Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

Was your Dad there? What does he say?

I think, in your situation, perhaps the best thing is to go to your mother for a talk. Not to say "I've been left out" so that she feels torn, or to try to lay down rules that you all have to meet up together, but rather to say that obviously your relationships with your siblings aren't as good as you thought they were, and what does she think you can you do to improve things.

That must have been very hurtful to find out that your siblings don’t want you there.

as they don’t want to tell you why, the only route left to you is some self introspection.

in all your posts trying to fathom why, you have allocated positive words to your personality, and negative to theirs.

what would their side be?

@AIBUfamilydrama
I think it is this.
Sometimes there are reasons why you don’t want to include someone. People are left in a situation where explicitly communicating the reason will not eliminate the reason, but just make the situation worse, so they keep quiet.
There are so many examples, but things like an obnoxious spouse is one. What good would ever come of saying this out loud?

I thought the same. This happened to my sister - she was excluded from a shopping trip with Mum and 2 sisters (I was in another country) it was all very mean and Mum didn’t want to get in the middle - but she was in the middle - she agreed to go. I’d stop making an effort and get some boundaries in place. These are two siblings who do not have any regard for your feelings - they are jot to be trusted.

That's upsetting OP, and hurtful but there isn't much you can do about it. We're similar in that DH's sister is best friends with his X and they include her in all sorts of invites we aren't part of. Very difficult on our kids, as DH's older ones are included. We've just learned to distance ourselves from the hurt and recognise that this is the way it is. I suspect that when DH's mum dies virtually all contact with his sister will end. Don't waste too much energy trying to figure it out as you'll never get an answer that makes you feel better.

it was all very mean and Mum didn’t want to get in the middle - but she was in the middle - she agreed to go.

But if she said no that wasn't going to get the other sister invited.

Perhaps the only thing to do is have separate relationships?

It's crap OP.

We have a family dynamic that involves complicated step sibling dynamics.

We sometimes meet up with mom with just her biological children (dad is no longer with us), but if one step-sibling is invited then both are - even though one of them isn't especially popular and for various reasons is hard work.

No-one would ever be left out deliberately, and if, for whatever reason they were, they would be told why.

Anything else is just cruel!

You and me both @Beachtastic “But they are your Faaaaamily..!” 🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣

Initially this idea did occur to me too, but the DM didn’t think the answer would be visible to @AIBUfamilydrama so nothing to gain from any kind of exasperation… AND she went along with it.

We spend so much time and energy trying to explain away things that jar with us, until something happens that’s as clear as the nose on your face.

like the time I was told (by DM) that she and I “were never that close”

it was (truly excruciatingly hurtful) news to me. But I’ve taken it on board, and am NC.

if the subject of aged care comes up in the future, I’ll show just how good my memory is 🤣

@AIBUfamilydrama Im so sorry you’re going through this, do you have a partner to support you? Would you be able to access therapy? I was coincidentally in therapy at the time I had my realisation of where I figured in the family and it was a lifesaver

if therapy isn’t an option, you could perhaps also try ChatGPT/Copilot etc. friends of mine have found it helpful for advice and guidance on how to process things

I agree with above...

I think for your own sake you have to get this out in the open, I'd reply on the family thread. Vaguely Along the lines of...

• "You are correct DM, I was devastated.
• You all lied to me about it and when found out you/sis have refused to say why.
• If you want to exclude me from your joint events, that's up to you. I don't want to be where I am not wanted anyway, so you've got your wish.
• But have the grace to be adults and tell me WHY, I'm no longer welcome.
• Excluding me and leaving me to wonder why is just hurtful and cruel. I suspect it's because you don't want to give me the chance to fix whatever your "issues" are and you are content to continue the exclusion.
• Hopefully one of you will have the guts and the decency to be honest (brutal though that may be) and tell me truthfully why so that I can move on. I think you owe me that at least. "

then I think I'd take a step back and focus on my own life, making my own plans and let them get on with it.

Sometimes the other side is that they are thoroughly unpleasant people.

there isn’t always a reason the injured party has caused or contributed to why people are cruel to them.

Have you any idea why your sister/brother might be upset with you?

They are putting your mum is a very difficult position.

Talk to the sibling and ask them to tell you why they don't want to invite you.

First up, it sounds like the siblings put your mum in a really awkward situation.

Mainly though, it sounds like your siblings just didn't want you to be there. It's hurtful but it wouldn't make me want to be included in the future.

