couples today we only see each other once a week or less.

My ex wife proposed to me and I said no because it was too early in the relationship and I didn't think she was mature enough to make a commitment at the time. Two years later I proposed to her and she said yes. Our marriage lasted around 14 years and we're now divorced but still friends. I would call it quits if he said no rather than force the hand of chance.

You’ve just save yourself time, so no time waster. You should do the right thing for yourself. Listen to your instincts. Well done for taking the courage to propose. Who says is only the men can propose?

OP has vanished. Just the original post and then gone. Why does that happen. Any thoughts?

Why on earth did you propose after he told you he wasn’t ready ? Surely you should have waited until he confirmed he was ready?

this is ultimately your fault. You’re probably not right for each other (sorry) but this is largely because you’ve crossed the line.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. you can talk yourself into staying with him and face possible further disappointment and wasted time. Or you could take him at face value and just cut your losses and move on. Either way I’m sorry, this must be very painful for you.

You asked the question.
He gave an answer.
So now it's up to you.
You stay together.
Or you split.

Can you have conversation about what marriage really means to each of you? You might have different ideas about it.
Does he seem committed to want to stay with you long term? Can you see yourself being with him and not married long term?
You both need to understand better where each other is coming from and take it from there.

.....or call it a day on the relationship.

Did he explain why he wanted more time or what he means by "more time?" What exactly is he waiting for? Depending on the answers I wouldn't stick around. You deserve better and you'll regret it in the long run. Follow your instincts. I would suggest you probably know he's not ready and probably never will be otherwise you wouldn't be asking advice on this forum xx

always a good idea to talk

Or maybe in a year he will propose.

Why on earth would you think this wet blanket is 'the one'?

'Because I love him more than I've loved anyone else' doesnt make him the one. I love chocolate. If I ate chocolate forever I'd get fat and sick.

Two years is long enough to know. Even if it wasn't he could say 'give me 6 months' or you could give a long engagement. He doesn't like you enough. Sorry. Dump him.

Leave him.. he's wasting your time..2 yrs is enough time..you should move on ...leave the door open and tell him you love him but will consider dating others..be kind but move on .when someone you love tells you he doesn't want to marry you..believe him..good luck

You made you feelings and needs more important than his. And backed him into a corner to to it.
Then you hit him with blackmail 'what if I say we should break up?'

If your relationship has survived and he hasn't run for the hills, you need to let him get there on his own.

Like others I'd like to know why you feel so desperate to get married?

'I'm not ready' and 'I need more time' all mean no. I'm sorry, it sucks and it'll hurt like hell. But don't hang around on a half promise. Make yourself single, grieve, and move on and find someone who is sure.

LOL
Talking about yourself, no doubt.
Bitter.

Please move on..date others..you will be so surprised that there are others who you will fall in love with that will treasure you ..it shouldn't be this hard ... you're wasting the most precious time of your life with someone who is putting you in hold..don't do it.