Sons Sporting Ambition Thwarted?

[GatheringAllTheMoss]

My son has dreamt of becoming an England player in his team sport (not football) for many years. He's reached county level which is fantastic but he's unlikely to go further. Not through lack of talent but more through the lack of opportunities and the advantages that others have. Out of 40 children at county level the overwhelming majority are at private schools. 10 from one school. You can count the number of state school boys on one hand and one is my son.

Private schools start this sport in year 3, state pupils are lucky to get the chance to play, those that do start in year 7. Private schools play at a higher level e.g. private school will field their B team against sons state school A team. The coaches and facilities are at a higher level too.

At club level my son plays with the men's team not with his age group and there is no development route. I can move him to another club but the chances are high that it will be dominated by the private school boys so my son won't be chosen for the team.

I always appreciated that talent would only take him so far and I was willing to do whatever was needed to get him to that point. Just devastated by the reality of what he faces to succeed and that I never really appreciated this.

Why won’t your son be chosen for the team on ability?

Because all the other boys have the advantage of training at a higher level, better coaches and facilities at their schools. Had he been at any of these schools from ywar 3 then he would be a much better player. The difference is clear when you see them all play together.

So the other boys have spent more years, longer hours, and practiced against higher caliber opponents.

They’ve likely worked longer and have more hours in than your son.

What am I missing?

Could he get a scholarship to one of the schools?

County is the development route.

Is it polo? It's the age old privilege that wealth brings, sadly. But other people can make it! It just needs more investment.

Life is unfair. People have different levels of natural talent and opportunity. Some kids have parents like you who encourage their talents. Many more kids don’t. They might be naturally gifted and not even know it.

Don't be obtuse. They've been able to do this because they have the privilege of attending expensive schools and sadly this, in the end, matters more than talent and hard work.

It's the same in all walks of life though op. It's just more starkly visible in sport.

But in this case it’s not just having the opportunity…it is that they’ve taken advantage of it and put in the hours. By the OP’s own admission more than her son.

You think they would have gotten as far with the higher competition if they hadn’t?

Hard work and luck doesn’t make the luck disappear. OP’s son doesn’t have the luck (really privilege). Is she not allowed to be angry about that?

We should be too if only posh kids get to represent our country. And it does seem to be an oddly British issue. What sports do we excel in? Rowing, sailing, equestrian, even fencing and similar. Posh sports.

What age? Kids mature at different rates, and sport seems to amplify it. Obviously early puberty and genetics can impact most sports, but the skills and techniques usually grow until 16s. Some kids swap sports and shoot through the rankings. A combinations of talent, drive, genetics and luck (in addition to access and money) is needed.

Do move to the other club with the private school kids. Having a higher level within the club will develop him further when they do internal competition. Also being amongst people into the same sport and at the same age is a positive thing for most kids.

If the sport is very school based, rather than club-based then it's harder. But I can't think of any sports in the UK where the school competition is above the club one. If your son is already at county level then a school might consider a scholarship.

Get over yourself it happens everywhere… pick a sport any sport.

The one I’m most familiar with… ice hockey. You know which kids are the cream of the crop?

The ones that are on skates at 3 years old, in an organized league by 5 yo, (do you know what time the 5 yos get rink time? How about 5 am sound fun?), these kids spend hours in homemade backyard rinks practicing while growing up, then the competition starts with travel leagues, every weekend is spent driving 6-12 hours away for tournaments, (for years!), and that’s before high school (secondary) , where parents will literally move to a new location to buy a house in a district with a good hockey program. That is if Jr. didn’t get picked up by a national elite team that they send him away to live so that he can participate.

All of that before turning 18…

So by the time most kids have ever heard of the sport some kids have put in hundreds if not thousands of hours practicing already.

Now choose any other sport and I guarantee it’s a similar story…. So has the OP’s kid done the same?

Have you looked at all the scholarship options? Is it worth talking to some of the coaches to ask how he can improve without the benefit of the coaching at school?

If you posted the actual sport I imagine you'd get more targeted responses. I don't imagine it can be that outing.

No the other boys haven't been more privileged. They have earned their place by practicing that sport in good faith just like all the others who did or didn't get in.

Focus upon the massive achievement that your son has enjoyed so far in a sport that he plays presumably because he loves it. You don't know what would have happened if he'd started earlier or trained harder. He might have burnt out.

He will also have the 'privilege' of doing other things. Too many young people have to give up so much of their youth to just focus upon one talent. They won't get the opportunity to experiment with other sports/pastimes/subjects because they have to go to training for the same thing over and over.

