Left out of family get together

[AIBUfamilydrama]

Name changed for this as very outing but I need to know if I’m BU and over sensitive about this please.

I found out after the fact that my Mum and 2x siblings went out for breakfast together last weekend with partners and families. I asked why I hadn’t been invited and they said it was last minute, I did say to my Mum I found it a bit hurtful that I hadn’t been invited and she said it was because it was last minute, and that it wasn’t her fault because it was arranged between my siblings.

Then my Mum accidentally put on our family group chat some messages to my siblings saying she was annoyed that I was annoyed, my sibling must not have realised that it was the group chat either and replied saying “nothing to be annoyed about. It was last minute. End of.” My Mum replied and said “what am I supposed to say to her if I found out my family didn’t want me there I’d be devastated”.

I’m so upset about it. We ended up having a big argument/discussion and it turns out it just wasn’t a completely last minute plan (arranged the evening before, so plenty of time to let me know), that my Mum had asked my other sibling if they were going to invite me and they said no.

I asked why they didn’t want me to go but they wouldn’t say. They haven’t apologised, they just said that we are all adults and they are allowed to do things as a group but without me if they want, my Mum said that we should agree that in future not to leave just 1 sibling out, but they said no they wanted the option to be able to do that. I asked why they would want to be able to not invite me but they wouldn’t answer.

I can’t understand that mindset at all, to me I would never leave just one sibling out. It would always be the more the merrier. If it was just a one on one occasion, or if one of us couldn’t make it for whatever reason, then fine. But I feel like, even though yes we are adults, it’s still cruel to leave just one person out.

For context, we don’t see each other as a group loads, I think just once so far this year since Christmas, it can be hard with work hours and individual family commitments etc but we all talk every day and I thought we were close. I considered the sibling who said no to inviting me to be one of my best friends. I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

I’m trying to let it all just blow over and they’re acting like everything’s normal but AIBU to still be upset by this?

So, I’ve RTFT and I just don’t get this at all. It just seems so melodramatic.

I’m laying awake at night going over it all, what they’ve said and what I could have done

Really?! Are you like this about a lot of things?

You can also decide not to decide for a while. You can ignore them for a bit and give yourself some time to process your normal and understandable feelings and you can decide your next move when you feel ready.

Some of us are affected quite badly by these sort of things! It’s definitely not melodramatic. Some people are sensitive and some like you seem to have skin thicker than a rhino. Must be nice.

It’s extremely melodramatic. As is your comment.

‘Skin thicker than a rhino’ is not required for a sense of proportion and basic emotional regulation. And, yes, having those things is nice. I highly recommend them.

Not everyone is so lucky.

If only people had a choice! Ridiculous comment from someone who clearly has no idea. It really isn’t a choice. We are all different but there’s no need to call people out just because you are not as sensitive as them. I tend to find people like that quite arrogant, rude and offhand. But it won’t bother you me saying that cos your not sensitive so that’s fine 🤣

It’s AIBU. I think she’s being unreasonable, for the reasons stated. I also think it’s incumbent on every adult to develop emotional regulation if it doesn’t come to them naturally.

And, no. You saying that doesn’t particularly bother me.

What an asinine comment. It’s not that easy.

Developing emotional regulation is
not easy; it is a complex skill that requires significant time, intentional effort, and consistent practice to become "second nature". While the basic techniques can be simple to understand, applying them in the heat of the moment is challenging because you are often fighting against primitive, instinctive

• Rewiring Habits: You are essentially attempting to "rewire" your brain's established neural pathways. This process is harder as an adult than as a child, similar to learning a new language.
• Neurological Barrier: When you are highly stressed, the "thinking brain" (prefrontal cortex) can lose its connection with the "emotional brain" (amygdala), making it difficult to access the very tools you need to calm down.
• Underlying Factors: Success can be influenced by factors outside your immediate control, such as genetics, past trauma, chronic stress, or neurodivergence like ADHD, which can make emotions feel more intense and harder to manage.
• Physical State: Basic needs like being tired, hungry, or unwell can significantly lower your "bandwidth" for regulation, making even small stressors feel overwhelming.

