Fed up already maternity leave

[SpookyTeacup]

I'm miserable. I've waited so long for my miracle baby and I absolutely love her to death. Her dad, however, is showing me what a complete waste of a human he is. I'm 1 week PP, trying to exclusively breastfeed and he gets angry with us both because she's always feeding and it's not 'normal' (she's cluster feeding). He's laughed at how little milk I'm able to pump, called my nipples weird because theyre flat. All he's done for the whole paternity leave is game despite me asking for attention - he laughs at me. He's physically supportive by doing the bare minimum of changing a dirty nappy, cleaning, or having me take her to him - only if she's sleeping - to have in a cot next to him whilst he games so I can have a short nap. There's zero emotional support for me and he laughs if I suggest it. I let him sleep through the night and I deal with all the feeding, crying, nappies. I'm so tired and running on zero. He's gotten angry with us both again cause of her cluster feeding and now I can't settle her. I'm so upset

Sounds horrendous. So sorry you're going through this. It's very normal for a newborn to feed all the time. Have you got family support nearby you can access? It honestly sounds like you need to leave him when that's realistic for you. He sounds horrible.

I’m so sorry you deserve to be treated like a princess this week. Who loves you? If you have a nice mum or sister or best friend please tell her everything and ask if you can come and stay or if she’ll stay with you.

Mum doesn't live nearby but would come stay if I asked. Gonna feel like a twat asking whilst husband is home on paternity given that's his job... looking after his family.

Doesn't help that baby won't settle and is screaming at the boob. Trying to not let my hormones take over and cry cause that's just gonna stress baby out even more.

She's my IVF miracle. Don't.

Posts like this are really horrible. You should be bloody ashamed of yourself.

@SpookyTeacup I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. Do you have family or a friend you could go and stay with? Your partner is being awful to you, you need to get away from him. This is abusive behaviour. 💐

I'm so sorry OP. Cluster feeding and struggling with feeding generally are very normal, and this manchild has clearly done no research or learning whatsoever about babies and child rearing.

This was me, minus the putting me down and laughing at me but plus going out drinking into the small hours. I left him when DD was 10 weeks old and it was horrendous but the best thing I ever did. He is a much better co-parent than husband and full-time parent. BUT - I had family nearby who were able to take DD while I struggled in the trenches of suicidal PPD.

It doesn't sound like you are there but please, please keep an eye on your mental health. Your hormones are all over the place and if you have an unsupportive partner in a bad relationship then that coupled with the hormone crash can mean bad things.

Can you talk to your HV? And maybe do consider leaving and moving in with your mum. You need support full stop. I get feeling like a twat and the shame of asking family for help and telling family and friends your husband isn't doing his job and is, in fact, a crap husband (from the sounds of it he absolutely is). But that shame is not yours to bear, it is his. You do the best you can for yourself and for you baby and don't mind his reputation or ego one bit.

Why is it horrible? No I’m not ashamed it’s a fair comment after OP’s description of her DH

Go visit your mum. Before he gives you pnd.

He has one job- support you - and he's failing miserably.
Do you think his mum would have a word in his ear?

Instead of assuming it was obvious he’d be crap and criticising someone one week post partum who is struggling folks could maybe remember that it’s a common thing for abusive men to show their true colours during pregnancy or right after the birth when their partner is at their kids vulnerable

So sorry to hear the situation. Must be so difficult for you and absolutely a partner’s job is to support you at whatever capacity you can.

I am not on your partners side nor agree with what he does but was wondering if you called him out of his behaviour and tell him how that makes you feel? If you did, he continues to do that then shame on him and you might want to think long term plan but if not, might worth a try, sometimes men are insensitive and don’t even know what’s is the right thing to do. Really depends on the upbringing.

on another note. Maybe unpopular opinion here, have you thought about combi feeding, supplement with formula. It’s certainly jot a failure or less optimal for baby. I’ve watched one of my nct mum whose milk is low and the baby was feeding all day long and on low percentile. They had argument when the partner secretly fed baby formula but the partner at the time complained the baby was hungry but she wanted exclusively feed on breast milk. Anyone once the baby is solid food, she was no longer on low percentile and from a bystander, I think her baby was hungry and she really wanted to do the best by her by giving only breast milk but looking back, probably combi would make all of them a bit happier.

And some men are great until it's too late and the baby arrives.

She's coming to stay overnight the first week he's back at work so we'll be alone together during the day. I'll try have a heart to heart with her

I've started supplementing with formula for the bedtime feed and pump a little during the day so there's backup breast milk too - also heard this can help increase supply? I just want to do what's best for her, its heartbreaking thinking I can't provide for her so at least formula is taking that burden off me.

I have ptsd from the infertility & cause of, so trying my hardest to keep myself afloat and not get down or stressed about it all.

He wasn't one before & during, but thanks

What do you mean by getting angry? What difference does it make to his gaming if you’re cluster feeding?

Everything is a bit overwhelming 1 week pp and it sounds like your DP doesn’t really understand much about babies and breastfeeding in general if he has no understanding about cluster feeding or how difficult it can be to pump milk. Hopefully he’s acting the way he is because he’s feeling useless and out of his depth. Do you have any books he could read about what to expect and how best to support a new mother?

He was at the 5 day midwife appointment with me where she said it's completely normal and I'm doing a good job. Baby had lost 7% birth weight but it's in normal range so to carry on. He was fine after that but now today has started about how cluster feeding isnt a real thing and the midwives dont know anything because he's never heard of it (?!!??) Refuses to so much as Google anything because apparently all baby should do is eat and sleep and be really easy.

Does he have friends with small children. Maybe he’d believe it when they tell him babies aren’t really easy and rarely just sleep and eat when you want them to! Or perhaps his mum could set him straight? Was he expecting a bit of a holiday in paternity leave?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.
My ex changed once we got pregnant with our very much planned baby.
He practically regressed to being a baby himself, and I spent 3 years taking care of a man child and a baby/toddler.
Didn't do anything for his child during his paternity leave, just gamed. He then continued to ignore us for the next 3 years, I did all bath times/bedtimes whilst he gamed from the time he finished work until 3am.
I think he fed her 5 bottles max when she was a baby, probably changed 20-30 nappies. No dinners cooked, no washing done. We split last year and the only regret I carry is having not split up before I had even had my baby, as it would have been easier raising a newborn alone than living the way we did for so long.

You're doing amazing, I wish you all the best on your breast feeding journey.
I tried but 3 weeks in my mental health took a turn from the cluster feeding and I felt she wasn't getting enough (she probably was) so I switched to formula which made a huge difference and I was able to enjoy being a mum rather than constantly worrying.
I really hope it works for you, but personally I think having a supportive partner makes all the difference.

Be kind to yourself.
Know your worth (I wish I found mine sooner).
X x x

We have one close friend with young children but he refuses to listen to her as she's not the sharpest tool. Yeah, I think he was expecting two weeks off to game and occasionally 'help' me. I'd rather he used it to bond with his daughter we fought so hard for and emotionally support his wife.

His mum would rip him a new one if she knew