I speak from a bit of experience here as I was in a similar position to your son as a teenager only I was a swimmer in a rural area. Even belonging to 3 swimming clubs, I couldn't get even 2/3rds of the pool time the city kids got. Despite that, I briefly managed to top the national rankings at the age of 14 but It was unsustainable. It was a good life lesson and now I'm a swimming coach and couldn't be happier. Let him love playing his sport as, with luck, it will always be there for him as he tackles all the rest of the brilliant and challenging things he will do throughout his life.

And someone has also put in 10s of 1000s of pounds. Ice hockey is one of the most expensive sports. Both are required.

It's a combination of parent engagement and support, money and actual ability on behalf of the child

This is a well-balanced answer. It would be helpful to know what age your DC is.

I understand your frustration but honestly, if your son is good enough to play at national level and has the ability, commitment and drive to keep improving (as well as the required physicality and skills), he has an opportunity to make it. I’m guessing the sport is something like hockey where actually a lot of players start later but there are also lots of opportunities to be selected for talent centres and pathways as he gets older.

But in any sport it’s worth remembering that the numbers that actually make it into national teams are low. I’d always advise enjoying sport and playing a variety of sports rather than pinning everything on playing for your country.

And a good amount of the talent comes from shit small towns with no wealth. One of the best programs historically from my area is a town with ~4k people and no money.

But yes money is required <insert shocked face!>

Please let me know what sport doesn’t require money? In fairness, I guess traditional communist sports programs offer a low cost option… but then it’s the state deciding that Jr is good enough for the national program and it’s free. I’m also going to guess there is a fair amount of cronyism going on too which excludes a fair amount of talent.

What about a sports scholarship? I know lots of youngsters at private school / colleges on free or very reduced fees for rugby etc.

I agree.

I know many kids who excel at their particular sport because they started young, very young and more often than not, had a parent who also played and coached them. If they didn't have a coach, their parents had them enrolled into every sort of development camp available. From the first match or competition, these kids stood out and quickly went from playing for a club to playing for county.

This happens in all manner of sports - from cricket, running, hockey and tennis to name but a few. Certainly not 'posh sports'.

But these kids put in the hours consistently.

They stand out because their parents put the time in at a very early age and very often because they play one sport, stick at it and aim at excelling at it instead of trying out numerous sports and never getting far in any of them.

The cost of DC being able to excel in sport is another debate.

It’s easy to say that DC ‘only’ needs a pair of boots / swimming costume / stick /bat / racket to get started but very quickly the kit becomes expensive and the demands on a parent to take them to training, matches and camps soon ramps up. And then it becomes far more likely that those DC with supportive parents, own transport and some disposable income are able to participate at higher levels.

Thats the same for every aspect of parenting even sending them to school in the first place.

Perhaps the OP's son has friends whose parents have never been bothered enough to take them to training.

Its all relative.

Exactly, I lost track of every time I heard “and here’s X son/daughter of Y who won the Olympic Games in Z year” during this past winter games. 2 of the players from the US men’s hockey team are brothers… what are the odds?

Oh wait a quick google tells me that both parents were elites in the sport and both kids started playing under 5 yo

I agree op, is it rugby by any chance? If so have been through similar frustrations as well. When the scout for the premier league club academy is the specific teacher of that sport at a private school, no surprise that many many from that school will be selected and keep being selected every year, as they've had the exposure to the kids a lot more, whereas the other kids really have to shine at the selection trial. And then not to mention that the state school child gets to play it once a weeks for a half term a year at most, whereas the private school kids play almost year round and with a high level coach from that sport. Is so so annoying.

Would it be better for him to play with his age group as coaches looking for new talent in his age group likely won’t spot him playing in a men’s team?

Why is there no development route for him?

Is there no one at the current club or another local club that your son could talk to about developing his skills. Maybe there’s an opportunity for him to join in some training sessions even if he’s not part of a particular team? I know sometimes we have kids who train with the school sports team who don’t attend the school because they are talented and their school doesn’t have the coaching/resources/team for them. Have you also tried contacting the governing body of the sport to ask what opportunities they provide for developing talent from less affluent backgrounds?

Also, if it’s a sport that requires say speed or strength, could he improve in those areas by going to the gym or through another sporting code?

Yes, the boys from private schools might be playing at a higher level for now because they have more and better, but if your son is talented and driven he shouldn’t give up. His pathway to success will just be different.

My DS competes in a sport dominated by private schools, although he doesn’t attend one. Mostly the parents just do more where they can to help level out the playing field. Life is not fair and equal.