It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s easy. Zero relevance to what I’ve said. It’s what an adult needs to do. The list you’ve rather bizarrely copy/pasted doesn’t change that.

This entire interaction rather illustrates my point, tbh. I will leave you and your sensitivity to it.

Well, asking ChatGpt to explain emotional regulation is always a smart move.

It’s only your in opinion that it doesn’t matter. Therefore your opinion doesn’t matter either. Just because people call you out on your unkindness and ignorance doesn’t mean your reply is the only acceptable answer. Are you the OPs sister?

Also 89% of people disagree with you so they obviously don’t think she’s being overly dramatic. 🤣🤣🤣 I shall leave you and your insensitivity to it.

Saves typing all that shit out myself for idiots

You can't just 'get over' what is essentially a kind of soft bullying. You're being ostracised by the people you trust most in the world to treat you decently and fairly. You rightly feel emotionally betrayed and deeply hurt.

Honestly if you sense they would happily abandon you if you don't make them feel you're absolutely okay with how they've treated you, then you need to really face what that means. And whether you're going to be happy with them as active participants in your life.

For those of you saying it's one breakfast just get over it, how does that account for the mother's response on the family chat? Clearly she recognized that leaving OP out was an issue and out of the normal course.

Her own mother said being left out would be devastating! (I don't remember if that was the exact word used but something to that effect.) Clearly this was more than just randomly not inviting OP.

There's an unspoken issue that OP isn't privy to but everyone else is. IMO hard not to wonder what you've done wrong in that situation. It sounds awful OP, hope you get it sorted one way or another. Do you have other friends you can turn to if you take a break from family?

WOW. Aren't you a piece?
Who are you? The sibling?

Isn't it just vile.

Agree. The mother should not have gone.

I think for me this is a breach of trust - I’d have to protect myself from hurt. My siblings have behaved much worse on the excluding thing - I can’t move on - I hope you can if that’s what you want but be careful they have told you who they are - this is likely to happen again.

That must have been incredibly hurtful. How awful and sad for you. You must have felt ever so much rejected. I'd keep talking to your family, one on one, and try hard to be gentle and not confrontational (yes, probably difficult) with the aim of finding out Why. Maybe just a one sentence awkward confession from just one person will explain it all.

I disagree, your mum has taken a side. In going out without you and not challenging your exclusion, she has shown she’s ok with this behaviour.

But what good would Op's mum not going do?

Unless she only wants a relationship with Op that revolves around her siblings also.

Sometimes siblings don't get on & parents have to accept & adjust accordingly.

It seems though that this may have been brewing for a while & Op is the only one who didn't realise.

Well, why not take an adult position and address whatever the issue is, rather than just avoiding, isolating someone without any discussion.
I have no idea how @AIBUfamilydrama may have behaved to precipitate the others behaviour, but we do know her family are behaving like children, avoiding the issue and making it worse.

Her mum might not know the reason & Op doesn't seem to have asked the sister who didn't want her there.

Unless I missed that.

OP you can't get over it because what they did was horrible. It wasn't actually a last minute oh let's go here together, a deliberate decision was made to exclude you, and they are annoyed you are annoyed about it. Your mum has said they didn't want you there. That is disgusting, without good reason. And if there is a reason they should share it with you so you can deal with it eg if you always go on about X or are rude or persistently late or whatever possible reason they could come up with. Until it is properly addressed I couldn't get over it either. TBH it would be enough that I would think about cutting them out of my life. If it were me I'd do one last message to them all and say - I need to know the truth of why you didn't want me there. I know you might find it awkward or worrying it is hurtful, but if I don't know I can't address it. And I can't just go back to normal and forget it when I now know you all deliberately chose to not invite me because you didn't want me there.

If they try to fob you off again, which TBH they probably will, for me the trust is gone and I could only ever have an arm's length relationship with them.