I'd make plans to meet your mum for a separate lovely breakfast or brunch or something.

Agree with some other posters that there's maybe some context missing. Not saying you're awful to be around, more that maybe the other siblings are very similar to each other e.g. they're really loud and boisterous and you're shy and reserved; or you have different values; or they've got no kids and you'd be taking along 4 under 10s to join them; or something completely different.

My sister and I (and our husbands & kids) do stuff without our brothers and their wives & kids with our parents all the time because the brothers live 3-5 hours away and we're super local.

While I like this, it gives far too much power to these frankly cruel people.

if @AIBUfamilydrama just simply replies, “Damned right M, I AM devastated to hear that I’m not wanted, but, good to know. Wishing you all the very best for the future”

and then leave it.

no birthdays for anyone in the family, no Mother’s Day/christmas, nothing. Go dark, total NC.

does it hurt to do this? Jesus Christ almighty yes it does, for ages, but eventually you feel better

then you realise just how toxic a situation it was and how much better you feel in yourself without them dragging you down.

I’ve done this, it hurt to begin with, but now if I see them at any significant family thing, I feel nothing. I’m able to talk to them exactly as I would any other person I’d just met, they’re like non-stranger strangers iykwim. I don’t care what they think of me, their judgment or whatever of me is totally irrelevant. I’m free.

@AIBUfamilydrama are you a needy person, for instance, would you need collecting or dropping back? Do they have to cover the cost of you and your child when out?

If you are, this can become a bit draining on others.

Or perhaps, they maybe they wanted to talk to your DM about a certain situation that they felt was not necessary to include you in, or didn't want you to know about. Could the discussion have been about you?

💯

Not enough information to decide who is the issue here.

We have a family member who demands changes to any meetings, only thinks of themselves, depresses everyone and quite frankly sucks the fun out of life. They would say there were kind and wonderful and have a great relationship with everyone. Would we invite them, no. Do they listen to feedback, no.

@AIBUfamilydrama - you are of course upset by this. Anyone likely would be and your mother acknowledges you would of course be upset if you knew. And you are right not to blow up and go no contact etc.

I suspect it may be something relatively trivial in the scheme of things and they're too embarrassed to mention it/blow it up further - eg you're vegan and they're not (and want to go full steakhouse); your daughter is at a disruptive stage and changes the dynamic; they drink, you don't (or vv). Don’t automatically assume it's because they can't stand you.

(And a face to face conversation may be more likely to elicit the reason rather than texts)

Why are people assuming that the op is left out all the time? Nowhere has she said that it's happened before.

Advising her to go nuclear and cut off her family is likely to do nothing except hurt herself.

Absolutely. Both options are entirely possible.

You’re a better person than me, I wouldn’t spit on my sister if she was on fire. I have good reasons.

It would be unfair to ditch the DM in this situation as she has stuck up for OP and told the siblings she thinks they are in the wrong.

Did she tho?

she allowed this to happen and stood by when it did.
she’s as complicit as the rest of them.

I agree, with @MyrtlethePurpleTurtle it could very well be something trivial.. something where @AIBUfamilydrama could find a solution, or maybe its something she does which is becoming annoying and it would be an easy fix to stop doing it and resume socialising.

And the Mum clearly thinks its hurtful. But seems to be going along with the siblings needs first. So she also needs to work out what the solution is. She's whining about not being in the middle, but that's just where she's put herself. She's a pretty poor referee.

I think that this means the OP needs the truth from Sis more than ever.
If its something trivial - it can be fixed and its not necessary to burn bridges.
In any case, trivial or not, the Sis needs to own it. Even if its just that she is simply being mean... say why and face up to how hurtful that is, then the OP can move on.
At the moment OP can't make a well informed decision about whether this is just a storm in a tea cup or something more serious and what to do about it.
The Sis shouldn't be let off the hook, she needs to own up and not do things behind people's backs. If it is because she doesn't like OP's behaviour for some reason, she needs to be an adult and say so, otherwise the OP can't correct her behaviour (if it even does need correcting - perhaps its the Sis's behaviour that needs to change - its not possible to tell) But it would allow OP to give Sis a wide berth, without falling out with her whole family.

I can see your point, the DM could have made more of a stand on this. I don’t think she is equally to blame though as she did tell the siblings they were in the wrong and she didn’t like the situation.