Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

Way more context needed as generally these things don’t happen in a vacuum. So can you be so kind to drip all the feeds out upfront?

Sorry, OP. That is rough. What’s your family situation? Are you the difficult one?

That sounds really hurtful. I'm so sorry that's happened, but sounds like you've handled it well so far.

I'm glad that your mum is behind you and empathetic.
I think you're right to stand back and let it blow over, but you're not at all unreasonable to be upset.

I wouldn’t make any plans with any of them again.

Concentrate on your own little family and friends and don’t let the arseholes make you feel bad.

Do you live near them?

I couldn't rest until I knew why that sibling didn't want me there, especially if we were close!

if your own mother has literally put she would be devastated if her family didn’t want her there then you are clearly not being unreasonable.

We got tired of being the only family left out of all the family events, it sucks. We stopped trying to be included, stopped inviting and making contact that was never reciprocated and no one has spoken to us since.
It’s sad but we feel far more peaceful knowing we’re no longer chasing something that no one else wanted.

I have two kids who are now adults.

politely, one of them is lovely to be around and the other is extremely difficult. I don’t leave her out but her brother does like to have some time with me without her as frankly she makes everything about her.

That does sound very pointed. I’m sorry OP, that’s dreadful. Have there been any arguments or distancing in the past that would explain it? Do you have a partner they don’t like or kids who don’t behave well?

What else has happened? I’m NC with all of my siblings, they have pushed me out of the family completely. I’ve not seen anyone apart from one parent for over three years now.

I’ve tried to rebuild myself and my life but it’s still hard and I have really low days. This week has been bad due to upcoming Mother’s Day.

That's very hurtful. Maybe with some introspection you'll work out why. If they won't communicate and tell you though, that's a bit unfair. They're avoiding a situation rather than addressing it so it can be sorted.

I don't think you feel that every time two out of three siblings meet the third should always be invited.

I'm one of three and one of my siblings, for reasons of their own choosing, will put stipulations. Has to be here, can't be before this time, actually can't we take a rug and meet in the park instead of going to that nice cafe because then I can bring the dogs...
Not that I like them less, but it goes from being a quick decision, this looks nice into something complicated, totally different and not what we were thinking of at all.
I wouldn't mind if they initiated them; they always seem to want to change what's already arranged.

Dh's family has one sibling that dominates everything. If he's not dominating, then he starts putting others down. If we only ever met up as all the siblings, then we would have no relationship with the other one as we'd never get to talk.

If it's every time, then ask why, but I don't think as a one off it's fair to object.
Why not suggest you meet up with one another week, and a few weeks down the line meet up with the other. By meeting separately you'll be able to concentrate on the relationships separately.

What is the context? Are these siblings sisters or brothers? Older or younger? Any big age gap? All have the same parents? Are you married? Do you have kids? Any huge disparities in education, career, income between the three of you?

Did I miss anything? Usually one of or more of these are factors in threads like this.

I think that this event involving both siblings and the mother, is harder to explain away, especially as the mother asked if OP was being invited and was told no.

I have two daughters. Sometimes the three of us meet, and sometimes I'm just met with one of them or the other (or one and their partner/one and the grandkids). That seems fairly natural in that it's a response to one of them being around when I mention that I'm going into town/for a walk/for a coffee, or having a shared interest. But the situation in the OP sounds quite different.

I had a very similar scenario a few years back OP, in fact I had a thread about it.

In my case it was my sister who didn't want me there, because she liked holding court with our nephews/nieces, exaggerating her qualifications and lying about her experiences. I only found out because my brother messaged to asked if we could give him a lift to the family do. What do? I asked, and it all came out. I called my mother and she just tried to minimise and deflect.

My sister is a sad character and, up until then, I had planned to give her my share of any inheritance from our mother. I'm comfortable - mortgage free, earn a decent wage, whereas she isn't/doesn't. Well, that episode put paid to that. Our mother died last year and I will have every penny of my inheritance and give it to the local dog rescue. Actions have consequences. I'm still in touch with my sister keep her at arm's length. She needs me now, and I'll help if I can - like a friendly neighbour would, but emotionally I'm totally detached.

I have a neighbour who is loud & says really inappropriate things. Her family are close & leave her out of events a lot of the time. Tbh I don’t blame them. She is annoying & embarrassing.

I agree it’s exactly how my siblings treat me.started small many years ago and has escalated.

i am no longer allowed to see my parents without ‘permission’. There’s a big family get together happening later in the year for my parent. It’s being held on dates I was due to go on holiday to see that parent, instead some siblings are taking parent elsewhere in the country. I’ve had to cancel my holiday, I checked the dates with all siblings a year ago to avoid it all so I got their ‘permission’ and then they retracted it.

Your mum will know why the ‘family’ didn’t want you there. Put the pressure on her to tell you.

Have you got a few children or something and they haven’t got any. ?

Have you got children who are terrors and they couldn’t be arsed with them ruining breakfast?

I think you’re being a massive drama queen. As you admit yourself, the entire family doesn’t need to socialise in lockstep. If this is your response to not being invited to a single social occasion, what are you like when something serious happens? I’m astonished you think your family owe you an apology, and that your immediate response was to demand to know why weren’t invited.

Has anything else happened whereby you have been left out? If this is the only event then you’ve voiced your upset as has your Mum so hopefully things can move on. I’m assuming no one else was left out?
if this is part of a bigger picture then it’s really mean.

In my family I don't invite one DSis if it involves food. She is permanently attached to her DH. He has the awful habit of 'testing' meals of anyone within reach of his dirty paws. It's a disgusting habit. He's been told many times, but it makes no difference.

Unless you have always been the scapegoat, can you really not think why they would act this way? I close friend's DSis would say similar to you. She is loud, attention seeking and her DC are very badly behaved. She changes the dynamic completely and everything is always about her. She has a startling lack of self-awareness.